Well, when I asked him what his greatest need was that I could help with he said there was nothing.
I then rephrased the queastion to say what his need was in general regardless of whether I could help or not.
He stil said there was nothing.
I left it at that.
Earlier in the day, I let him know that I was aware of the loan that he had taken out.
He denied any knowledge of the loan.
this just confirmed to me that we are not ready as couple to move together.
This is the time that I have to get close with God and trully leave my spouse in Gods hands.
I realised that I want to do so much for him but that God must not be in favor of all that I want to do because nothing works out.
I was going to get compensation from a bank and I told him about it. I let him know about it and that I wanted to use some of it on him so that he can apply for his citizenship. It was somthing that I wanted to get done before I travelled because i was so sad that he was not able to get the visa.
Over the weekend, I asked him if he had paid the rent. He said that he was short. I told him that I would make the payments over the next two weeks and that he could ask me for pocket money till he gets paid so that some of the bills that go from his account dont bounce.
not knowing that the next day, the door bell rings, spouse runs out and brings a woman in the house saying that she is hear to give us a loan.
Remembering that love is patient, I said nothing and they sat down to agree the loan. After a while, they step out of the house.
Curious as to what is taking spouse long to get back in, i look through the window to find them seated in the car and the lady is handing him money, from what I counted it was well over £700. Spouse exits the car and comes in the house. I have resolved that this is not my issue.
He gets in the house and starts to say, that lady was here to discuss money that he HAD borrowed. I told him that I did not want to know becuase if he wanted me to know he would have involved me from the begining. He insists and goes in to get the payment book. I told him again what i said and asked him to put himslef in my shoes. He says oh, " that I did not tell you that some one was comming over?" I kept silent and he walked away like to say, nothing I ever do is right for this woman.
Fast forward to last night when I did the dare, he asked me for money. I said that I could not give it to him. He asked why and reminded me of what I had said over the weekend that he should ask me for any pocket money that he needed. I told him that at this point, he did not need money from me.
Hr asked what I meant and that was where I told him about the money handed over to him in the car.
he denied it.
I told him all that I saw and she said that the woman was handed him the money to show him what he could have if he takes the loan.
I looked at him and asked him "who does that?"
He was adamant and insisted that he did not have any money at all. He walked away with the look on his face like, here we go again with this woman.
I refused to panic and let satan take advantage of me because this is prime territory for the arguments that we have and i ha ve come to far in the last few weeks to be ignorant of satans devices. It was hard not to want to tear him apart with my words and tear that house looking for the money. I am not doing that any more.
The other day I said that spouse wants me to be consitent. I told God that I needed wisdom on how to relate to spouse because i feel used.
I feel that God protected my heart and feeling from him today in regards to this.
He showed me that I wanted to use the money on him for my benefit not for him. He showed me for the first time that no matter what I do, I can not change spouse and neither should i adjust my life to try to do so.
I feel free, sad at the same time because helping him with the papers would be a good thing in the long run but if he is not desiring it than why should I?
If that money is not for him to get these important documents, why should I make them a priority?
Spouse has to desire it for him self.
Truth is, I never wanted to present spouse to my family the way he is. he can really put on a show for people. I did not want him to wow them, (My Family are in the USA) on ly to get back and have him sleep out and drink. I felt like it would be giving him a holiday to say, I am so pleased withj how you are treating me, I want to show you off to al my relatives in the USA that have not met you yet. I feel like this would be an endorsement for his behaviour and holding the papers was like as way of controlling the situation to say that only when you are presentable in my eyes will you be presented to my family, till then... no way.
I see how evil that thinking was.
I see now that God has better plans and a better way. He knows why he is holding back things and I believe it is because He wants to get the Glory. He wants to get the accolade and the recognition for making a way.
I am so glad that I have been rebuked and prooven wrong. I am glad that my folly has been exposed because I have been controlling and manipulating for too long.
So going back to the response spouse gave for the dare last night, with all that took place earlier that night, I did not even want to do it but I bit the bullet and did it any way. I was not really suprised at his response to be honest. I even thought the need he has right now is for me to leave him to spend this money in what ever way he wants to and yet I should still be consistent in all that I said I would do.
The thing is the offer was made based on the situation and circumstance that was presented at the time had changes. I did not feel that i t would be wise on my part to go along with sharing all that I have when spouse clearly has no intentions of sharing what he has. If i did, I would be in denial and the repercussions would have been of my own doing.
A wise woman builds her house.
I did not argue with him about it but as one of my resolutions to the love dare, I took it to God in prayer and just had to trust that the prayer was more than I could ever say. I had to fight and even till this morning I am believing God to work in me patience and longsuffering with JOY.
I am praying for JOY unspeakable in my life because I finally see that the battle for spouses soul is not mine but it is the Lords.
I am free to run the race that is before me in Christ and I ask the Lord to give me JOY since he has given me peace from my enemie which was the inner me always wanting to be in control.
I decreed over my life last night, that as it was for Isaiah in Isaiah 6:1 that states, "In the Year King Uzziad died, I saw the Lord ......" I decreed that in the year, I (NAME) died to self, I Saw the Lord, In the Year I (NAME) died to being controlling I saw the Lord. I prayed the prayer of Jabez, and got the revelation of what that really means and it meant for the boundaries to be enlarged so that he couldl have more of the Lord. That the Lord should bless him indeed and keep evil faraway from him so that he would not cause harm. I decreed that over my self knowing that the Lords decrees over Jacob stand and are sure, so are they standing and are sure for me.
There are so many things I see in this post I will write for an hour. So with that said. Take some time and read my journals, from oldest to knewest.