i have set out on a journey with the love dare to fix my marriage. along this journey, i realized that i am selfish, prideful, manipulative, mean and completely lacking god and the love of god in me. my marriage was doomed before i knew it. i have grown up in church, and i've always heard the phrase, "let go and let god". i can remember telling fellow christians this phrase many times, and in my head i didn't even know what it meant. i knew it sounded like the "christian" thing to say. i've never lived it until now, and now i'm being told this...and i'm finding myself struggling to do so because when i think i'm "letting go" i'm really giving it to god with one eye still on my issues. this is probably the toughest part of the dare for me; the act of "letting go".
my wife and kids are currently in michigan for the next week (at least). i have spoken to my wife a total of 2 times since she arrived. the first time was very brief and business oriented relating mainly to the kids. the second time was odd. i called to update her on a mutual friend of ours that is about to pass away from cancer. i felt she needed to know the latest. since i haven't spoke to her, i asked her what she was up to. she mentioned she was visiting an old figure skating partner. my wife used to be a professional figure skater by the way. the odd thing about this conversation was that she said my name 3 times during the entire conversation. this has never happened before, and to be honest...it caught me off gaurd. she sounded sad, and i don't think it's because of our friend because we've known that day was coming soon.
my parents are enjoying the much needed time spent with our kids. i am here in NC while my wife is leaving the kids with my parents 600 miles away in MI, left to do whatever she wants right now. last night, my kids slept at my parents house and the last thing i remember my wife telling me was that she was visiting mel (her old skating partner, who at one time was like her brother so to speak). here is the part of "letting go and letting god" that i am learning to do. just about every day this week, i have had nothing but thoughts plaguing my head regarding her whereabouts, what she's doing, who she's with and so on. it's driving me nuts, i won't lie. so yesterday, i started to pray every time these thoughts entered my mind begging god to take what i'm gladly leaving at his feet. every time the thoughts entered, i would combat it with prayer. as my day progressed, i found it somewhat easier to pray the moment the thoughts entered my head. and then i spoke to my wife and she told me what she was doing...this turned it up a notch. which made me pray harder. i had no idea what my wife did last night, where she slept or who she was with...and this morning, i prayed that god will take control of my day because i can no longer do it. typing it out, and talking about it to my prayer partners have helped. in fact, as i'm typing this out i received an email from a friend forwarding me today's devotional from dr. david jeremiah entitled, "if we really believe..." one of the scriptures mentioned is romans 8:28, "and we know that in all things, god works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose". my small group leader called me yesterday to remind me the story of joseph. his brothers beat him up, threw him in a pit, and lied to their father that he was mauled by a wild animal then later came back to sell him. it's amazing how god took what was bad in joseph's life at the time, and "worked the good for him that loved god".
i can say today that my love for god has grown in 36 days immensley. i can say that today, i lay my burdens at his feet. i can say today, that what ever happens in my life, that god is in complete control and that he will work for the good of me because i love him...and he loves me and i have been called for his purpose. and yes sean, when you're right...when you let go, your world will fall apart, but only to be built back up by the creator.
i hope that this writing / blog / whatever you want to call it ministers to someone today the way i have been ministered to through out all of this. it excites me to know that god is perfect, and his will is perfect and that i'm following and seeking his will in my life. so no matter what happens, god is perfect.
Maynard, those feeling are tough. But at the same time, a great opportunity for you to take things to the Lord, and trust him. This will no doubt help teach you to get over your desire to control and manipilate, and set your sites on Christ..... Do not look at it as a bad thing, it is one of those hidden blessings.