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Day 34 - On Godliness

Day 34 - On Godliness

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  • I haven't been posting but I have been progressing.  I will catch up with my posts as I am able, its been a journey. 

    She filed for divorce on Tuesday.  Today we went to the notary and she served me my copy of the papers.  She is angry because I would not go with her to the court after I said I would as a co-petitioner.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't, in good faith commit to fighting for my family and my marriage and then willingly enter into a process that was going to destroy my family.  I think she is mad because I put the decision to file solely on her shoulders.  She didn't want to be in that position.  She wanted to tell everyone it was a mutual decision.  That helps her save face.  I couldn't do that. 

    Today is not done but I managed to complete today's dare.  When I read it this morning, knowing we were going to sign the papers I was like, "what could I possibly come up with as something godly she is doing when all of her actions scream she is not talking to god."  It came to me as we were driving away.  Right after I found out her mother, a Christian, gave her the money to file for divorce. 

    That nearly knocked the wind out of me after her mother sent me emails telling me she was praying for us and after I have spent the last 12 years believing these people were text book Christians and who I have deeply respected for the strength of their faith.  I suspected and had hoped I was wrong.  Hell I would have rather Scott had given her the money.  That was who she assumed I thought it was who had given her the money for it.  I was going to give her half of the filing fee as I'm a party to this.  But after finding out her mom had willingly and knowingly taken an action to undermine and support the ending of my marriage, I decided I wouldn't. 

    But as we drove back to her parents house for me to pick up the kids I told her the one thing I have always respected about her was the strength of her faith.  And it wasn't a lie.  I have always admired that about her.  I have never had strong faith, I was born a skeptic and its been a battle for me to build faith and I'm not very good at it.  But she has always had strong faith and I told her I admired and respected that about her.  She then told me her faith had been destroyed 3 years ago.  I'm beginning to understand her dates and time frames are random as the milestones in this debacle range from 5 to 12 to 1 to 3 years ago.  I don't really keep track anymore.  I told her that was too bad and I hoped she finds it again, and the rest of the drive home was in silence.

    I was angry when I woke up this morning.  I called her to see how her mom's surgery had gone and she had not answered.  She called me back and instantly asked me what time I was coming to fill out the papers.  I told her it would be near 1030 and asked how her mom was.  She said she was fine and wouldn't elaborate. Her mom had just had major brain surgery on cancer of her brain lining and apart from me thinking now was a horrible time for her to pull the trigger on a divorce, I was genuinely concerned about her mother.  She was angry because last night after I didn't reach her I called her dad, who apparently to her.  She told me that her family doesn't want to talk to me anymore and told me to leave them all alone.  After 12 years it feels like I'm despised and detested by those who told me I was part of their family.  And this was before I found out her mom had not only sanctioned the divorce but paid for it. 

    I got off the phone and prayed.  But no prayer I've ever prayed before.  I was pissed.  I told God I don't care if I'm on day 34 or not I don't want to do this anymore.  I'm not him and I'm tired of not only putting out love and understanding to her but to her family and being detested for it.  They think I'm playing a game.  They think I'm making this up out of some desperation.  They have no belief in my ability to change, or even more damning, in God's ability to change me.  They think I'm using their language of Christianity to manipulate the situation.  I told God I was done.  I told him I don't want to continue to put energy into this and to be kicked time and time again.  I told him I didn't care if it was a viable reason or not but I wanted out.  I want out.  I can't do this anymore.

    Part of my prayer continued into the shower where my rage and anger continued for a moment as I screamed at him to let me out of this and to end this situation.  My anger then turned to sadness as I began sobbing.  I felt myself softening and I was angry.  I looked up and screamed.  "Don't make me keep doing this.  Just let this end already."  I'm afraid he is pushing me to continue.  I don't want to.  I hurt.  I'm tired of hurting.  I don't feel there is any miracle on the horizon for my marriage and I want to move on.  I want to build my relationship with God and my kids and those in my life who do cherish me and don't look on me with anger and hatred as she and her family do.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I'll finish the Love Dare because I'm so close but I don't want to be married to someone who hates me. 

    I took my ring off and put it on my chain around my neck when we signed the papers.  I tried to talk to her about the next steps but she didn't want to.  She got her way and was still angry.  I don't get it.  How can anything I have done incited this much anger and hatred in her?  I wasn't good during this process.  I was hurting and I said things I shouldn't have.  I told her I thought it was stupid for her to pull the trigger on the divorce while her mom is battling brain cancer and is in the middle of surgery.  I told her I thought was selfish and a messed up priority.  She threatened to make me walk back to her parents if I was going to be hateful.  I told her that was not fair and apologized.  I started tell her I loved her and wanted to see this be different and she cut me off.  "Do you need to fill the empty space with this bullshit?"  she asked.  "Because if you don't, shut up."  I didn't say another word. 

    Za asked me what was going on when I picked him up.  He grabbed the divorce papers off the car while we were putting their backpacks in the trunk.  He looked at me and said "I thought I told you not to sign those dad."  I told him I hadn't signed them, and didn't agree with them.  I told him I just had to sign that I understood that Mommy wanted a divorce.  He then saw I didn't have my ring on and asked me why.  I told him we would talk about it later. 

    We got back to my apartment and had a snack and talked about it.  I told him and Nomes mommy and I weren't divorced yet but that she really wants one, even though I don't.  I told them this was between me and mommy and we both still loved them very much and were going to be awesome parents no matter what happens.  I told them they didn't need to worry about anything and told them to continue to pray about it.  They were good.  Not angry, no tears.  Za did look at me and say.  "Dad, put your ring back on."  I asked him why and he said "Cuz you and mommy aren't divorced."  I smiled and took it off my necklace.  I asked them when I should take it off.  And Nomes looked at me and said.  "When mommy tells you its time to."  I smiled and put it back on. 

    I believe God speaks to me through my kids.  Especially on Tuesday when Za looked right at me and said, "Dad, don't sign those papers" after I prayed all morning about what to do.  I don't want to keep doing this.  There is a 90 day waiting period before they will enter a judgment on the divorce.  I text messaged my mom and said "God is gonna make me see this through isn't he?"  I don't want to, I don't think I can.  I asked him to help me let go of this.  Why does it feel like he's drawing me back in.  What is there to learn in being beaten down day after day after day with now miracle in sight?

     

  • Seeker, WOW. I would say I feel for you. Actually I do. But I see a major problem in this post. After all the dares, after all your posts. You are still trying to control the whole situation. You are not turning over completely to Christ. That prayer was the most selfish and "you" prayer I have seen. The language is not Christian like. The anger you pray is not the love of Christ. But one thing I can say about that prayer. Now you have an idea of what Christ went through. The rejection, the hatred, the spite. But still he loved. Not only did he love, he loved more, he loved harder.

    You feel that you are being drawn back in because wants to be first in your life. He wants you to be molded in his likeness. You would be the best testimony he could have for your wife, for your wife's family. But it is your actions that will prove that Christ has changed you and you have accepted it.

    Take the time and pray that you can lead your heart. That you can open your heart to his teaching and change what you need to. To accept what you have to.

    And since there is a 90 day period. This gives you the ability to take this journey another 40 days and focus on you and Christ. YOUR walk with Christ.

    You will be in my prayers. And I pray that you will take more of a focus on what these dares truly are, and what they should do to teach you to be a testimony. And remember, with God ALL things are possible. And when you feel that anger coming into your heart, BE STILL.... FOR I AM GOD> Which means allow him to handle the situation and you stay out of it. Go to him in prayer, and ask for the comfort and ability to deal with the situation as he would.

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