I was excited about this dare. I have known for a while that I wanted to get him some flowers like I had done many years ago when we first started dating. He even mentioned them recently. It felt so good to order the flowers. Here's where the selfishness comes in. I was disappointed he sent me a text to thank me instead of calling me. And then when he did call it was about something else. No mention of the flowers. I know that's not the point of the dare. BUT I also know I have an issue when people are not appreciative of things I do for them. I'm trying to let that go. Don't have expectations. Don't expect anything in return. DO IT solely because I love him. I'm going to get him his favorite candy bar that's something else I know he will like. I do love this feeling of doing something nice for him. I need to just focus on that. Nothing else. I thank GOD for his strength in helping me with these dares. I'm finding that I am more aware with each dare of what is being asked.
This evening was a disaster. We argued and I couldn't help but feel so irritated that he said NOTHING to me about the flowers when he saw me. I am selfish. There is so much hurt and anger and bitterness. it feels insurmountable at times. I can't stay in this place because it is destroying me. We are both destroying each other. I'm trying to pick back up with the dare and not have the entire day go to waste. I feel so heartbroken and just want some peace and healing for my heart and soul again.
The night ended on a good note. Thank GOD! He thanked me for the lovely flowers and said they made his day. He also loved his chocolate candy I got him. It feels good yet I know it's selfish. I hope God will help me turn away from this selfishness. I don't want to be selfish. I know there is no room for this in unconditional love. I will keep trying to do nice things without any expectation or appreciation. How true and pure giving should be done.
When we desire so much from others, it is because we are not focused on Christs love for us. When you love Christ first, all your needs are fulfilled, including those appreciation response issues. Without Christs love, we will always be empty and desire the worldly things....
So love Christ first, to love others better.
Praise God.... These are all parts of this journey... If you were able to do the walk and the journey without it, you would have already. I know it does not seem like it, but I assure you, there is a blessing in all this.
As the dares go on, more and more will open up. It stinks it has to be 1 day at a time. But trust me, that is the only way to do it.
And I have to tell you one more thing. You are holding him hostage on your assumption of your own ways to show love. That is not fair.
You think, if he would have gotten me flowers I would have done this or that. But what if during his upbringing, he was taught to show love ONLY in a certain way where it was more physical, not verbal?
During this journey, you not only need to focus on the daily dares, but look at where your selfishness holds him hostage. You will be amazed at some things you will come to realize.
There is another way to look at selfishness in this situation. Be selfish enough that you want to please him because anything and everything you do effects you both because of Christs intent on oneness.
Sean so interesting you mentioned his upbringing and physical vs verbal. We argued about that. I said it felt like he has not shown me he loves me. He stated all the things he does for me on a daily basis that are a gesture of love. Making my coffee, taking me to work, picking me up, making dinner. I told him he's right those are signs of love.....he's meeting my basic needs. I told him later that he has doing all those things while he was having an affair. I said I needed more from him and I deserved more. I'm realizing he might be too empty and broken and that might be the best he can give me right now. I'm trying to make him pay for what he did but he has nothing to pay me with. He can never repay me.
I get stuck in my expectations of what I wish he would do or not do. I'm a control freak and because he had this affair I think I'm justified in what I say and do. I know in my heart it's not right to go off on him. It just sucks. I'm tired of feeling tormented, anguish and hurt. I just want some peace but I know the only way to do that is to lead my heart not follow it. Oh well one minute at a time.
My problem is I take every chance to remind him of what he did. Then it leads to arguing, yelling, screaming, crying, anger, hurt, etc. I'm trying to very hard not to bring up the affair or use it as a way to get him. It's hard. BUT I'm learning that I must forgive and let go of it. I must focus on GOD because he's the only one who can fulfill all my needs. I get it all mentally I think but my heart fights it cuz it's so broken. I know I must walk the walk not just talk the talk.
I hope what I am about to say comes very clear to you... But I also want you to know that I am not being a jerk or sticking up for him or even condoning what he did. What I am going to say here has really nothing to do with him, it has to do with you and Christ.....
What right do you have to do all those things to your husband and not forgive , but yet, you are trying to walk with Christ and expect Christ to forgive you for each and everything you have done to Christ Himself....
God has wired us with a sense of pride... And like everything else God has blessed us with, we abuse and corrupt it.
Christ is going to mould you each and everyday... And when He needs you to notice things, and if you are prepared to listen, you will get a lot out of situations you are in each day...
When learning to love unconditionally, you are not justified in these kinds of things. You really need to think about what unconditional love is... What kindness really is. It is then you will realize what selfishness is, and how it is like a cancer in your body...
But Christ has you in His hands... That will change.
Sean. I look forward to your replies and honesty every morning. I know you are not justifying what he did. You are holding me accountable for my actions and what GOD expects from me regardless of what has happened to me.
I have no right at all to not forgive my husband when Christ forgives me all the time for everything without any questions and without ever throwing it back in my face. Something I do quite well to my husband.
I'm learning each and every day. I know I will get through this because I have GOD with me.
Here is the greatest thing about your journey. Your husband had an affair, and most people would have been gone. But you stuck it out, with every Biblical right not to...
Do you realize how humbling that is? And if you can be that humble to worldly standards, just imagine how humble you can be in this journey walking with Christ. The testimony that you have already started to become is amazing, and you have just started.
And when it comes to the point of forgiveness. You are close. and as you will see soon, the dare will point that out.
Thanks for saying this. I have stuck it out and it's been a nightmare because he did not end the affair and kept lying and deceiving me this entire year. I thank GOD I am where I am today so I can be on this journey and become a better person. I want to LOVE GOD first and also love myself so I can love others better.
I'm trying to forgive. Some tell me that forgiveness means not bringing up the hurt or event again. I find though that there are things we discuss about the affair. Before I would throw it in his face and now we are able to talk about details of the affair. What does GOD want me to do? Not ever bring it up? I don't think that's possible. I know GOD doesn't want me to be evil, mean or viscous about it. GOD does not condemn me for all my sins so I have no right to be awful to my husband. So hard sometimes. BUT I'm hopeful that I'm making changes and baby steps towards treating him with love and forgiveness. I know I have to treat him like I want to be treated. Something I have failed at miserably before. BUT now that's starting to change little by little.
I feel like a death occurred inside of me that will never recover. Is that crazy? A part of me feels dead in my heart because of what he did. I know I cannot focus on that I must move on and try to give all these feelings to GOD. I can't help but play back various times this year and try to piece if that was a time he was with her. YUCK. OK so my focus needs to be on this journey with Christ. I know I will come out of this a better person because of GOD's grace and love.
in this journey you will learn many things. And I am sure you cannot see it now. But, Christ is building you to be His testimony.
You are going to be the one that shows your husband, UNCONDITIONAL love, kindness, unselfish, and so much more. But most importantly, when your husbands convictions come to a head, he will want what you have... It will be you that leads him to find it through Christ.
I hope so Sean. That's what I'm praying for but ultimately yeah I will come out of this an incredible person because I will know how to love unconditionally and I will be closer then ever to GOD.
And you know whats funny. When this first started you probably prayed once or twice for it to go back to the way it was...
Soon you will see, that if it is ever like it was, you will know there was a problem!
NO Sean...I never wanted it to go back to the way it was.....cuz things were messed up then and they just got worse from there.
Yeah I think it was probably all inevitable. Wished to GOD it didn't happen but then again I needed it to happen so I could be on this journey and love GOD first. I needed to take this journey with Christ desperately.