Today was an extremely sad and emotional day, but at the same time I feel more inspired and full of love than ever before.
Today I was dared to pray for my wife, tell her I love her, show my love in a tangible way, and pray for her again and thank God for the opportunity to love her. A very loaded dare. Especially on the day my wife moved out. But yet, I find it appropriate for today.
What better day to humble me and make me realize how truly blessed I am to love this woman, than on the day she leaves me? What better day to offer my love to her, unsolicited than the day she packs up her car?
I'll admit, today was hard. I cried. But at the same time I feel good. I know the loneliness of being in a big house by myself will set in, but that's when I'll turn to God for support. With him I'm never alone.
I helped my wife move. I have a truck, so I felt it was the right thing to do. It provided us an opportunity to spend some time together as well. We even laughed and joked while moving her bed. Saying "I love you" was easy. I've been saying it to her every day throughout the dare. For the tangible act of love, I suppose moving could have satisfied that part of the dare. She even asked, "Do you want to help me?" I said, "Not really, but I will."
In addition I did give her a small gift. A willow tree angel plaque of a child hugging what looks like a chocolate lab. It looks so much like how she hugs our dog (a chocolate lab). I saw it a month ago while shopping for a gift on Day 3 and instantly thought of her and bought it. It seemed to be too much for Day 3, so I held onto it and gave her something else. But I could never find the right opportunity to give it to her. I told her it was a house warming present and to open it when I was gone. I don't know how it was received, but I hope she likes it.
While reflecting on today's dare, I realized how special my wife is. I realized I have always loved her. Unfortunately, I never understood "how" to love her. I never understood the power of Christ and how through him, and loving him, only then can one truly love another. It took me far too long to realize this. And for that I am humbled and ashamed. But without her, I'm not sure if I would be in my relationship with Him.
All to many times in our marriage, she tried to change me. Little bits took hold, here and there, but for the most part her pleas were ignored. It came way to late, but she finally did inspire me to find God and to change. She just doesn't realize it. She doesn't realize that she is the tool that molded me into what I am now. A believer.
This inspires me to stop being selfish. To stop being controlling. To stop being resistant to letting the Lord take control. This inspires me to work harder at strengthening my relationship with Him, so that I can be a testimony to my wife and those around me.
I had another talk with my counselor today. Tomorrow we meet for the first time, at our church. It'll be tough to walk through those doors, but I know it's for the right reasons. I think he was surprised to find out that I was on Day 29. He said we'll discuss it in our session, but if my wife has noted change (which she has) then I should continue doing them in addition to the work he'll be assigning me.
During our talk today, he reiterated the above statement, something Sean has said in many responses to me: "You need to work on yourself first. You need to work on your relationship with God. Only then can you work on your marriage. Change yourself and be a testimony to her that through God, all things are possible."
Let me a little clear on my statements. Work on your relationship with Christ first.... Just working on yourself without Christ, I assure you will get you no where.
Haha. Yes. Sorry, that's what I meant.