Day 27 Forum: Love Encourages - Recent Threads

Day 67 - Love Encourages

BeckyA — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 20:31:58 GMT

It is so difficult to watch my husband struggle day after day. I keep thinking back to a sermon I heard recently called “The Promise is greater than the Problem.” I know that the reward will be amazing for my husband and for me. After having last week off work, my husband called in today. He said that he was just too tired to work. I have always respected my husband’s work ethic, and it’s difficult to see this side of him. He’s always complained about work, but went because that was his responsibility. He had a duty to fill at work, and he had bills to pay at home. I pray every day for my husband’s heart to be opened to Christ.

I’ve always expected my husband to do things on my schedule. I’m ready to move on with reconciliation… that doesn’t mean he has to be ready. I’m ready to move on with things and get out of the limbo that we’re in… he’s still fighting a war within himself. This is where I need to continue to be still. I know that I need to be that testimony for my husband.

When my daughter and I got home in the evening, my husband had been by himself most of the day. We got home to him and his dad watching a movie, and they had already eaten. I ate dinner with our daughter, and then she went off to play in her room while I cleaned for a bit. My husband seemed disappointed that everyone didn’t want to immediately spend time with him when we got home. She and I had been with people all day and just needed some alone time for a while. I let him know this, and within the hour, we both joined him in front of the TV.

I’m struggling with how much to give my husband right now. He has said that he’s felt left out of our lives for a long time and has needed our daughter and I to spend time doing what he likes to do. Right now, what he likes to do is never leave the couch and watch a lot of TV. We have a house that needs things done, and our daughter doesn’t need to spend all of her time in front of the TV. It’s not healthy for any of us. I let go as much as possible. I’ve told him my concerns, and he gets angry about it. Our daughter will only sit and watch TV if I do. When I have something else to do, he wanders around the house to see where we are and what we’re doing. The wandering doesn’t stop until he has us both in the living room with him.

Couldn't hold it all together

dust237 — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 23:26:06 GMT

After I got out of work, I picked up my son and came home. When we got home I asked my wife how her day was. After listening, I told my wife that next week was her birthday, and that I be honored to take her out to dinner. To which she responded that she didn’t think that was a good idea. I asked her why? Her reponse was that she did not want to lead me on and hurt me anymore than she already has. Because she was done. And the only reason she was still living here was because needed some time to get back on her feet so she could take care of herself and our two kids. Unable to keep my mouth shut, I told her I didn’t understand why. Sparing all the details, the conversation continued to get worse. Eventually, that night it escalated even further to us arguing over who is getting the kids and the house. All the while I kept on the fact that the only thing I was fighting for was her. To stop the fighting I finally just told her she could have it all. The following morning she could tell I was upset/depressed so she asked how I was doing and if I was mad at her. I told her no, and that I would be fine. She even still offered to make me breakfast.

Anyways, I realized that night after it all happened that I lost sight or focus on what my real goal was. And as I read the responses from the posts yesterday that thought was confirmed. Along with other mentors that I have been working with to get through this.

What I’m struggling with now is wether or not it’s to late?

Interesting

foreverlearning — Thu, 09 Aug 2012 11:52:42 GMT

I wasn't able to complete the dare with my husband, as he didn't call today. When I next talk to him though, I will.

Instead I focused the dare on my children and the people around me. It was quite an eyeopener. I didn't mention anything to my children but I stopped myself whenever I felt I was expecting to much from them. We ended up having quite a nice night out and about. I just let them be and they were happy. It's amazing how much they open up when I leave them alone and keep my mouth shut.

Question

When you place high expectations on your spouse that they don't feel internally motivated to attain, what does that tell you about yourself?

I don't trust that things will be ok, so then I try to control those around me. This shows that I'm insecure and scared.

What are some better ways to deal with these disconnects?

Leave the other person to God to sort things out. He's the only one who can. Praying would be helpful too.

Day 27

Manorahsjoy — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 09:06:00 GMT

It was a challenge to do this dare today but I bnit the bullet and just obeyed.

I told him that I seek his forgiveness for being too hard on him to change.

I told him that I had dreams of marriage that I thought would happen but nothing that I ever dreamed of is and that it is fraustrating for me.

He asked me to explain further.

I told him that I realised that my standard is not his standard and because of that, we are so different.

I mentioned how my dream if marriage is where we plan everythign together, we dream together and encourage one another.

We are a unit that moves together and has each others back, but that the reality is that we are not a unit and everything he does, he does it alone.

I told him how lonely it is for me to have no to talk to about the things of God and related it to when he told me that he felt that there were things that I can not do that he likes to do... drinking.

I told him that I would try and be more understanding .

He said that I had nothing to appologise for and that he blames himself and knows that he has to change.

He said that he grew up having to fend for himself and the hardness of life took away any love that he could have for a woman. It is now that he says, that he prays for God to teach him how to love me becuase all that he does in the name of love, seems to piss me off.

He said alot of things. some of which I would have cut him short with a matter of fat but the whole time I was praying for God to keep my mouth shut while he spoke and the Lord did that.

From what he said, there were some things that I did not know about his past and how it has defined his reasoning. I realised that these were things that I needed to take to God in prayer, on spouses behalf.

The best way for me to deal with these disconnetions is to be patient. Patient to pray about anything that I would want to discuss with spouse before I go to speak to him. In that time I will know from the Lord if it is something that I should do. Infact, I did just that over an issue and the Lord told me to wait a few more days before I speak to him about the issue.

Day 27 - Love Encourages...ugh

JasonEmigh — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 02:06:14 GMT

So I completed the Dare as directed but had to email Shelly as she wasn't home with us but was with him. My daughter was really missing mommy, so I let her call and leave a couple messages to calm her down. Shelly texted me telling me my daughter was feeding off of me and to try to keep her busy. I wasn't doing bad today, so this is another scapegoat tactic to blame me for things. Shelly told me today that he found her and the kids a 3 bedroom apartment near where he lives, and they would be moving soon, and she's hired an attorney to start separation proceedings. She did thank me for taking responsibility for the wrongs I've done, yet said it is too late. She did acknowledge some of the changes that I've made and again told me it should've been done before this. I replied that she doesn't have to do this and she knows it's not the best or healthiest for any of us. I stopped right away and gave it all to God as I realized I was trying to take control back. I feel powerless in this situation because I have made my choice to love God and Shelly, and it seems like nothing I'm doing matters. I prayed a lot today and tried to set up a small birthday gathering tomorrow evening with my parents and in-laws for my son who turns 4 tomorrow. Apparently she celebrated our son's birthday yesterday with him and some of his family. I prayed with my parents as a group asking for the Holy Spirit to fill her heart with a strong conviction to seek the Lord and to see the deceipt that is tricking her. It was a rough day between my daughter and learning about her intent to move out. I continue to cling to God and to love Shelly unconditionally. I would appreciate any words of advice or scriptures that woud help me at this time...Thanks

Day 27

Dan — Mon, 11 Jun 2012 00:13:05 GMT

In regards to today's dare, I have come to the following conclusion. When I set unreal expectations on my wife, and she doesn't feel motivated to attain them, it tells me that I am not being encouraging. Instead I am being discouraging. Almost a dictator. I have had a "my way or the high way" mentality for too long. Instead I should support and encourage her, not make demands that only serve a purpose of pleasing me.

I think, communication and compromise is the best way to deal with these disconnects. I need to stop being selfish and demanding and start being selfless and understanding. That doesn't mean I should cave into her every request and back down from everything I would like to do.

It means I need to do a better job of understanding why she doesn't want to meet an expectation, or why she wants to do something a different way. Through understanding I believe I can better support her wants, needs and wishes and balance them with mine.

I completed the dare fairly early this morning. We had breakfast, we talked and had a pretty normal day. After breakfast, I apologized for having unfair expectations of her. She asked, "What do you mean?" I said that I was sorry for putting myself first and always expecting her to follow. She said, "It wasn't just that. It was like you treated my like a tv." I asked her to explain and she said, "It was like, once you were done playing with the dog, once you were done working, once you were done with your computer, once you were done watching tv... then it was time for me."

That made me sad. She had told me before that one of the reasons she was unhappy was because I had made her feel second rate. Having her explain it this way was upsetting, because it was so true. The conversation turned to her needing to leave because, as she sees it, recently every night ends with her feeling overwhelmed and angry and leaving the room.

I thought on that for a while, then approached her a little later. Maybe this was manipulative, but I pointed out that in the past when we've had arguments, we've often gone to bed angry, woken up angry, gone to work angry and come home angry. Lately, when our conversations haven't ended well, we've been able to move past it and continue talking the next day. I'd like to think it's progress, that although we still come to impasses our communications are improving. I told her that it gives me hope that there is a small part of her that still wants to reconcile and realizes that although things are far from perfect, we are making progress. She said, "I do want to fix things, I just can't do it here, right now."

This evening, I asked what nights she would be home. I know she will be house sitting for her parents later in the week, but I wasn't 100% sure what day she would be moving into her condo. I have a big project at work that is launching this week. It will more than likely require me to put in some long hours this week and work from home the night it launches, so I've been trying to coordinate the launch on a day she won't be home, in an effort to ensure I have time for her when she is home. Making margins I guess.

She said that she was signing the lease on Monday and when she moved out was dependent on whether or not I could help her. I explained to her that, unfortunately my work hours were going to be weird this week. I also said that I'll probably try to reschedule the appointment I had made with the counselor to earlier in the week. That way I can help her and be free to work.

With the mention of counseling her attitude shifted instantly. She said, "Again, I just want to make sure you're not going to go in there and tell him all your problems with me. So they know everything about me. And then I'm just supposed to show up there sometime and talk to them? I don't think so." I told her that's not at all how I picture it.

She reiterated again that I had done things my way and that she didn't want anything to do with counseling so closely tied to our church. I said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you tonight. I'm doing this for us. Where else was I supposed to go?" She replied, "I don't know. I'm happy you're doing this for yourself, but again, you know how I felt."

I asked, "If I were to get you the phone number or the email address of his wife, would you allow me to give it to you?" Her response, 'No. I can never talk to them." In hindsight, I shouldn't have asked the question while the hurt was so fresh. I feel as though I need to attend a few sessions before approaching her with that. I think she just needs an opportunity to see we're not the talk of the town.

Our conversation ended when I said, "Well, just pray on it." That actually got the biggest rise out of her. She responded very angrily, "What do you think I've been doing?" It made me happy to know she's been praying and that she is still turning to God. But it's honestly the angriest I've seen her yet. For some reason it really struck a nerve.

But for now, there is nothing I can do about her moving out. It hurts. A lot. But it's in God's hands. I just pray that he continues to work in her as he has so much in me. I pray he works through our/my counselor and gives them the support they need to further strengthen my relationship with him.

Day 67 - Love still Encourages

Jenn — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 03:28:05 GMT

Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4

Day 67—Love still Encourages

“Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has told you you're expecting too much, and tell them you're sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise them you'll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love.”

After last night’s conversation I could only imagine all the areas my husband could still muster up about unrealistic expectations despite my trying very hard not to have/portray them. I prayed over the dare this morning in which He opened the door pretty early in the day for me to complete it.

I had gotten a text a little bit after my husband had left last night that said, “Thank you for tonight.” I did not see it till after midnight, so I did not respond since I figured he would be sleeping. I was pleasantly surprised by it though. Morning rolls around and I was going to respond, but as usual felt God telling me not to. Sure enough I get another text from him, “Are you there?” I had to laugh. I then felt okay to respond—“Yes, I am sorry. I hadn’t seen the text till way late. Your welcome, but I am not sure about what. I had thought I made you angry and uncomfortable.” His response, “I am working through some stuff, but all in all it was a good night.” And there was God opening the door for me to accomplish today’s dare—“I understand. I am glad you thought overall it was good. If there is something you think I am having any unrealistic expectations about, please let me know. I don’t want you to think I am pressuring you about anything.” He simply expressed back, “Thank you, I appreciate that.”

Contact was minimal today, but I am content with that. Yesterday was pretty heavy, so if that means he needs time to digest then that is okay. I did and said what I felt led to, the rest is up to Christ.

Day 27 Love Encourages

Natalie — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 12:43:34 GMT

So yesterday he had his job interview. He called me right after and told me about it. He seemed so excited and i was excited for him. I told him i felt good about it. He was like what do i do if the job here comes through and they call me in a month and want me over there. I told him to take it cause you never know what can happen. But i know that God will provide him with what he really needs. He seemed reassured. So later last night we went to the Opera. He picked me up in a handsome suit. He said i looked nice and i was like you do too. Later on though he asked if he looked ok in the suit and i said you look really handsome in the suit, but you look handsome in everything. :) So we go to the opera. He seemed annoyed because of road rage. lol so i really couldnt talk to him. After 2 hrs at the opera we left during an intermission because we found out it was going to be almost 4 hrs and he felt uncomfortable. No big deal. So we were waiting for valet and he tells me that hes going to the doctors on Monday for testing in his private regions. He said he told the doctor about his sympton and they feel something is wrong. He said he was scared, but i told him that everything will be fine. You are going to be ok regardless of what happens. I'll pray for you. As we went to eat i just sat next to him kissing him and holding his hand in the car. It was just a nice silence. At dinner i asked him if he ever felt that he expected too much out of me. I figured i could start the conversation and tell him what i needed to. He answered but then got distracted. He was telling me about his childhood in that area we were in. So i never said anything. He took me home. I hugged him and said you know i love you rught and he said i love you too. And then he left. So a few minutes later i texted him : I was trying to tell you this when we were eating, but i think i expected more out of you than you had to give. And i never should have. We are human and we all have flaws. And i love you flaws and all. I will always love you unconditionally. When he got home he said i love you i'm home. Good night. And that was that. Now time to read today's dare.

Day 27 - Love Encourages

Jenn — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 06:59:18 GMT

Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4

Day 27—Love Encourages

Yesterday’s dare definitely encompassed today’s dare too. I took responsibility for areas I had failed as a wife and three out of the five areas I talked about in some way include encouragement. Being a control freak and perfectionist often times projects unrealistic expectations not only on myself, but my husband too, resulting in feelings of being a disappointment.

The chapter reads, “Divorce is nearly inevitable when people refuse to allow their spouses to be human. So there needs to be a transition in your thinking. You must choose to live by encouragement rather than by expectations. The way your spouse has been for the last ten years is likely what he or she will be in the future apart from your loving encouragement and an intervention from God. Love puts focus on personal responsibility and improving yourself rather than on demanding more from others.”

I woke up with the feeling that my heart had been ripped out of my chest. My husband got home from the other woman’s house about 600 this morning and started packing all of his stuff up to move into his new place tomorrow. I didn’t sleep very well, so I knew it was going to be a long emotional day.

At first I wasn’t sure how God wanted me to complete today’s dare, but it became apparent throughout the day He was working through me during the random talks my husband and I had. It was not exactly how the dare reads, but I believe I was able to give encouragement at various opportunities God provided. Kind of ironic too – because I had to HOLD my tongue sooo many times. It has been awhile since I have had to ask God repeatedly for the strength to hold back my words because they were very close to rolling out into something not so pretty. This resulted in the Holy Spirit using more encouraging-type words through me whether my husband realized it or not. Some examples that took place within sporadic conversations we had today—

Husband: Going off on random tangents about everything I did again

Me: “I don’t recognize who you are anymore.”

Husband: “I don’t recognize who I am either. Everything I’ve ever loved is gone except my career.”

Me: “I’m not gone. I am here! I am not running. I will be here till the end.”

Me: “Do you still want to have children?” (random, I know, but we had quite a few random talks today)

Husband: “Not anymore. I can’t trust anyone and besides apparently you don’t think I would make a good father because I am not Christ centered.”

Me: “I’ve never said you won’t be a good Dad. I think you will make a great father one day.” (I really wanted to add…“especially if you welcome Christ back into your life.”)

Husband: Justifying his affair in every way possible

Me: “You know I am sincerely sorry for what I did. You know that I take responsibility for all of the areas I did not live up to as a wife as I expressed yesterday. I have been trying to be an encouragement during all of this by not making you feel guilty or shameful. I have never brought up your affair to throw in your face. I have forgiven you, so I ask you to please stop throwing mine in my face.” (he got quiet after that - believe me that is uncommon these days)

We were both on quite the emotional rollercoaster ride today. He started off pissed that I will not help file for divorce telling me I am making him do all the work. You betcha! I already expressed I would not back down on that since I do not want a divorce. That I am standing for this till the end. I am not forcing him to file. I am not forcing him to move out. All choices he is making.

I can certainly tell when he is angry and uncomfortable because he starts spouting off the most random mean things. It is very apparent he is struggling and stressed. I tried to express in a nonchalant way that I am not who I was two months—even a month ago. He still says I haven’t and that I am just selfish. I asked how have I not changed. He starts giving examples that were one to two months ago. He could not give one example of how I am the same person in the last few weeks (i.e. timeframe of the Love Dare). All I said in return was that I am sorry he feels that way. I believe deep down he knows I have changed, which is why he decided to bring up old examples. I am not nearly as emotional, control ridden, and fearful as in the examples he was giving. Though I never said it, I was thinking to myself…if you only knew what I was doing and experiencing…one day it will hit you. One day you will WAKE up! (I know I should not be worrying about this right now, but like I said, it was one of those days that stemmed from the reality of him really leaving me and living this 'other' life he has been leading with someone else).

Blessings (perhaps in disguise) that I am taking from spending time with him today even if it was while he was preparing to move out—

*He took the time to help me with burning a DVD montage I was making for my Grandma’s one year anniversary of passing away

*I found out he still has the 9 page letter I wrote him two months ago when I went to the ocean (I reread it the other day and could not believe the parallels to where this journey has lead me to – a reminder that God was just at the starting line with me when I made the commitment then to fight for this marriage till the end).

*He also still had the letter I wrote him yesterday even though he said he was going to trash it.

*He has said he is not filing for divorce till after the house is sold

Thank God tomorrow is a NEW day with RENEWED strength from the Almighty!

Day 27: something different

HKOakland — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 08:11:43 GMT

I finally saw my husband this evening since he wanted time and space away from me. I asked him during dinner about what he felt I was most unrealistic about. They were things we had talked about before. I let him know later I would be open to hearing what he had to say about it and listen to him because that is a way of showing him I love him. He replied WOW that's something new and different. Felt good to let him know that. Not sure he believes it or not but I will have to show him by my actions.

I felt continued peace and calmness throughout the day. Kept myself busy and then finally in the evening contacted him and THANK GOD he replied and asked me to meet him. Do I wonder where and what he did last night? YES but whatever. He told me he just needed time and space alone so he was at his work. Nothing I can do. Whatever it is GOD will take care of it. I don't have to worry about it. Nothing I can do anyways. I am trying to focus on loving CHRIST first and foremost. Feels incredible to know GOD is always there for me and loves me. I am truly blessed.

Round 3 - Day 107

Melissa — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 13:36:13 GMT

I did not see my husband today so I wrote him a note and left it on his pillow that said, "I am sorry for always being so hard on your about keeping the house clean. I will seek to understand. I love you very much." Nothing more than the dare said and nothing less.

Day 27

core — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 11:12:14 GMT

Today was a another tough day. I keep getting new rules added to what is allowable and what is not allowable - I wonder why I keep subjecting myself to this then I realized it is because it is my responsibility to be a relief valve on stress; it is my job to give unconditionally.

The one expectation I know she needs me to give up is for our marriage to recover and grow. That is the one meaningful unrealistic expectation she needs. I undconditionally will help her design a plan to chase her dreams. We sat down and designed a time line. I did share with her how I felt it was so important that she deal with the extra baggage brought from previous relationships into our marriage. That she can't imagine what this love I am feeling now is like.

This is challenging me to the core of my soul

Expectatiosn vs Encouragement

Serilium — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 21:21:47 GMT

I've had trouble thinking of something that I have too high expectations on. I went to my husband and asked him because I couldn't think of anything. He didn't have an answer for me either. So for this dare I will watch what I say and what I expect from my husband. I will also seek to encourage him in anything and everything he does. His job is an area that he needs extra encouragement with right now, and his role as a step-father to my daughter.

areas that I think I might need to watch: household chores, discipline with my daughter, our church assignments.

Day 27-Expectations I thought I didn't have going into marriage

cwest — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 00:37:01 GMT

So thinking about this dare, I realized that going into marriage I knew that I couldn't expect everything of my husband, but funny how that is exactly what I did. I expected him to spend a lot of his time with me. I expected him to sacrifice work for me. I expected him to always to there for me when I needed him. I realize that the demands of his work are very high and that he wants to do the best he can for them. I realize that he tried the best that he could to give me the time I needed. I have realized that I can't expect him to never forget things, heck I am the most forgetful person. Who am I to get mad at him? I had also bugged him a lot about drinking too much soda. It is a money drainer and it is not good for you health wise. My expectation for him to stop is because I care about him and his body. He drinks them so he can make it through the day and so he won't get migraines. I realize that I should not bug him about it. If he wants to quite that is up to him. Not me. I will accept him as he is.

I had texted him yesterday and asked if we were going to meet this week at all. He didn't respond. So I sent an email telling him I didn't mean to push him or pressure him into meeting, just that I would like to make plans with friends, but that he came first. And rather than wait through the silence and the week be over, I figured I would just ask. He responded. He said he hadn't meant to be silent. Work just has been crazy and he is continuing to help out with some other things that take his time up until 10-11 at night. He said we could meet on Monday. So, I will tell him then I am sorry for putting these unattainable expectations on him.

dare 27

forever512 — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 02:03:05 GMT

I texted my husband this morning. I apologized for having unrealistic expectations that he could solve our financial issues & hinted that I was working on joining the workforce again. I ended with I love you always. I didn't want to put too much emphasis on what I was going to do, I wanted this to be about me seeing my error & that I was sorry. If my husband wants to know my plans, I will share them with him...but when he wants to know.

Its hard for me sometimes to not think about him. I don't go on facebook often because I don't want the temptation of seeing what he's up to or with whom. I also don't need the drama from all those people in my life either. I did go on today though to put up some pictures my freinds asked me to from a concert we went to last night. I saw an update from my husband that he was friends with 2 more women. Now, I didn't jump to conclusions because I don't know how they know eachother... it bothered me a little because it made me miss him (and I can't say I didn't feel a pang of jealousy). But I took the time to pray & it helped. I quickly uploaded the pictures & signed off. I don't want to know... I trust God. Saying that in my head over and over again makes me smile. I trust God.

dare 27/round 2

forever512 — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 05:15:00 GMT

I've had a blessed past few days. Over the weekend I went to my cousins Christmas party & though he was a little drunk, he made me smile. He confided in me that he's got lots of money, & a real nice house & travels the world, but the one thing he wants, he can't have. He and his wife recently found out they are unable to have children. He said he would trade everything he has & live in a tiny shack if only he would be blessed with a child. It still brings tears to my eyes... I may be in a hard financial situation, but I have more than money can ever buy because I have my three most precious children! I felt like the richest person around that night... and even now :)

Then yesterday my husband brought up our future living arrangement again. This time when he asked me to talk to my parents about living in an apartment for free, I told him I think it should be he who talks to them. He did NOT like that. I simply stated that I would go anywhere he arranged it for me and the kids, but since he was the one who wanted to change our current living/family situation, he would ahve to be the one to figure out those details. Needless to say he was MAD. He yelled so loud for the first time in many months... so loud it woke up our daughter. He told me I was selfish, he threatened to tell my family about our situation on Christmas Eve (I guess he doesn't realize they already know...), he told me that if I was going to be difficult that he would make sure I get my payback, he said that if I think I am going to live off of him for free then I have the wrong Idea because he would rather quit his jobs than to give everything to me, he finished with "and you wonder why I don't love you". I pretty much just let him rant, though I did let him know that I wasn't getting anything "free" because the price of breaking up this family was a greater than any monetary amount. I was very calm & at peace & I prayed several times for Jesus to bring peace and love to my husbands heart. WHen all was said and done, I went into my room and thanked God for my blessings and prayed for my husband. I know he is stressed about our financial situation, especially around this time of year... I just pray he finds peace in Christ.

It's funny how people I know who are on the right path with God, still propose retaliation against my husband. I guess that's just human nature, though. I was doing some meager CHristmas shopping today & bought a couple things for my husband. Some people couldn't believe that I even got him anything. Others suggested I give them to him as gifts "from the kids" to kind of "show him".

Ever since last nights blow up, my husband has been ignoring me completely. I knew it was coming. So I probably had an excuse as to not complete todays dare, but I did it anyway. I apologized to my husband for the unrealiztic expecations I've had of him & he said to me "you know, let's just not talk unless it has to do with the kids".

Yet despite everything, I feel happy & extremely blessed. I've let my husband go & no longer worry about what he is or will be doing... and I don't let him affect my mood this holiday season. I am committed to loving him no matter what. More importantly, I am committed to serving the Lord above all else.

dare 27/ round 2

forever512 — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 04:46:28 GMT

The past several days have been a blessing. Over the weekend my cousin (was a little drunk) practically cried on my shoulders becasue he is very wealthy & has everything he could ever want, except for kids. He and his wife are unable to have children. He announced how he would give up everything he has and live in a shack if he could only have one child. It brings me to tears everytime I think about this... and it makes me remember how blessed my life is. I may not be wealthy, but I have more than any money in the world could buy :)

Yesterday my husband brought up our future living arrangements again. This time when he asked me to talk to my parents if they would let me stay in an apartment for free, I told him that I think he should be the one to ask them. He became very frustrated & I simply explained that I would go wherever he arranged it for me and the kids to stay, but since he was the one who wanted to change our current living/family situation, he would have to be the one to figure out those details. Needless to say, he got upset. He told me I was being selfish, he threatened to tell my family about everything going on between us on Christmas Eve (I guess he doesn't realize they already know...), he told me that if I decided to become difficult that he would make sure I got my payback, he said that if I thought I was going to sit back and enjoy everything for "free" then he would rather quit his job and give me nothing, for the first time in months he yelled loud enough to wake up our daughter, etc. For the most part I let him grumble. I did tell him that I wasn't getting anything for "free" because the price of breaking up this family was greater than any monetary amount. I told him I would be fine in a shack with my kids. He couldn't stop talking about how much money it was going to cost him...I know he is stressed about finances. I prayed a lot while he was ranting, asking for Jesus to calm him and fill him with His love and peace. After all was said and done, I thanked the Lord for my blessings and prayed for my husband.

It's funny how even the closest people I know who are on the right path with God can suggest retaliation to his behavior. I guess that's just human nature. I have tried to continue to be kind and loving to my husband, but he has gone on to completely ignore me. I knew that was coming. SO I had a good reason not to complete the dare today... but I chose to anyway. I apologized for the unrealistic expectations & he just said "you know what, let's not talk to each other unless it has to do with the kids".

I tried to fiish up my meager Christmas shopping today... I bought a few items for my husband. My close friend and even my mother in law both were surprised I bought him anything at all & then suggested I give them to him "from the kids". My mother in law blankly stated that she is tired of his sh*t... I told her not to give up on him & to continue praying. Me, on the other hand, I've let him go. I'm not letting him to put a damper on this holiday season for me and the kids & I'm not worrying about his is doing or will be doing. I'm trusting him to Christ.

Unrealistic Expectations

cruthw — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 13:23:29 GMT

This dare took me back 17 years. I had only been dating my husband for 6 months when he proposed to me. I was reading the book Personality Plus when he proposed and I said back then that I would not have said "yes" if I hadn't read that book. I was fustrated at that time with some of his behaviors and what the book confirmed to me was that those behaviors came from his personality he was not acting out to frustrate me. Well, through this dare I realized that I have forgotten some of those things I learned in that book. I have had unrealistic expections of my husband to behavior in ways that he is just not wired to behave. I need to accept him for the wonderful man that God made and stop those expectations.

So I have located the book and have begun to read it once again. For the dare I actually showed my husband the book and asked if he remembered it and that I was reading it when he proposed. He actually said "vaguely". That is an improvement for a man who told me a month ago he didn't even remember the day that we met or couldn't even thing of any good times that we have had. Anyway, I went on to apologize for my unrealistic expectations and told him I was going to be more accepting of who he is. Not sure how much he actually heard - for he choose to play with the cat while I was talking. I repeated a couple things but he seemed to pretty much ignore me.

On to the next dare. I surrender both myself and my husband to my Abba Father. Please give me the courage and strength to continue on in this battle. Please open and soften my husbands heart.

day/dare 27

David — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 14:32:10 GMT

Well, yesterday sucked and was nice at the same time. I woke up a couple hours earlier then ny wife usually does. For some reason I had a strong urge to watch fire proof. I put it on and started to watch and my wife came out. I had it quite and was only about five minute in and she got up early. I was surprised and went to take the movie out. She said it was ok and let it play, she actually watched most of it. Then she had me get the cats to take to her moms. Once there she told me where her bed would go and our child's crib, it hurt. Later we had a great dinner and talk before she went to bed. During the day I took a friend of hers to the driving range, while there he told me I maybe holding on to false hope.

Dare 27

forever512 — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 03:02:24 GMT

So I decided that I was a bit harsh on my expectations for my husband toward our kids. I have always pushed him to do more with the kids, without ever really considering how he is feeling after working all day! So I have in the past weeks taken it easy on him, but today was a great opportunity to thank him for all he does as a dad. We went to a reading workshop the school had for all kindergarten student parents & my husband came home from work early so he could attend with me. I told him it was so nice of him to do that since he really didn't have to. ANd I didn't do it just becasue I was supposed to, I really meant it! My husband works all day & comes home to eat dinner and have a fdew minutes with the kids before their bedtime. Yes, I do a lot with them, but when it matters, my husband is there. In the past year, 2 of our 3 kids wound up in the ER (our daughter was 1 month old with a 103 fever, and later our son had a fever induced seizure with his fever reaching almost 106!!!). My husband rushed to be at our side in the ER abandoning everything to be there. He coached our oldest sons tee ball team this past season. When it matters & it's important to the kids, he never lets them down. It kinda makes me sad that I didn't realize that they don't need him to give them baths every night or do homework with them every night to be involved. The 10 minutes they play together means the world to our kids. ANd my husband loves those 3 babies, there's no doubt about it!

Anyway, he didn't say too much about my comment. He asked why I would say that & I mentioned that being at the workshop today made me realize how huge it was that he was there and willing to be there. I told him I was sorry if I never let him know before what a great dad he was, but he is awesome! He just brushed it off & went about doing his things.

Today was an off day in general for everyone I think! It was rainy & from the very morning, all 3 kids were up and cranky...all day I couldnt get to that 100% me point- my kids were going a little stir crazy from being inside all day & though I don't know for sure, I think my husband was feeling kinda yucky, too. Just one of those days- not bad, but just loooong.

I really enjoyed this dare becasue it forced me to voice my appreciation and encouragement. I know I think these things, but I rarely voice them. And I know how nice it is to hear you are appreciated and that you are doing well at whatever task you are doing... I give my kids positive reinforcement every day... doesn't everybody desreve that? So this dare has definately made me aware of voicing my encouragement & appreciation to my husband.

I find it amazing how even on days like today I can still feel God walking beside me. It is comforting to know He is always here. When my firends aren't available to talk to & my husband is not wanting to talk... I knwo I can count on our Lord to be there for me. What an awesome feeling!!!

Day twentyseven

Polly — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 01:46:37 GMT

I have one really big thing that I have never given up trying to change in my hunny that he has told me that I expect too much. He smokes. It is not a good thing, but he won't quit. He has made several halfhearted attempts to quit in the hope of getting me off his back about it but he has no real intention of giving it up. So for this dare, I chose to let it go. I have been very hard on him about it. At first I tried to be supportive and encouraging but lately I have been disrespectful to him when it comes to this. He knows how I feel about it and he knows those feelings won't change, but he also knows that I am truly sorry for being difficult with this. I will just let it be. I promise to not harp on it any longer. Turning this one over to God as well. It seems that I have been doing a lot of turning things over to God lately.

I was reading Matthew 7 before I read the dare today, and it is funny how they tied together. I have been very judgmental with this issue. He has tried to turn it around, saying I could never just walk away from something I really love, like chocolate and soda. I didn't eat chocolate or drink soda for a whole year just to prove to him that I could. I felt that if I could give something up like that, then he could too. But it didn't make a difference. I am still struggling with letting this go completely and I am praying for the ability to truly let it go.

As a girl, I would think about what my future would be like, what kind of house I would live in, what kind of man I would marry, things like that . Nothing has come about like I had dreamed of when I was little. There have been so many twists and turns along the way. I take it each day as an adventure now.

Dare 27

Jaime — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 14:43:25 GMT

I am going to talk to my husband about work, I always wanted to be a house wife, and I told him he had to do whatever he had to do to make enough money to support our family. I even suggested going in the Navy, where he would barely even be at home, just to make enough money so we'd be happy. I did not want to have to get a job at all. Now that he has got a job where he goes away for 20 days, and then is home for only 8, I realize that I'd much rather have to work and have him here all the time, than him go away to make money to support our family. I'd rather be a family and be happy than be alone most of the time to have money. I know there is nothing I can do now, and sometimes you have to do what you have to do... but if I had a choice I'd go to work.. I hope we can work things out, I am going to pray more and I am going to browse the internet for good prayer guidelines because I am probably not putting enough into my prayers, and I may not even be doing it right.

Day 67 - live by encouragement rather than by expectations

James — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 04:38:47 GMT

Here it says that "Divorce is nearly inevitable when people refuse to allow their spouses to be human." I do feel this way - she expects a perfect soul-mate who will understand her every thought and all her emotions and be able to carry her through life. I can learn and learn but I would never be that perfect being she's looking for. If she cannot accept me for me, then I don't see how she will reconcile. She strongly believes that Mr. Perfect is out there for her. I alone cannot change that - doesn't matter how many dares I do. Only God can convict her and use these dares as vehicles.

Both of us have to understand that Marriage "is a unique friendship designed by God Himself where two people live together in flawed imperfection but deal with it by encouraging each other, not discouraging them." I will let go of unrealistic expectations and become her greatest encourager.

Day 27 - remove unrealistic expectations

James — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 05:06:15 GMT

I had a lot of unrealistic expectations of her when we married on what a wife should be like, and I felt that she did always try to live up to those expectations. I know that was wrong and I must become her biggest encourager instead. She also has unrealistic expectations of me - I obviously felt really short and that's why I'm here. I pray that we will at some point get a chance to talk about this face to face. It is up to God though, not up to me.

Lord oh God - Help me eliminate unrealistic expectations of my spouse so I can love her unconditionally like you called me to... She does not need to be a perfect wife because our marriage is made up of two imperfect persons united by God. Let me be her biggest encourager the biggest fan in everything.

Encouraging love & life

Linda Wille Punzel — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 13:27:41 GMT

I have been praying & crying a lot these last few days. Three years ago this week my husband & I met, our wedding anniversary is coming up on the 9th of July. Before I even read todays dare I realize I have been praying for Gods forgiveness for the things I did wrong in my marriage. I have been asking God to help me grow into a healthy woman so I can learn from my mistakes & not bring them into the rest of my life.

Looking back from when I started this dare the first time I can see how differently I react & handle situations in my life. My boundries are much stronger towards others but more importantly to my self & my Lord. I am learning again who I am & what God wants out of my life, also where my wants fit into his divine plan for me. It is a scary place sometimes, new & exciting place as well. I am in a place in my life I have never been before. I still have some worry, I get scared what will happen with my living arrangement, will I find a better job/career. The difference is that it is a tiny butterfly in my stomach, not an elephant rolling around. God has helped me believe that he is here & all will work out just the way it is planned.

I allowed myself to cry yesterday, I didnt stress that I was wrong for doing so. I didnt beg for God to return my husband to me. I allowed my feelings to flow, safe in the arms of the Lord who comforts me like no other. I asked for strength, I reached out to God instead of calling my husband. I have to accept that this is where my life is, my husband is not here with me on my path. I think about him often, I miss & love him. He has his own life now, his own path to walk. I would love for him to be here, to walk our paths side by side. I realize God had to make different plans. There are days I want my husband to be a family again, there are days I pray the papers are waiting for me when I get home so I can move on with my life, either way I end up thanking God for my journey & praising his timing, reminding me when the time is right all will fall in place. I live in the moment, I can pray for what I would like but God has the reins to my life so I wait patiently for God to let me know what is going to happen.

These next few weeks will be hard, but I am comforted in the fact the Lord will see me thru. I praise him everyday. I am grateful for all he is to me & has done for me & I wouldnt change a thing.............I will close saying I love my husband with all my heart & I am willing to let him go if need be so he can live the life God wants him to live, even if it is without me. It is Gods will, I will obey..............