As I read the dare for the day 2 things are heavy on my heart. My relationship with my mom and my relationship with the OM. My mom and I have always been very close, she was my best friend growing up and we shared everything. My mom had a few troubles when we were younger after the divorced my brothers dad, and needless to say we all grew up pretty fast. I am not sure my mom really remembers these times, or maybe she just chooses to remove them from memory. don't get me wrong- we had a blast that summer at the lake, but I also had to take care of my younger brother when she worked nights. My mom was the first person I called the day the news broke about my affair, and at first she was supportive, but then things went down hill. I think she still thinks of me as a small child and she can tell me what and what not to do. She gets upset if I don't take her advice (do what she says). So at thebeginning of January after my husband told me he couldn't love me anymore and wanted to file for divorce, I called her. Hurtful things were said, and we haven't spoken since. There have been a few emails back and forth about general life things- dogs, my brother, school, etc, but nothing about what is going on in my life. I am sad about this relationship, but I know it is for the best right now. She was too involved and now that she is out of our marriage I feel as peace. I miss talking to her but I am able to make decisions on my own and not have her influence or negativity beating me when I don't do what she thinks is best.
The second area is the OM. I have a huge emotional connection with him and it has been extremely hard to break. I have tried several times, but I grow weak and we start talking again. I try so hard to put myself in my husbands shoes and know the pain I have caused him and if he knew I was still in communication with him he would be hurt all over again. I have talked to my counselor about this and he just tells me to stay away from him. The thing is we still work together. There are things that have to be discussed, and for the most part (90%) it is all business. We use to run together, so occasionally he will ask about my running and my knees (they have been bothering me), and how my life is going. I do not know his current marriage situation and he doesn't know mine except that they both suck right now. I have placed all problems at Gods doorstep about my marriage, and I am starting to feel at peace with his decision. I know he has great things planned for me in my future and I am on this journey now for a reason. I just wish I could get this OM out of my head and place my entire focus back on this marriage. I have to confess though, I often wonder what it would be like if I was by myself. My husband and I had a lot of fun together but that is all. we lacked the emotional connection, and deep life meaningful dreams. I am a huge fitness person and my husband could care less. I catch myself thinking about the future and with someone who has the same interest as me. I know this is wrong, and I don't know if I do this because I am ready for the future or scared of what lies ahead. We have been to the lawyers office, but no papers have been processed yet. He says he is out, but still lives with me- we will still sometimes go to eat together, and Saturday we watched a movie together at home. He was sick so I am sure that had something to do with it, but different than last weekend when he went out partying all night.
Anyways, today I am praying for strenght to distance myself from the OM emotionally (100%)
Well here is something you may not want to hear. You must do whatever you need to get away from that situation. The more of a emotional connection you get the more it will effect your marriage, and you walk with Christ.
You must protect your marriage, in good times and bad. And the real problem right now is the selfishness that overcomes. The moments that you personally justify for this situation.
Even to more the point, not only is your husband not in the forefront in these situations, but neither is Christ. Remember lead your heart and not follow it.
If you have not read the appendix yet please do so ASAP.
Sean. Thank you for the encouraging words. I have been praying a lot today and last night and everytime my mind wonders I immediately bring it back to my husband and know what God is telling me to do. I am making daily goals for myself to not have any outside contact with the OM. I have read the appendix several times. Daily for a few weeks, and keep reminding myself to lead my heart and not follow it or give up- that is the easy thing to do, giving up.
So with that recognition, how are the dares going?