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Re: Day 3 and she is trying as hard as she can to "Hurt me"

Day 3 and she is trying as hard as she can to "Hurt me"

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  • See thats the thing about this.  You cant control your wife's actions and words.  You can only control your actions and words.  

    If you have chosen to forgive your wife for her affair already, then you leave the judgement and punishment up to God.  To me, using the words "free pass" indicate that by not "punishing" your wife, that you are letting her get away with it.  Far from the truth.  You are simply leaving the punishment up to God.

    You dont have to trust your wife, especially if she is still trapped by the sin, but forgiveness will give you the capacity to love her more.

    Just about everyone's spouses on here seem to be a bit nutty.  There is alot to be said when God puts His hands onto peoples lives and they choose not to listen.  My own personal belief is that He is putting a tremendous amount of pressure on our spouses to do what they are supposed to do, and they are caught in the tug of war between the enemy and Him.  It is only when they break and start obeying the King that you will start to see who they used to be back in their eyes.

  • First thing is this... When you pray, pray for Gods will in her life. That's it, nothing more right now. Your prayers are selfish when it comes to her. You are not praying for her you are praying for you. So right now just pray for Gods will in her life and of course pray for that in your life as well. This may not make sense right now, but it will.

    Second. Don't worry about the situation with the other woman. And most especially do not look at this situation as a tit for tat. Leave the threats alone and focus on Christ and your dares. Only Christ can make the changes not you.

    The worldly beliefs on how to deal with these situations are based on hurt pride, when you change to do as Christ wants you to do blessing prevail.

  • Thanks guys! I needed a little tough love! I get in a good place at times but as you can see I sometimes take a step back.  I am trying to let would be so much easier if she was even tuned in a little bit to The LORD. She doesn't want to hear anything positive and shuts everyone out of her life who tells her that she needs to work on fixing this marriage. She only wants her girlfriends who tell her she is right to feel like she does.  

    I know I can't control this...I am working so hard at that as my biggest shortcoming....

    Thanks for being here and thanks for telling me how it is.

  • Well....last night went either really....really bad or is the start of a turn around.  I have been struggling with the fact that my wife has been saying for over a month that when she gets a job I am moving out of the house. Well, last night she started with it again and I  had enough and told her I was not going anywhere! I told her our house was a family home for all of us.  I told her that I am not leaving my home and my kids are not leaving our home. If she wants a divorce and not be part of the team then she was going to have to leave.

    She told me fine but she wasn't going alone (meaning she was taking the kids) I told her my kids are not leaving our home!

    That was a 1AM and we have not spoken since.

    I reinforced that I love her and I want her and only her but I was not going to be leave a home or marriage that I have no desire to be out of.

    I am finding a balance between expressing love for her while not being a doormat and being pushed around.

    I pray for her safety and clarity of mind as she makes the biggest decision of her life!

  • Don't get caught up in the game of the flesh. Be to the point and when you a be kind, be loving, be a testimony of Christ in your heart.

  • I am broken.... She wants to seperate....I am starting to feel like I can't go on. I feel like maybe the only chance we have is to seperate.  Maybe she needs to really feel what it will be like alone. But I can't stop loving her. I can't turn off my feelings. I am so confused, everything is so loud in my head I can't hear GOD right now. I can not feel HIM.  I am getting really scared.  My inner peace has left me. My mind is running non stop now. I can not get the thoughts and images of them together out of my mind and it is making me crazy!  I can't sleep, I can't concentrate at work.

  • My wife cried yesterday begging me to let her go...she kept saying it will be easier if you just let me go.  I told her I can not turn off my love for her. I told her I will continue to love and honor her.  I am so confused. Trying to see GOD's will in all of this. she is really angry and bitter today. Saying we are not going to be living in our new house much longer.

    Her parents came over Saturday and told both of us if this is what she really wants we need to sell the house and go our seperate ways.  

  • Last night was very "Cold" she is working so hard to shut me out of her life.  She said everything I say and do annoys her.  I am begining to think my wife hates me! I also have a gut feeling she is still seeing the other man.... I know I can not control this, but I feel like such a doormat.  I have been loosing my edge and I know that is not helping me.  She lets me give her a massage every night before bed.....and it is really something I enjoy doing.  It is so nice just to touch her and feel her skin..... She shows no affection at all as I said she in fact is getting colder and nastier by the day.  I am continuing the dares.

  • we spoke on the phone today and she was very angry...I told her if this is what she wants we need to sell the house but i will not leave.  She was furious saying it's always about me and what I want and that I am being selfish! She cried and cussed at me.  She said she and the kids should keep the house and I should move out.... I don't get it, I don't want a divorce, I don't want this and she is screaming I am selfish and I should leave my wife, my family, and my house and give it over to her? I make 50k a year she doesn't work and we barely make the bills as it is......I am begining to think she has some mental issues!!!!! She is not living in reality!

  • We had a very in depth conversation about the difficulites with divorce....emothionally and financially. My wife called me an M'fr and said she hates m! She said she wants this over now...that she can not stand me. I did not bite and stayed calm...did not raise my voice.  She calmed down and I gave her a full body rub down and we ended up making love... I don't get it....yesterday she told me she is going out this weekend....scares me so much! Last time she went out she went to his house! Before she went to bed she gave me the biggest hug she has given me in a long time.....

    I am trying not to ride this roller coaster with her but it is hard to not let my emotions go with her on this ride.

    I pray for strength as she goes back into the workd this weekend where I am sure she is going to be with him again! How do I keep my inner peace knowing what she is doing? How do I stay calm when she is giving herself to another man?

  • Message me your email... There is so much I need to discuss with you it is impossible to do on here,

  • Hello everyone.  i'm new here and have been reading bwaser's journey with interest as i am learning a lot for my own self.  but he hasnt posted since September.

    i am interested to know how it all turned out for him.  i was also feeling his pain. so much.

    Does anyone have an update?  Bwaser, i was loearning from you.

    Bless you all.

  • Honestly I do not recall. But what about your journey?

  • Wow, long story.  So much.  I am married 17 years.  Been rocky is an understatement.  There has always been issues.  We are known to have always had issues.

    I've sensed for many years now that he's been playing with fire.  We had an instance once, where he admitted to kissing a girl at work whom he'd fallen in love with.  But he couldn't go through with the relationship because he knew i didn't deserve that. But angry at me for all my flaws and mistakes.  Ok, so that was traumatic for me; but the Lord took me through. We got back ont rack.  Let's just say, that I can safely say that I have been really trying in this relationship.  Always felt like I'm the one who wants it, always the one trying to make things work.  It's always been my fault; I'm messing up so he can't help but withdraw from em and put up walls.  It has come to the point where I believe that he has been wanting freedom to do things and has been using anything he can to prove that ït's not his fault", you know, 'if it weren't for that crappy wife".  Yet, i've been putting up with so much (think about it, what kind of attitude one would have to put up with, if that's the way te person thinks about his marriage).

    Update is that a few months ago, something happened where I really felt it was the last straw. I blew it. I told him in no uncertain terms how i felt.  He'd done something for me, but that same person turned around and did something so cold towards me it was unbelievable; so I told him straight that none of these lovely gestures mean anything if he can be that way and that I was tired, so he could keep what he'd just done, because this latter situation is where the true love is proven, not in the materialistic things...he used that situation to tell me the following day that "I just want you to know that I ahve officially ended this relationship".  And proceeded to move on my dear, right under my nose.

    I suffered those months; much like the previous time.  But I did see how far the Lord had taken me. I was stronger, wiser. But the grief was excruciating.  Anyway, I kept praying and asking the Lord what he wanted me to do. I felt to go back and apologise for having rejected the good deed he'd done, regardless of what he turned around and did afterward. (God's ways are not our ways.)  And I had moved out for almost two months by then as well, so I felt led to go back and start trying again.  So i did.  

    Didn't like his arrogant response. He is still holding a stance of "I did what I had to do".  No remorse; just matter of fact statemetns that we have to talk seriously about where we go from here, still dominating the conversation.  SO i've been patient.

    Now an incident happened whereby I found out inadvertentlly that he'd had my teenage cousin to rub his medication on his back.  I flipped because that is unacceptable.  I've found over the years that he's had "indiscretions" with minors (in their early teens).  I've lived in denial for so long, thinking i was married to a Christian who is seen in the eyes of society as a man of integrity.  I have warned him about some signs that i found he shoul dbe more cautious about; he brushed me off and told me i was creating things in my mind.  Really cold.  So now that i've been seeing him getting close to my cousin (she coms home really often these days to use the computer.  Sometimes i come home and find her alone on the computer and him on the couch; and that is not healthy to have a young girl in a secluded house with a man (especially one who has been unfaithful and has had rumours about him and his youth (kids under his authority).

    So I told him we needed to talk about it.  I cautioned him about it.  When i was done, he brushed that off and moved on to another issue. He spoke very defensively about all the things he knew he'd done; dispicable things (but he never uses the words, so to date, I only have intuition and can put my two and two together). however he is just wondering whether I will be his friend when he has to face the music.  He knows he has to pay the price,teh Lord is already dealing with him, and he will go through no matter what people say.  Etc.  However I'ms aying the tone has only been defensive - saying the right things, but in a self-defensive way, so really there is no remorse, or even if there is, he's not letting it have its full way.  he is still fighting and putting up a front.  then he says that the girl is my cousin so be careful what people will say of me if i no longer want her to come to the house, you know, that it will look bad on me as her own cousin.  I tried to talk, but when he dominates the conversation like that it's either I just keep quiet and commit things to the Lord.  becuase he creates the atmosphere that if i were to assert anything he will rise up in anger and prematurely end the conversation. It happens allt he time.  So he always dominates the conversation, states all what he wants to see, gives some semblance to a two-way converstation for appearance's sake, but he has the final word in everything. Hardly ever apologises - he is always the victim, and will not put up with this or that.  it ends with me still trying to get a word in, to bring balance, or to state my case; but he shuts the conversation down so it ends with tension. ""In the interest of the relationship, i suggest we kill it here" kinda thing.  Very intense and volatile at that point, so i have no choice.

    So this is how our last conversation ended.  I fell so hurt because he is manipulating the siatuion when he knows he is about to face his storm for all those years of rebellion.  At a stage like this why still manipulate your wife; why still be defensive; why still send her on a guilt trip and tell her, "are you my friend?  Will you be there when they come for me?" I don't even know half the stories. he is not prepared to divulge.  He speaks in parables.  He also lies alot, so some of the accusations that sound very much like I know about people who are out to get him etc, I don't believe them.  he makes up stories about things he is going through and people who have done this or that and that he knows their agenda, but he is patiently taking it..kind of stories.  I'm totally lost cause i know I'm not involved in anything.  So you see it's a whole lot of disgusting stuff and here I am still trying to be patient an dloving. I'm the only friend he has so why can't he be thankful and humble and be quick to let God cleanse him instead of still fighting.  I'm the one who will (now i"m thinking "might") be there whent he *** hits the fan.  All his ungodly friends - will they stick by him when his public indiscretions come out.  From what he is saying, it seems to be looming closer. He alone knows the havoc he's created in his secret life.  A man who is a public figure.  

    So, it is hard to do this dare.  Because it is frustrating, i can angry at being used, at the nerve of him.  So, i'm just here trying; not doing anything really specific, but he knws I love him and my just still being there is proof enough. Ithink his pride still wont let him admit it; so he challenges it as if to make me feel that I"m not genuine.  The nerve.  When you know the judgement of God is finally upon you after all those years of heartache and heartlessness you put me through; disgraced me, scandalized my name, made people think I was the worst. And still at this late stage you are playing with my mind; standing strong as if you are the victim.

    So my issue now is really about holding my peace, maintaining a smile. Just don't know how to react. Between yesterday and today my expression has been showing that I am not taking it lying down. My face says, Ï'm not impressed; not buying the charade".  But he is still playing victim; so i know i can't continue because he will turn up the intensity. there goes the manipulation again.  He never pulls back and looks within; he'll turn up the heat; until i finally dont show any disapproval in my reaction.

    Please pray for me.

  • My question is this. Do yu have the book? If you do read in the appendix about leading the heart. Then check out the prayer guidance. If you don't have the book, get it.

    This journey (the dare) is one between you and Christ, not you and your husband. Your husband is a tool that is used in the dares so that you can depend only on Christ and do the dares as they are intended trusting Christ in each one to do them without any manipulation on your part.

    You see many things in this relationship and you are trying to control it as much as he is. You need to leave those things to Christ and focus on your relationship with Christ. Through your testimony as you grow in Christ is what will reflect conviction on him.

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