My husband and I barely speak anymore, so our lengthy discussion today was nice even though it was about things I didn't agree with...
I told my husband today that I value his opinions & thoughts & that I was sorry if I overlooked them in the past. I told him I would try harder to consider his opinions in all future decisions. Surprisingly he responded. He said that was great to hear and he himself would try to not let his anger get in the way of talking to one another. From there our conversation went again to the moving issue. He once again asked about talking to my parents & I told him I would not but he is welcome to if he wants. He told me he wasn't bluffing & that if I thought he wouldn't talk to them then I am mistaken. I told him he should do whatever he feels needs to be done but I will not help him break this family apart. He told me that by saying that to him I make him feel guilty. He talked a lot, I only listened. He talked about the several scenarios he has planned in his head for how things will go when it's time to move, but he's not sure what will work yet. He was very calm the whole time. He said that he feels that I think that he isn't serious about what is going on & i told him I completely understand what is going on.
Overall, he learned my parents knew our situation. I learned his financial attorney let him know he can move out anytime now & does not have to wait until the proceedings are finalized. My husband is very stuck on how will we have money for 2 apts, new furniture, bills, etc... & I just let him know that whatever he figures out I will be happy with. He still thinks that I am acting and that once "sh*t hits the fan" I will be a vengeful wife. He said that he feels he has a better relationship with the kids when I am not around & that he feels his relationship with them will get stronger once he leaves. He told me he is just not happy & I told him I want him to be happy. I asked him if he knew what would make him happy & he said yes. I didn't ask for more details, they are unimportant to me.
He repeated that he will not be going to my families Christmas Eve dinner, but did say he would like to go to midnight mass with me & the kids.
I am so thankful that we were able to talk peacefully, that I was able to listen to him & that in a time of turmoil in my life I know that God will comfort me & bring me peace.
One thing I could use some thoughts on: My husband now thinks that it might be best for him to stay at the place we are at now & move me & the kids to a 2 bedroom apt (if my parents let me stay there for free). At first I thought of confronting him politely about downgrading me while he stayed in this gorgeous place... but then I thought, where ever I go I will be glad as long as my children are with me.
You asked for thoughts... Your husband has no clue on his selfishness. Why should he stay there and throw you and the kids in an apt? This should not be acceptable to you. If he is the one that wants it to be over, then tell him to find an apartment, your not going anywhere.
This journey with Christ does not mean you just give in to everything he wants. I am sorry, but tell your husband instead of asking your parents for a free apartment for you and the kids, tell him to ask them if he can get one for a discount for himself.
You are keeping the kids, why should the lives of you and your kids be uprooted for his selfishness while he lives as he wants?
Now, I am not saying be mean about it, and do not do it out of spite. But there is nothing wrong with standing your ground in this situation.
Sean, before I read your reply, I knew it was what I had to do. I prayed alot about it before I talked to him. I simply tried to begin with today's dare, and afterwords mentioned that I wanted to discuss the living possibilities we discussed yesterday. I told him I did not agree with him kicking me and the kids out while he stays at this place. Well, it quickly went from bad to worse. That was about all I got to say before he lost his temper & said I was just trying to get the best of everything & he said if this is the game I want to play, then it's on. He threw things around & yelled & I didn't stay to watch him throw a hissy fit. I went to my room, thanked the Lord for the courage to speak calmly to my husband & went about my business.
I heard my husband throwing things around & hitting walls/doors, so I locked the bedroom door (I am not threatened by him, I just thought It was a good way to give us space). Anyway, a few minutes later he was pounding on the door demanding I let him in. I did & he went on and on again about how I'm a liar & a b*tch. He said he wont give me a damn penny and he wants me out of his house. I said fine but I'm taking the kids too. He didn't like that. He kept shouting about how his credit is bad & he'll never find a place to rent & he wont pay for me to be spoiled, etc. He brought up that I am not working & I reminded him that I was only not working on his request. I had a job lined up last march.
He threw & kicked things. He yelled & called me names because I "ruined" his plans. He said to forget Christmas & that he's out of here.
I heard him call his mom to see if he can go stay there, I dunno what was said but he's still here so I guess she talked him down. He told her I am doing whatever it takes to make him stay here as long as possible.
In the end it makes me sad to see him turn into such an angry & bitter person. I will pray harder tonight for him. Onthe other hand, I was thankful to God for being with me, keeping me calm & giving me the strength to stand up for what is right.
Please pray for my husband, he is such a good man. Thank you :)
Do not for one second feel bad about him being so angry and bitter and these outbreaks. These are believe it or not blessings for you in a couple ways. First the conviction of your statement upon him which caused his rage. Second your ability to remain calm and Christ-like in response.... Third, You being able to stand firm with Christ and hold your ground, which shows him you are done playing.
It makes me laugh when I read things like this. I remember what a bone head my wife was in the time of our marriage falling apart. Wanting a divorce because she was having an affair, but at the same time wanting to keep the house and me pay for it. With no care for the children in any of it.
And of course the bone head I was when the tables were turned.
It just goes to show how deep true selfishness is in us. And when Christ opens us to His ways, we can see even how much worse it truly is.
Well Praise God for that moment. Because now he is realizing he does not have complete control over you, and with your testimony of Christ daily it will continue to get under his skin. Just be firm, but be nice, be loving be of Christ.
There is one more thing.
The only thing I believe you did wrong was agree that you were going to leave then threaten to take the kids.
Just hold your ground and tell him you are not going anywhere. Thats it.
Just as in Christs eyes you are one, so are everything in the eyes of the courts. But they use a term called marital asset. The house, the money, everything. So don't you worry about anything. If he leaves, he has to pay. Just because he is a selfish bone head at the moment, dont you worry about that. Pray that Christ will bring him to his knees to open his eyes to him!
Yea, I wish I could have taken that back too. As soon as I said it I was regretting it. I did maintain my stance though & continued to tell him I wasn't the one who would be leaving. It makes me smile to know I was able to do all of that without raising my voice or losing my temper & I owe it all to God!
Forever, as I read your story about him loosing his temper and accusing you of being selfish is quite the display of his selfishness. In your other posts I've noticed a pattern of him accusing you of exactly what he is doing. interesting, huh? all the more need to pray for him.
And the more your testimony will shine through.