My motivation has been wrong. It has been for a long time. Though I knew in my mind that I should not seek approval/love/praise from others, that God tells us not to seek praise from men but that is exactly what I have been doing for most of my life both before an after I found Jesus. I think I had a breakthrough while I was doing this dare.
Yesterday I just felt absolutely awful. No real discernible reason why. I wasn't really thinking about this dare, but I was headed to my parents house when I felt like I really needed to turn right(not the way to my parents house). So I did, usually when I get these overwhelming feelings of "needing" to do something I try to go with it because it usually means something. As soon as I made the turn I realized where I needed to go, it was a book store. There was a Bible in there my husband had picked out but hadn't bought. So I went in and got it. Immediately I felt I had done the right thing.
I continued on my way about the night. I went to my parents, cooked dinner for all of us, my husband came over after he got off work. We stayed and visited for a couple of hours then went home. Somehow I had hurt my back(not an uncommon thing for me) I climbed into bed to rest and decided to do some extra prayer and journaling. I needed to work out what was going on in me.
During my prayer and journal writing time, I came to the conclusion that I cannot keep looking for approval from others. (yeah I know I'm slow sometimes) The only person I need approval from is my Father. When I try to fill my heart with the praise and approval of other men, it is not enough. It is just like a drug or alcohol for others, it is never enough. I have to fill myself with my Father's love. I prayed for God to remove all desire for praise from me, and to give me the burning desire to please him and only him.
It is funny how we come to realize that the ways we seek happiness in our lives is never enough. We just keep lusting after those desires. But when we come to see that if we seek out Christ and His will, all our voids will be filled by His unconditional love. And true happiness is in us.