I committed what I could think of to prayer, but it was hard. I was feeling off today. I determined later in the day it was probably because I was getting sick. So that explains a lot.
Tonight was technically her evening with the kids, but because they are coming right back over in the morning because they don't have school I offered to let them stay at my place. She accepted but invited us over for dinner. We went over for dinner and had a pleasant meal. I brought dessert and cleaned up afterwards. She and I shared an ice cream cone for desert and watched a movie with the kids. While I was cleaning the dishes I looked up and she was watching me. She winked at me and I just smiled back. I didn't linger longer than was necessary. After the movie the kids and I collected their things and we left. I gave her a hug, kissed her on the neck and told her goodnight.
Later I text messaged her and told her thanks for dinner and to call if she needed anything. She called and asked if we were knocking on her door to which I said no, which was followed by a brief conversation and then goodnights again. She texted me back and thanked us for coming over and said it was nice to have the company. I told her no problem and to call if she needed to.
All of this should be encouraging. But I'm doing what I can not to hang my hat on anything. If anything this process has taught me many things. First off, she is slightly unpredictable so I'm leery of this new friendliness on the heels of Scott's visit. I suppose there could be a good meaning behind it, but I also expected it as we got closer because the only way things are going to go a certain way is if I agree to them. So I'm concerned she is being nice as a manipulation tool.
The other thing I have learned is that if I start doing things my way any progress which has been made will be lost. So I have committed to staying the course, leaving this in God's hands and doing only what I feel a strong leaning towards. The greatest leaning I have is to stay the course and have faith, even though I feel my anxiety and frustrations arise when I think that our final hearing is less than a week away. To date, she has not said anything about stopping or even extending the process. I have made my position clear and I have also made it clear that she is driving this train and where it goes is up to her. So I'm leaving it in God's hands and committing everything I can to prayer.
The other thing that is disconcerting is that that last couple nights when we have been over there, she has called Scott right after we left. This makes it hard for me to wonder if I could ever trust her again. I fear that paranoia which I feel inside of me, the anxiety of wondering what she is doing or who she is talking to. The insecurity which comes with having been cheated on. But again, there is no indication anything is going to change and therefore I have no alternative but to stay the course and continue to commit everything to prayer.
I'm not feeling well. I'm going to bed.
First, how do you know she calls him after you leave? If you are checking phone records that is not trusting Christ. That is trying to control and have a hand in some way on her situation. That has to stop. You must trust Christ.
On another note. If I recall, in the past she would have talked with him when you were around. But she has taken time to spend with you and the kids. The more you stay the course the more she will be convicted and confused. Keep it up.
I paid the bill. That was how I knew. I checked it as a matter of course, not with the intention to control of have a hand in her situation. I have been working on resolving the fact that her decisions are her's and I'm not standing here judging them or making decisions based on them.
I am working on staying the course and I feel convicted to do so. Far more than in the past. Sept 21 is still a huge block for me, but I'm working on two things right now. First is accepting that the game is not over then. Even a friend of mine said that its not unheard of to get remarried to your ex. But even more to the point, I'm working on staying with this present moment and listening to the leading of God instead of worrying about the future. While the 21st is close, its a lifetime away in a lot of ways.
He is never late. He is good and I can trust him.
Well when you trust Christ that much. Then worry about nothing. Because I can tell you from experience. He will take care of you no matter what. So worrying about it is just a complete waste of time and effort.