What a day! It was full of twists & turns & around every corner God's grace waas waiting for me! How amazing!
WIth the time change last night, my wonderful children were awake at 6am. I went upstairs to be with them, but I was not in a good mood! I haven't been able to sleep in for a looooong time & when I get up with the kids I try to keep them as quiet as possible so my husband can sleep! Since they were up so early, I decided to go to 9 am mass because I knew they'd be fully cranky if I waited to go at 11am. I fed them, and was trying to get them & myself ready for church, but in the midst we woke up my husband. He asked where we were going & I told him to 9am mass... I think he was considering coming with us for a second, but got distracted helping the boys get dressed. So I'm at church & I am not in a good mood from the events of the morning. I am trying with my whole heart to pay attention, but it was either one kid crying or screaming or needing to go to the bathroom. I finally got up & took them in the cry room where at least I felt they weren't bothering the congregation as much! I got in there and just broke down. The tears were flowing & I just prayed. I prayed for my kids. I prayed to God to help me get over whatever was making me so moody so I can love my kids like they deserve. I prayed for peace. And all of the sudden I felt a million times better. I thanked God for listening & for being here with me. When I got home from mass we were all in a great mood & all smiles :)
The afternoon dragged on...but in the early evening we had a baptism reception to attend. I had informed my husband of this earlier this week and told him it was up to him if he wanted to come, but I was going with the kids. I had no expectations of him going- but he surprised me and came with us. And not only that, but he acctually wore a suit (He hates them). He also told me I looked nice in the dress I was wearing and also the dress I had wore to church earlier (he hates that dress & always reffered to it as a bag, LOL). At the reception, he griped a bit about the food & how stuffy it was, but I didn't let it bother me. My boys were with their cousins & friends, and my baby girl was with me mostly & we chatted with our friends while my husband sat at the table for the most part, on his own-texting. I asked him a few times if I can get him a drink or some food, and he took me up on my offeres a time or two. At one pooint I was talking to a good friend of my family & my husband showed up behind me. He was quiet & I didn't even know how long he had been standing there- but he didn't say anything, I started to wonder if it was becasue I was talking to anther man- but my husband has never been the jealous type & he even knew the guy I was talking to- they used to get along great!
Anyway, this is where the dare played a role. My family is huge & there is always something going on almost every weekend, so where I used to demand he comes with me every time, I give him the option to now. I also like to stay as late as the kids will allow me becasue I get to socialize...but today my husband wanted to leave right after dinner. SO I said OK. I gathered the kids, said goodbye to my family & the hostess & we were on our way. I wasn't about to split "us" just because I maybe wanted to stay a little longer. It wasn't worth it to me.
Some things I found interesting today. I brought my husband some water to the table at one point & sat next to him & out of habit put my hand on his knee. He glared at me & I just smiled & said sorry & removed it. It was completely innocent! Also, he took the time to say hello to my parents and many members of my family even though he keeps telling me how much he can't stand them. IT was nice to see.
I would be lying if I said the idea of him possibly seeing someone else has escaped my mind completely...but at the same time, I don't give it much thought like I used to. I keep reminding myslef EVERYTHING has a place in God's will, so let it be. It works usually...but sometimes my mind can go a little nuts (Like last night) so I pray. Hard.
When we got home tonight & I put the kids down, I went to our room and thanked my husband for coming with me. I said he looked great & it was nice that he decided to come. He told me when I do things like that (say thank you) that it is weird. I just told him I appreciated it.
I keep thinking to myself, how much longer before I know what is going on?!?!! Then I remind myslef to be patient! I pray often, just to thank God for all the blessings in my life, including my husband & to ask His guidance in leading me toward His will. I pray He will warm my husbands cold heart to His love. I pray my husband will accept His love. But I know that day by day, something is happening- I may not notice, but God is working :)
One more thought- I was overwhelmed with a wave of selfishness today- I wanted to sleep and not have to wake up to the kids & I began to wonder when my husband will choose to wake up first and be with them so I could sleep. I was dealing with tantrums & back talk from my kiddies while my husband napped or played on the computer or watched TV- again I wondered when he would step up. I had to run errands, wash dishes & make sure the kids had clean clothes for school- and wondered when my husband would help out. After each time thinking that, I immediately asked God to help me get through it...and He did. I guess I wonder if these thoughts are natural and will continue to come at me at times but I have to recognize them as selfishness or is it a weakness on my part that I must work on?
Selfishness is not always what you think it is. There are times we deserve rest. So do not let it beat you up too bad.
Your growth is amazing and you are doing so great.