I am having a very hard time with this dare. First, we haven't been intimate for a while; second, I am still pretty upset over the last few days; third, even if I were to initiate, and even if he were to accept, I don't think it would feel right at all. The last few times we were intimate it just didn't work at all for me but he never even cared, never noticed. Its not just a satisfaction thing, this goes much deeper. It just felt all wrong, and for those of you who say that even when you're not in the mood you should anyway, and you'll get into it as you go, that's not true for me at all. What it really comes down to is that I don't want to be intimate with him any longer. At all. I mentioned in earlier posts about how distant he seems to be lately, well it seems that the more angry I have felt the closer he has gotten. I don't want to ride this crazy ride any more. I don't want to feel torn between what society has dictated I should be, what I should do, and what I feel is right to do. And yet, I should be leading my heart more than letting it lead me. Knowing and doing and truly believing are not all one at this moment; I need to work on this and keep praying.
Polly... This is part of leading your heart. It is also a part of trusting Christ.
But I feel a much deeper thing is wrong. It seems there is some sort of forgiveness that you cannot get to. What is it you have not forgiven?
If you do not want to be intimate with him any longer, then you will be neglecting him for your own selfishness. You need to find the root of this. Because if you cannot love him 100 percent, then you can never be able to share Gods love with him
I agree with you, there are some deeper issues here. I want to believe that there is good in everything, look to the positive, but when it really comes down to it, the past four years have been one disappointment after another. I have not forgiven him for deceiving me into believing he was the one I wanted, the one I needed; I stand alone more often than anyone who is married should. And I haven't found a way to tell him this without crushing him.
Now I wish I could take the previous post back. I tried to delete but it didn't work.
Saying he deceived me is a bit strong. But I do believe that I took a wrong turn back there and now I am suffering the consequences. I must have missed something somewhere, not paid attention when I should, let my heart lead me into this situation. I can't change the past but I sure can learn from it.
Then do not follow your heart anymore. Let this be a lesson on how deceitful the heart truly is. Now learn to walk with Christ and lead your heart, not only to Him, but your husband.
This journey was teaching you that all along. We just need to learn how to listen.