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Day 3 and she is trying as hard as she can to "Hurt me"

Day 3 and she is trying as hard as she can to "Hurt me"

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  • Jason and Sean...Thanks so much. I agree that she is trying to control me and the situation. We talked for a long time last night. She is very, very angry still and has not dealt with my affair. She believes she said had her affair to make me mad enough to leave her, she thinks that will make her anger and pain go away. She said she just wants this over.....I don't believe her, I think that is the pain, hurt and fear talking! She is affraid to give her heart back to me...I get it. She asked me how can I love her after she cheated on me and I took that opportunity to witness to her about real love. That I make the concious choice to love her every morning....even when my heart doesn't want to! She cried and didn't say a word. I also told her I understand that is not a place that she is and that I respect and accept that, and I will not force my views on her.  I would have never mentioned that if she wouldn't have asked.

    Then we talked about her wanting me to move out of the house we moved into 3 weeks ago.  I got a little tough and said...that I want to stay married, I do not want a divorce, therefore I do not think I should leave the house. I am not going to help her in this process and if she wants a divorce she can leave or we can sell the house and both start over. I will accept it if it is her choice but I will not walk away.

    She cried, and cried and cried saying this is all my fault because of my affair 4 years ago and I am victimizing her again....I am hurting her again.

    I had no answer other than I am sorry she feels that way.

    I really think she loves me but refuses to give up the control she has through anger and hurt. She doesn't want to break down the wall she has built around her heart. She says she will never marry again and her only love is our children and she wants to devote herself to them and only them.

    I pray that through our pastoral counselor that GOD can begin to chip away at her hardened heart and she can learn to love again.

    I TRUST God to do this. I believe that is HIS will.

    Chrissy said I texted her too much yesterday and it annoyed her, so I am going to show her love by giving her the space she desires. I will wait for her to reach out to me. I will continue the Dares and I pray constantly for wisdom and patience to continue this walk and to make the right choices. To be the man GOD wants me to be, and hopefully that man will be someone my wife wants to be with one day.

    GOD Bless you guys for walking along side me because I often feel very alone. I know Christ is with me...I really do, but I struggle and the words of encourangement keep me from thinking I am crazy for continuing this fight.

    Bryan

  • Leave her alone. Only do the dares and as they are intended without your manipulation... Remember this journey is you and Christ period. You must allow Christ to mold you through these dares, this is where His glory shines in you. That is the only way she will trust in the changes, other than that in her mind it will be a con. In fact, for a while even Chirst shining in you will be a con to her, she will not trust it. But there will be a point where that will change. But only if you allow Christ to mold you in His image.

  • Yep, keep your focus on Christ, and looking for His way to do the dares.  Pray on them daily.

    She asked you not to text, well you can sure do that.  In fact, you might be surprised at her response when you take your focus off of her and put it on Christ!

    You say she hasnt dealt with your affair.  Did you help her deal with it?  Were you truly repentant?

    I only ask, because in my situation, when my wife had an affair and we got back together, she was hardly repentant (I didnt get an apology until I asked for one), she didnt open up to the reasons why it started, the ways she kept it secret, etc.........she wanted me to "get over it" within a matter of days/months......I've read places that when there is an affair, it can easily take up to and over 5 years to heal from it.  Please be patient with your wife in this area.  

    Also, sometimes people hold onto things in order to justify their current actions...so this could be it as well......

  • Jason...I was and am very repentant and tunrned my entire life around after my affair. I did the Love Dare back then and it worked! She said it turned me into a wuss.  She said she did nothing wrong in her affair and the only thing she regrets is not waiting until we were seperated. She has alos told me to just get over hers and she never wants to talk about it again.  She said she is done with us and that is why she did it.  She said the guy she had the affair with is funny and makes her feel good and all I have ever done is make her cry.  

    I am being as patient as I can be......but I feel panic when she is telling everyone that as soon as she finds a job she is throwing me out!  Part of me wants to dig in and tell her if she wants a divorce she can move out....but I know that will start a war.....

    Sean...you are my voice of reason. I try to let go...it's so scary! I feel like I am watching her walk out of my life forever. She cusses like a sailor I mean the F bombs are constant , and now in front of our children.  I feel like I don't even know her anymore! I am making the choice to love her...but I have to be honest, I don't like her very much right now.

  • There is no need to leave your own home, is there?  How can she throw you out?  I moved out, and knowing what I know now, I never should have moved.

    Dont be scared of her getting a job.  It would probably be a good thing for her.

    Also, when you really seek Christ, you have no reason to fear anything when you know you are in His will.

    WIth your last statement to Sean, I understand fully where you are coming from.  My wife has been that person in the last few weeks more than ever.  Almost been like a gradual build since I started the dares.  Heres the kicker, you made the choice to love.  So, these are the moments when your love is tested.  You dont have to be a "wuss" and give in to her outrageous demands, just keep relying on Christ to give you the strength to stand.  

    Something to really chew on.....we are called on to love the unloveable.  Will there be a point where you decide not to love anymore based upon the actions/words of another?

  • I would love to say I can follow Chirst's example and love her like He loves us....even whe we spit in His face and don't love Him back.....but it's getting hard.  

    She makes mean hurtful comments.  We were working on a project Saturday night and she stops and looks at me and says " Are you still going to come over and help me put Christmas presents together for the kids on Christmas Eve so they can have presents on Christmas morning?  What the heck is that? Why say that out of nowhere? What is the reason?

    Then she tells me yesterday she never wants to get married again just have boyfriends she dates and has sex with. She has told me always that sex is very emotional for her...but now casual sex appeals to her!!! Is this who my wife has become? Is she trying to hurt me?  Why is she doing this? Why does she seek to cause me heartache and pain!!!!!

    Every time I get myself a little pulled together and doing well she "kicks" me in the gut as hard as she can!  

  • Not an accident Jason...... I am reading day 20 RIGHT NOW!!!!!! GOD is GOOD! I am going to love her. That doesn't mean I am expecting her to love me back. Even when she doesn't deserve it I am going to love her, because thats how Christ loves us!!!!

    It is still hard................................................

  • I remember my first day 20.  Very emotional day on my knees for alot of it.  I love that dare.

    Its not what she says to you that makes this hard.  Its what you do with what is said to you.  How you respond, how your emotions are, how you react.  

    Christ is showing you something through your wife.  It could possibly be that you are focusing on her and not on Him.

    Her asking about Christmas is because she cant imagine you not being there.  

    The other stuff about sex is just to get response out of you.  I would bet she can tell how those comments affect you, and she says them to get the intended response.  This is why reliance on Christ for ALL your needs is so important.  He is trying to show you that you dont need your wife to meet any of your needs, you choose her as the recipient of your love.

    But you can praise God if she is serious about never marrying another!  

  • Thanks Jason! Yeah...I am not a very good poler player LOL...I am sure my face shows shock and hurt every time she says hurtful things. We had a very good therapy session yesterday. Not because she said she is hopeful or wants to save us....but because we talked with eachother and not at eachother. I hate hearing she doesn't want us and is not willing to fight for us yesterday. I told her I don't agree or like it but I accept where she is.  She started to cry, I think she appreciates the fact that I am trying to meet her where she is and not just try to convince her to stay. We are so blessed to have a good therapist who is building trust with my wife, so that she can open up.

    I am on to day 21 now (Because of work I don't always get to do a dare every day)

    I find myself praying for GOD's peace every night just to fall asleep, I con't get the images out of my head of her with him.  Duriing the day I am ok....but at bedtime...forget about it! Thats when all the questions rush in to my head.  I do not ask....I do not even let her know the best I can. I will not burden her with my battle.  I have told her I forgive her and that means not throwing it in her face.

    I will concentrate to refocussing on GOD and when I am in a bad place seek HIM!

    I still believe this is going to work...I know it's about GOD and I but I have this overwheling feeling that my wife and I are going to make it!

    "Faith as small as a mustard seed" right?  I  can't be affraid to look like a fool.....I have to live like it's already won!

    I think I read you are a veteran? I am former USAF...Thanks for your service! I am so proud of my service, but also regret it...the time away from home, my wife and kids...the things I saw have done severe damage to my wife, children, my marriage, and me......

    Have a blessed day!

    Bryan

  • When you can truly let go of your wife and let her be with Christ, is when you will find the most peace in your situation.

    You can do a dare every day.  You would be surprised at how Christ works in the situations where we do not think its possible to do a dare.  For me, sometimes the dares have just lined up absolutely perfectly where on days that I couldnt contact my wife, I didnt need to ;-).

    Seek Him more than just in bad places.  Seek Him in ALL situations.  When you can see Him in the good, it becomes easier to find Him in the bad.

    And yep I am a veteran, did about 8 years in the Navy.  Thanks for your service as well.

  • Amen....Last night I made myself less "available" and gave her space by laying on the couch downstairs and watching the football game. I never thought it in a million years but she came downstairs to see where I was and what I was doing.... She said she was looking all over for me.  This from the woman who constantly pounds me over the head that she doesn't care...she is done...she has no feelings for me.  I was also looking at my Facebook on my phone and she asked what I was looking at...who I was talking to. ( I was reading an article about a Deputy Sheriff that was killed).  

    Her actions are not matching her words.  I am not going to get excited but I am so thankful to GOD for letting me experience that moment.

    She was very sweet this morning...it's like she takes all day to get herself good and mad at me...but in the morning I get the real her and she hasn't had a chance to get her guard up yet....

    I am staying prayerful...but realizing my happiness is not dependant on her! I am focussing on GOD, me, and my two beautiful children!!!!

    Have a Blessed Day!

  • Praise God for that day!  See how the blessings come when you stop looking towards your wife and instead look towards Christ?

    My wife has done the same at times.  In fact the other day I was accused of having a girlfriend.  They wrestle with our change, and do not believe it to be true at first.  After its believed, they are wrestling with their own conviction for what they are doing, then they try to get us to revert back to the old people we once were to justify their continued actions.  Keep this close when she does these things.

    God bless you guys ;-).

  • WOW you nailed it...I feel at times she tries to make me get angry or hurt so that it is ok in her eyes to feel like she does...or to talk to her "Boyfirend."

    It is so nice to not be the only one going through this...Cause it often feels that way.

    Have a great weekend!

  • The more you become of Christ and allow Him to mold you in His image the more she will need to justify her void.

  • So now she learned that she can file a lawsuit on the woman I had the affair with 4 years ago for "Allienation of Affection." She said she is gonna clean her out.  Told me that she is not going to struggle while that woman lives her life.  I told my wife she doesn't have to struggle....and that she is making a choice to struggle. She told me..."You made that choice easy!" Talk about a punch in the gut!  I find it funny because I was going to contact the internal affairs unit of my wifes boyfriend to file a complaint because they were co-workers and a lot of this innapropriate contact was going on at work and she cried and begged me not to do that....now she is gonna do this?   Please tell me I am not crazy for thinking she has lost her mind....Makes it obvious to me she has very strong feelings for this guy!!!!!!

    I have been praying for strength to endure these attacks...this "abuse" it is getting harder to tolerate her irrational behavior....Someone please agree with me in prayer for strength to stand tall and make good Godly decisions....I want to call her out on what I just wrote but I do not feel anything will be gained.. But do I let her get a "free Pass" on her affair and to act any way she wants....and to say anything she wants?  

    Please Holy Spriit convict her TODAY of her actions and words! Please touch her heart....let YOUR will be done in our lives.....

    AMEN!

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