I thought, talked, read the word, prayed, posted, read response, asked for guidance, slept on it & here I am. Day 27.
I am at a better place to day.I fell on my path, I picked myself up by taking God's guiding hand. I wrote my husband an e-mail this morning. I told him I forgive him for all he has done. I asked him to forgive me for my sins, after praying for Gods forgiveness.I let him know I was sorry for being to hard on him & I forgave myself for taking all the pain on myself from my past. I have given so much to Jesus, I hope he has a big bag, because I am not done unloading the trunk yet.
I understand I try to fix people, I was a fixer in our alcoholic home, I am learning to let the Lord do his work, all I really can do is cry & pray, nothing more than that. I am learning to put myself up some boundries. Good things I know God wants for me, healthy things. Boundries to let the good in & the bad out, nothing to extreme, just things I know need to be in place, like not talking to my husband while drunk. Another boundrie I am putting in place is that of the Lord being in charge, letting the good in & my controlling the situation & people, out with the bad, I think of it like a garden gate. Lots of air flowing thru the openings of the fence, keeping good in & bad out, with the gate for access. The last one is protecting my money so I can pay bills, we are overdrawn again because of money my husband took out even though I told him it was for rent. I have a mess to pick up & I feel resentfull at times because I have to clean up the mess, this time I will ask the Lord for the direction to go in, because the only one who is there who cares for me always is my Lord.
I do not expect my husband to forgive me, the wonderful thing is I feel forgiven, by God & by myself. I can feel my person growing & loving. I stumble, I fall but I am getting right back up with the Lords helping, loving hand & continuing on my path, following him wherever he leads me.
I have to add to this that I managed to find an attorney who works with military matters, who is a vet himself & who is an evangilical minister. Funny how the right people can come into our lives when we ask, listen & take the right direction. I am just seeing what I can do to protect myself, I let him know that I do not want a divorce but I do know I need to make the right decisions in this matter to make sure we can pay the bills we owe. . I do not believe God wants me to be walked on or to ecnore our past debts owed until my husband makes up his mind. I am grateful for the life God has given me, 2 beautiful boys, friends & my husband. Most importantly...knowing his love & loving me flaws & all..................
Linda, we are praying for you. And you are learning the ways, and what God has for you. Yes you will fall, but he forgives us for that. Just get back better than before...