I started my love dares 4 days ago. My marriage is shaky. My husband had an affair which began as an emotional affair over the phone and internet. It then ended as a physical affair. The other woman is from another country so she flew to my country to have their 5 days of forbidden love. They tried to hide all the evidence but God revealed everything. Anyway I found out abt the affair whilst it was still an EA. My husband chose not to end it but take it more underground. The PA happened 2 months after I found out. When the PA happened I chucked him out of our home.
He had nowhere to go as we live in a foreign land. At first he stayed with his friends and then he moved into a hotel. After a week I called him back. That was in November 2010. Things have never been good. We have had a few good times but most times the atmosphere is strained and we fighting.
We have both expressed that we want to call it quits. Him more than me. I only said I was gonna call it quits after realising that he was not serious about us making it together. He never apologised and says what I did after I found out abt the affair makes him not apologise. i.e when I chucked him out I told our relatives everything that had happened. At that moment I was just so fed up with him as he had lied that he wanted some alone time to figure things out when in effect he had gone to make his EA a PE with another man's wife. And i think he blames me for the break up coz I told the OW'S friends about the affair (On facebook). It's a long story. That made the affair end as she had been shamed and she actually dumped my husband. Sometimes I think he blames for the break up and hates me for it. Truly speaking he has never much shown any remorse or care how I feel.
He doesn't see what he did as beeing all that wrong, if anything he is just full of pride and hurtful words. I usually retaliate telling him he had an adulterous relationship with a married woman. He could care less and says he doesn't regret what he did and there is no more love between us, anyway he says the marriage is over anyway. We have been married 6 yrs and have a 1 yr old son. It hurts me to have our son having to go thru our divorce and growing up without a proper faamily.
So I always say to him if he really feels our marriage is over then maybe he just should move out rather than us staying together and always fighting. He doesn't want. He always says he would move end of month but come end of month he is still around.
So yesterday on my Dare 3 I decided to give him my FORGIVENESS. I called him at work and told him I wanted to talk with him. Later at home we spoke without fighting at all. I told him that though he never apologised I was gonna forgive him anyway. I also asked him to forgive me for everything I did. Anyway he said it's fine but he still didn't think our marriage had a chance. I told him I was committed towards working our relationship and taking a new leaf. But if he really felt he wanted out, it would be fine with me coz I wasn't going to beg or force him to stay in a relationship he didn't want.
As much as I want to do the love dare some times I wonder if I should coz he is the kind who likes pursuing. I f I am all nice and doing nice things to him he thinks I am beeing desperate or something. But when I am cold and showing an attitude of 'Icould care less', he tries to pursue me in subtle ways. So I am wondering if I should continue. He really says nasty things sometimes.
First... These dares you must realize are a journey with you and Christ. Not you and your husband. These dares will teach you to be humble... Allow Christ to mold you in these 40 days. Take the time today to read the entire appendix. Including about leading your heart.
As for your husband. His guilt will make him try to justify in his mind what he has done. If you trust Christ. Then do what the dares say to do, but make sure you understand them completely.
The forgiveness for dare 2. Doing something else. You are not ready to forgive. In fact there is a process to forgive... You will get there soon enough. I am sure you have not completely forgiven. That was probably more of a manipulation of trying to get a good response to know where you stand... Becareful of things like that. When you manipulate to get responses that is not trusting Christ.
Thanks Sean. I do realise that part, that these days are between me and christ. It's only that sometimes I feel a little burnt out or trying too hard on someone who coould care less. But I have resolved to always remember that the dares are between me and christ.
My husband goes to church. Infact we go to church together. At my church right now we are having fasts and prayers. He did a ten day fast and I am doing a 21 day fast. I wonder though if one of his prayer points is praying for our marriage and for his complete forgiveness. Anyway that's between him and God. When I found out about the affair I din't want to continue with marriage. After help from others I decided to stand in the gap for him and our marriage. It was extremely hard esp since I could see my husbands ongoing affair (though he tried to hide it). He was just unplesant, cold and cruel. But I continued praying. When the affair became a PA, I ceased praying. He then started insulting me about my prayer life and my relationship with christ. He felt I was more closer to God. It didn't please him. He said I was beeing a hypocrite. Why was I running to God. And said I had no business praying for him. Anyway I told him that only the Lord knows how sincere I am with him and I answer to him only. I wasn't getting closer to God for man's approval (least of all his) but for God. I told him only Satan gets angry when someone gets closer to God. And besides I told him it's better for me to run to christ rather than rely on my own thinking or plan revenge. As it is he chose not to run to christ when he was in need but he ran to another man's wife.
Sometimes I think he denys God on another level and accepts him on another level. (He is the type who never miss a Sunday Service) Even when he was in the heat of his affair. But he hears the word and completely ignores it. I rember there were a couple of weeks our preacher was preaching abt temptation even highlighting the dangers of adultery in those days. He obviously ignoed and said God I can do this by myself, I dont need u. His excuse....I am/was in love, and I know what I am doing. I think he needs God mainly for financial gain (blessings) rather than for his soul. Right now he has a well paying job and evrything seem alright with him (beside our marriage) So he feels he is alright and God will not punish him.
But then the Bible warns us that there will be people with a form of Godliness but who deny it's power. I am praying that one day he will truly meet God and accept him and comee to true repentance.
About forgiving him, I did it not to try to manipulate him as such but :
1. To be right with God
2. To be right with myself. Dont want to be held back coz of unforgiveness that can grow to bitterness. Yes it's not easy but with the grace of God I feel he will help me.
I took that step to help me grow spiritually and it is something I had decided and felt the Lord prompting me to do, even before I decided to take the dares.
Part of the reason I decided to do the dares was to try to change me, and see a change in my spouse after he saw a change in me. If that doesn't happen I am fine with it and realise that either way God is in control. Kinda I felt maybe I didn't do enough for my marriage. Maybe if I made some changes with God on my side I would stand knowing that either
1. My marriage worked coz I was willing to let God change me and I gave it my all. (Compared to the fighting that we had been constantly engaging in)
2. My marriage did not work but I gave it my best shot and at the end of my dars get to be a better person.
As you continue this journey you will see that your husband is just a tool that Christ uses to help mold you in His image. The dares will place you in situations that will humble you, that will require you to overcome your self and trust Christ completely.
Christ is preparing you for what is about to happen to your husband. When the wake up call happens, someone will need to be that testimony for your husband. I am sure it is you.
And remember, we have a jealous God. His son Jesus Christ MUST come first. Above your husband, or anything else.
As your husband is being deceived by following his heart, you have chose to lead yours. That will be a serious testimony to your husband. Hand it over to Christ. There is nothing you can do to him that will make the situation better.