This is starting to feel more like a count down than something I feel vested in.
I appreciate all the words of advise and wisdom from the people who have gone through this. But I'm literally giving up. Which may not be bad. Maybe that is what it will take for me to finally place all of this in God's hands. I don't really know.
I haven't talked to her save for in text messages. I don't want to. I don't want to see her. I don't want to hear her voice. I am disgusted at the thought of her right now. I woke up at 3:30 this morning and couldn't sleep, all I had were images of her and Scott in my head, sleeping with one another. Scott having sex with my wife in what was my bed 150 yards from me and my kids. This morning has not brought any new clarity to how to feel about this or what to categorize it as. All I know is that if I don't feel numb I feel angry.
I prayed with this last night and I prayed when I woke. Last night I prayed just to get through the night. This morning the kids kept me busy. Between questions about the divorce and tears over hating where we live not and that they don't want to go to school and just general getting ready for school stuff I didn't have time to think about anything other than them. Which was good. It was when I was alone my mind wandered to seeing the two of them waking in each other's arms. I made sure to busy myself, getting my uniform together today and oiling my gun for work.
Got the kids to school after a melt down over forgotten homework. Had a run in with the School Resource officer who didn't know I was a cop and demanded I relinquish my knife I had in my pocket. Told them I was a cop and they didn't care. Handed it to them and went to deal with the homework issue and find a missing trumpet. Afterwards I retrieved my knife and was short with the guy. Yeah I get rules are rules, but I wasn't in the mood and all the energy of my irritation and just the strain of keeping things together came out. I didn't yell. I took the knife and when the guy told me he didn't know I was a cop because I wasn't in uniform I just walked away. He made a comment about how I was an ass and I just ignored him. I went to N. who was still crying and tried to comfort her until the bell rang for them to go in.
How messed up is this? I feel I'm the only one who is facing this mess head on. I deal with the tears over reality while K covers it with lies to make her look and feel better. Z. told me last night, looking at the cover of Fireproof, I can't leave mom behind because she's my partner. My kids are freaking smart. They know. They are not stupid little beings who can be tricked. I told Z I wasn't leaving mom behind, but that mom didn't want to be my partner anymore. I then said she wanted a new partner, thinking of Scott next door. I wish I hadn't said it but I did. Thankfully it didn't garner any additional reaction save for N crying she wanted me and mommy to be partners. I deal with this head on. I am focused on the kids and it feels like play time for her. I am dealing with the crying kids who don't understand and who are essentially getting conflicting messages from their parents. Not that I'm without adding to that because I won't subscribe to K's line that she and I are best friends and think the other is cool, as she tell the kids. We're not best friends and we're not going to be best friends. My friends wouldn't treat me as she does. My friends wouldn't betray me. She's barely and acquantance, a necessary evil because we are both parents to these kids, and in the long run, its the kids who will pay for this. The amount of energy needed to deal with the damage control of this is going to be unbelievable. I know this because I'm 33 years old and still dealing with the damage from my parents divorce because no one would. Maybe I can to it better than my parents, but this isn't going to be some movie like K thinks its is or some Situational comedy with Reba full of laughs and jokes and fun one-liners.
My prayer when I came home was very simple. I thanked God for his blessings and for another day. I thanked him for my health and the health of my kids, for the food I was about to eat and I asked him to walk with me today and help me face whatever I face, be it physical, mental, emotional or otherwise. In Jesus' name. Amen.
I have to go to work now. I have to go help other people fix their problems, and I get a new trainee today, so I get to teach another guy how to fix other people's problems. and then I look at the series of posts I put on here and the pages upon pages I write in my journal. Fix other people's problems. I can't fix mine. I guess those who can't do Teach. I'm giving it to God to sort out. I have other things I need to do today.
God is good. And I can trust him.
Um wow. There are days when you don't think things can get much worse. And then they do.
I had been led to believe the only night Scott was going to be in town was last night. So you can imagine my surprise when I called up K and told her N had asked me to come by when I got off work tonight to say hi. I asked her if that was a problem and there was a long pause. I've been alive long enough to know nothing good comes after that. She eventually responds "if you can be nice." to which I innocently asked why, fully knowing the answer because I heard Scott's voice in the background with my kids. She told me Scott was still there. Oh. So I ask the next logical question. "Is he staying the night? Not right now. Right. Lie. I am tired of being lied to.
I still can't wrap my head around this. Fine you hate me. You're moving on. But you can't do it with the slightest bit of dignity and respect? Is she devoid of anything resembling either of those items? And to subject our kids to this? Do you not think they will have questions? What happens when N wanders into your room and he's in bed with you? You've been lying about the divorce to them, how do you intend to sugar coat this? How do you intend to rationalize that?
I don't want to see her again. I don't want to talk to her. She couldn't wait two weeks? Two freaking weeks? Show some restraint? Show some respect? Show some humanity? Can't do that? Is whatever I've done worthy of this treatment?
She didn't let my dog out after I asked her if she could this afternoon. Poor thing was freaking out when I got home. Z's trumpet is still sitting here along with their lunches. My guess... will probably forget it and will use the money I put down on the lunches to pay for their lunches tomorrow. But she grilled tonight and they all watched a movie. How quaint.
What was this a test run. Playing house? with my family. My family. This is my family this guy and her are messing with. These are my kids. They have questions I have to field because I am honest with them and I tell them the truth and I have an open honest dialog with them. She tells them not to worry about it and they think the divorce isn't happening. She lies to them because she is a coward. She is a coward and can't face the reality of what she has created.
And don't tell me she cares for the kids. Uprooting them for a subpar job she hates. Moving them to a school they hate, splitting up their family and ultimately blowing it up through a divorce and then introducing a new guy to their life. All in the span of 4 months. Are you out of your freaking mind? Are you kidding me? Who thinks this is okay? Who looks at this as the rational and acceptable behavior of a 32 year old woman? Her parents? Well they seem to support it, either financially or through their silence? or does she ignore them to. Mommy dearest gave her the money for the divorce while telling me she was praying for us. Praying for what? and who were you praying for? I would love to know the scripture she uses to sleep at night knowing she not only has supported her daughter's affair but blew up her grandkids family. I'd love to find that scripture for the next time I really mess something up and need to know my actions were okay.
I have tried. I have tired to be good. To be bigger. To do what I thought was right and I have repeatedly been kicked in the teeth, treated with no regard and insulted by the woman I have called my wife for the last 12 years. God may be calling me to be a better person. But I'm not being called to do this. I'm not being called to put up with this. So the gloves are off.
I tried. But I can't anymore. I can't. Or I won't. You pick. I'm amending the parenting plan. I'm not going to help her with her rent. She wants a break I'm giving it to her. A clean break. A chance for her to survive on her own devoid of my intervention, devoid of my involvement. Kids have questions about Scott, they will be directed to her. I'm not protecting her for her bad choices anymore. I don't care what she calls me. I don't care what she accuses me of. I don't care. I tired. Scott can pay for her phone and her rent. Or her parents can. I don't care. Everyone has a tipping point. She just hit mine.
I'll continue my walk with God through another venue. I will give this energy to someone who deserves it. Like my Kids, my family, my friends and I will give her nothing more than I am obligated to.
God's never late. That may be true. And if he's got a plan I can't interfer with that. My faith in him has not waivered. But I'm not going to continue to put energy into the woman who is sleeping with another man 150 yards from me with my kids in the house. No. That's not gonna happen. She'll get what the court says she can have. Not my job to take care of her. I don't want to. I don't want a miracle. I don't want God to save this. I don't want anything from her. She's destroyed it and I don't want it to be fixed.
And PS. I'm not doing tomorrow's dare. That would be awesome. Call her while she is in the arms of another man and ask her to fulfill my sexual needs. I'd rather take a cold shower.
I gotta sleep. have to be up in 4 hours to solve other people's problems and try to stay alive.
Seeker.... This is going to be much to this response. So. I am going to re-read your posts and as I need to comment I will. So please understand that I am going to go down the line.
Here we go.....
I do not understand how giving up is giving it to God. At least in the preference I read it in. If you are giving up all the concerns and worries to God and complete control then great. But as I read the posts. That is not the case. In my opinion, after reading the posts it seems you are going crazy. And I can understand that. I know what its like. I have been through it. I must tell you this. What is going through your mind is hundreds of times worse than what reality is. Your mind will wonder to the most extreme things that you can think. Now, am I saying that they did not sleep together? No. And I saying they did? No. but no matter what the worst will go through your mind. And the details of it will be much more than it probably is.
The situation at the school was complete selfishness. Because you did not feel like following the rules you tried not to. I have to tell you. That is not a testimony to Christ. And there is no way that is Christ-like. I hate to be forward about this. But a part of being a Christian is being able to be held accountable. But, here is the great thing. Ask Christ for forgiveness and the strength to get through and be that testimony He is trying to get you to be. And in that situation. Do not get mad at the security guy for doing his job. Next time you see him apologize for being what he called you (he was right). And remember, he was protecting your kids. I too would not trust you saying you were a cop and not in uniform.
You said - "How messed up is this? I feel I'm the only one who is facing this mess head on. I deal with the tears over reality while K covers it with lies to make her look and feel better. " Put your selfishness aside. And be the Christian Christ is molding you to be. You are to be a testimony to your children, to the people around you. Heck, even in the flesh, as a cop. How would you deal with a man that was being like this. What would you as a professional say to yourself? Think about it.
The reason I am pointing this out so forwardly is that I have seen you trust Christ. But it seems now you are not. Seeker. You are stronger than this. And I know it is hard. But you have the solution right in front of you. CHRIST.
The kids. Smart. LOL. Yep, smarter than adults. They see things as they should be. In black and whit. Where as we adults are so manipulative we have many gray areas. We need to get back to that line of thought. Because we have been so manipulative in our lives that we no longer can see things as black and white. Hence the world needing Police.
Fixing problems. Thats right you cannot fix them. Why? Because we controlled things in our lives for so long, there is only one way. That way is Christ. And always remember that. Christ must be first in your life. Think about this. We have a jealous God. Just as you are jealous of your wife and the other guy. And right now, you are putting God aside and going crazy over your wife. But Christ is right there. Wanting you to long for Him. Wanting you to trust Him. Wanting you to come to Him. Wanting you to make Him first. But you are not doing that. You are making her first. Make Him first. Worry about your relationship with Him. He is the one that would never do this to you. And no matter how much you put Him to the side, He is still right there with a tear in His eye, waiting for you to change. He is truly the only one that loves you UNCONDITIONALLY. But we as humans take that for granted. Our selfish ways take that for granted.
Saying you are not called to do this. I am sorry to tell you. YOU ARE> Called wants you to be a testimony in all things. And I am sorry to tell you. Taking the gloves off, is not a testimony. It is you taking control and doing it your way. Which is a slap in Christs face. This is you coming to Christ in the beginning begging for His help and when you feel it is not being done your way, you are now going to do it the way you think it needs to be done. And I have to tell you. That kind of thinking is what got you here in the first place.
You have every right to put her away. With a writ of divorce. Also, you should not protect her lies in this situation. Because it is causing you to lie.
You stated the you will continue your walk with God through another venue. I have to tell you what popped into my head when I read that. I thought, OK, so he has decided this is going to be handled his way and no more walking with Christ. Then the next relationship he gets into, when that one starts to fall apart. then he will come back and ask Christ for help.
And did you ever realize that is what we all do. We go to Christ when we need Him. When He comes through, it is like Hey, Thanks Lord, See you next time. Well I too would get sick of that. No praise no nothing. It is not until our trust, our focus, our love is completely to Him, that things will be different. Trust me, I have been there as well.
I agree. Give the energy and the teachings of the dares to your kids. Be that testimony to them now so that they can have Christ their whole lives and not come to it as you have, when times are tough.
You then say God has a plan and you cannot interfere with it. Well you are. By taking control and doing things your way. I am sorry, but you are.
Seeker, I pray for you bro. I pray that God blesses you with Comfort and strength....
Scott stayed the night. He slept in her bed with her. N couldn't sleep but said when she went to K's room she didn't go inside because her and Scott were making noise and she didn't want to interrupt.
I want to say I'm infuriated. I was yesterday. I was full of rage. I was so angry.
And today. I'm not angry. I'm hurt. Hurt badly and deeply. She slept with another man in our bed 150 yards from me with my kids in the house and within earshot. She lied to be about how much exposure the kids were going to have with Scott and is being reckless and irresponsible with the kids. She is being disrespectful and vicitious towards me but I know she doesn't care about that. Part of me thinks she wants me to be hurt by this. She'll be glad to know it worked.
I want to be mad. I feel I should be mad. I don't know if this is God but I can't stay mad. The insane thing is after all of this after what she's done I feel I've already begun forgiving her. Because if she came to me and said she wanted to work on this I wouldn't think twice. I love this woman inspite of her faults and behaviors. I love her. It feels wrong though. Feels like I should be mad. But I know if she came to me and said she wanted to work on this the reasons I wouldn't want to would be because of pride. My pride would want to say "no, you hurt me. I need to stay angry. I need to stay hurt. I need to hold onto this because what you did was so wrong." But I am having a hard time holding onto that. Holding onto that pride. I don't know if this is God acting in my life or if this is some kind of co-dependency scared to death to lose her.
Reality is I already have lost her. She's given her self to another man in less than a week I will have a judge tell me I'm no longer her husband because she doesn't want me to be. And the idea of that crushes me because I can't see a life without her. I really thought we were going to make it. Grow old together. I thought we would win. I wanted that. Looks like that's not gonna happen.
God's never late huh? Well time feels short and my heart is heavy. I pray but I don't know if God is listening. I looked to the sky last night after work and prayed very simply "are you still there, cuz I'm not feeling so great." Nothing happened. I'd have given up on me too. I know he hasn't given up. I don't know.
I'm numb. Too exhausted to move. I want to go to sleep until September is over. I want stronger faith. I want my wife back. I want my kids to have their parents and not to have to hear my daughter cry because I'm not there. I want my life back.
Oh and my other venue was going to be a different devotional. Its getting to hard to do this with her as the focus in light of all that is happening.
Of course she is hoping it effected you. One of the biggest things about pride when it gets stepped on. Is that now pride is thinking how to get her back. But when Christ is in your heart. You will humble yourself. And allow God to handle the situation.
The mixed feelings are you are so used to the expectations of the world. But you have the Holy Spirit in your heart. Your mind is trying to figure it out, and it is still part of the world. But your heart is with Christ. The battle begins............ People around you that would know, could never understand your ability of forgiveness, because they are of the world. This is a good thing. You are being molded by Christ. And you are already a better person for it. But here is the problem. Can you allow your heart to overcome your mind when a situation arises with her? Can you humble yourself enough to allow Christ to comfort you? Right now, quit worrying about the feelings and PRAISE HIM for what He is doing in your life. For bringing you through this. And everytime you start to lose that and allow the thoughts of the mind to take over.... TAKE IT TO PRAYER AND PRAISE.
And I will tell you. God is never late. Don't start allowing the devil to give you doubt.
I remember my brother telling me a story. How he prayed and prayed that God would bring back the mother of his daughter. He was so upset that it was not happening, that he called God on His word. He said, "God it says in the Bible, you will grant me the desires of my heart"
There was more to it. But you get the point. 5 years later he was married to another woman. My brother stayed on his path with Christ, trusting Him even though he had that (what most people would call) let down.
when I was going through my situation. I to, had the same thoughts. And I went to my brother about those thoughts and he told me the story. And he told me flat out. "Sean, God did bless me with the desires of my heart. I thought the desire was her, but it was a wife that I could share Christ with, share love with, share the journey with. Happiness, and love. " He also mentioned that he could never have done that with the other woman. But it took him a while to understand that.
God will be there. God will get you through. And you will experience Love and happiness like you never have. It may be with her, it may not be. But God will guide you to the situation where it will be the fullest.
Now the situation with your kids. She needs to know the effect of what she is doing on them. Not because of the situation with the 2 of you, but the other guy staying over, and sleeping with her. THAT IS NOT GOOD> Because in the future. When your daughters are in a situation, will it be OK, because mom did it?