I decided to do this dare on my own for now.
The greatest parts of my life in need of counsel are how to live as a christian.
How to apply the word to every area of my life.
My temper and impatience are my weak areas. I am praying for patience, longsuffering, gentleness and kindness.
I just want the Lord to show me how to be happy. How to be satisfied. How to be loving and not have low self esteem.
I told my self along time ago that the only way to get things done in life is to do it alone. I did this because no one was ever there for me and i never really had a freind to talk to. The ones that I relied on hurt me at some point.
This thinking had transfered even to how I am with christ. I will go to Him for help but ultimately i will be the one to make the ends meet because that is how I hard wired my mind and heart.
This make me impatient with every one, God and spouse.
I asked the Lord to heal me from this corruptable and prideful thinking. It was a way for me to protect myself and ensure that no one was going to hurt me becuase alot of people did when I was younger and it really bothered me. I isolated myself alot and was my own best freind for a very long time. At the end of the day, what this tells me is that deep in my heart i do not trust any one and sadly, that includes the Lord too.
I told myself that when i grew up I would have this and that and no one would take advantage of me. When spouse does what he does, i feel he is taking advantage of me and it's like how it was when I was younger. No one stood up for me then and even now, no one stands for me and that is why I am so busy looking for that one person that will stand up for me.
I think God is saying that He is that One, but I wonder why when i was younger He was not there to stop the people from hurting me. He saw my heart and knew that i meant no one any harm and yet al of that abuse molded me into the person that I am today.
How do I go back to God with all this? Where was He when I was a little girl hurting, bullied, mistreated, lied on, etc.
I associate the Lord with pain because all that I have known in life includes pain, even in my marriage there is pain and i feel that my life and pain are tied together.
all my life I have loved the Lord and in that the pain has followed so I can not seperate my christian walk from pain and fear of disspointment that is why i am so controlling. that is why I am so hard. that is why I am so confused. that is why I fail.
I am in need of healing from the Lord because this is driving me into ruin.
We all have a story, we all have a purpose. If it was not for your childhood you would not be the willing one to seek Christ and if you were you would not have your story your testimony of what Christ has done in your life. It is now that you come to Him, submit to Him, then you did not.
This is all part of Chirsts salvation in your life. Now is the time to shine and be saved through Christ and be the testimony to all those you come across. It is anew
Seek joy and contentment. "Happy" is based on circumstance. Joy is based on faith in Him. Your entry is so honest. All of us can relate on some level. Many will benefit from your testimony.
I think I have had a break through in my walk with the Lord becuase i feel that I no longer have to pretend. I feel like I had been living a life of faith that was not real.
I do not know where this will lead me but I just know that there is no pretense in me when I talk to God now.
Joy and contentment are better and yes, this is part my salvation in the Lord.
I really feel that I have had a personal break through that i never knew needed to happen.
I put on such a front of strength and faith but deep inside, i am a wreck and build my hope on hope rather than on the Lord Him self through Christ.
I dont know what else to say.
Now grow that finding to what Christ Neva's in store!
By the way. I have no idea what that word is... Dang iPad auto spell check!,,