sunday was my "day 27", but let me preface it by 24 hours earlier. saturday night, i went to the movies alone (i've never done this before). it was bittersweet as i enjoyed the solitude, but was sad by the "couples" that filed in. i missed my partner, my wife. when i got home, it was my wife's turn to go to her parents house to spend the night; i stay at my home. my intention was to get up sunday morning and take the kids to church...only this time, all 3 of my girls wanted to spend the night with grammy and paw-paw, which is where my wife was heading. i didn't care though. as we said our goodbye's, i got ready for bed. i laid in bed and satan started to mess with my head. i would love to tell you how i rebuked him, and he went away...but i didn't and either did he. instead, i laid there and began to conjur up a make belief argument, and i got genuinely upset at my wife to the point that i had a hard time sleeping. i even thought to myself, "this hasn't even happened and i'm so upset". i pushed the argument out of my head, and fell asleep not giving it a 2nd thought...or so i thought. my son and i were the only one's that went to church. i really felt the encouragement from the holy spirit too, i needed it.
my wife and i have taken on the motto of: "it's your day with the kids". well, sunday was mine. since all 3 girls spent the night (along with my wife), my day was slowly fading away. i spent some much needed time with my son though, so all is well. my wife called me around 12:30 to ask if it would be all right if she and my oldest went to lunch and "hung out". i was fine with this. 6pm finally comes and my wife and daughter get back to my in-laws where we are all at. my wife asked if she could "have a word with me". she asked me if i was upset at something, and i said, "no i'm just really tired"...which is true from working 2 jobs, not sleeping well at night because i'm in a foreign bed, and the fact that i miss my wife...but other than that, i'm good (that's the response that is in my head, i just said the first part though). my wife decided to leave so i could finish out "my day" but then said that my oldest daughter wants to come with her and wanted to know if it would be all right. i said, "no...i haven't seen her all day, and i want to spend some time with her". my daughter was of course upset, but my wife respected my decision but it further fueled her thought that i was "upset" based on my tone. this time, the anger that presented itself saturday night, came out sunday evening and i got rather "rude" with her. enough so that when she left, she was now upset. i felt awful. about 30 minutes passed, and i couldn't even sit still. i called my wife and apologized for my rudeness, and started to tell her what is all on my mind. she told me, "this is huge of you to apologize, and let's talk when you come home".
we had a great conversation. we resolved issues regarding me spending more quality time with the kids. out of the blue, my wife commended me for "coming clean and admitting to what i have done". i assured her that i would not hurt her...and that i want her to begin trusting me again. she said she is trying, and last night she even admitted to starting too...WOW!!!!! i put the kids to bed, and i left on such a high note that we gave each other a hug. it was a "friendship" hug, but a hug. she is still adament about going forward with the separation. that fear has been given to god, and i thanked him for it when she said it. i left, and she was preparing for her girlfriend to come over and hang out (which i later found out didn't happen). her friend is the buddhist inspiration that is giving my wife curiosity into that belief, or at least causing her to read info about it. when i got to my sleeping quarters, i read my love dare. i couldn't think of anything to say regarding the unrealistic expectations. then it hit me...i have placed unrealisticly the expectation that my wife has to be perfect. to not make any mistakes. so i decided to email her my apology instead of calling...due to her company. i told her how wrong of me it was and how unfair it was to her, and that i'm sorry for it. below is her response that i got this morning.
There is no doubt he is working in her during this journey. And until she has that trust she will continue to have some distance etc...
But I have to tell you, that the hardest part I believe is over for you. I think now it is all up to you. But your journey will continue.
we signed the paperwork last night, finally. i asked her how it made her feel to have to rehash all the emotions again simply based on a personal preference from her lawyer. she said that she was "sad, because this is 10 years here". i said, "yes...i feel the same way". she always rebuts quickly with, "but this is the right thing for me right now" or "i have to do this for me right now". she is showing signs of trust again. i stayed home with the kids last night, but needed to use the computer. since my bout of spying a few weeks ago, she since then changed the passwords to get on the computer. last night, i needed it. she was hesitant about giving me any codes, but i assured her that i wouldn't hurt her and if she truly wants to trust me like she says she does, that this can be her first step. she mentioned to me that i better not look at the history to see what she's been on and then question her about it. i told her i wouldn't question her and that it isn't my place to (i gave that to god to worry about). i did however check the history, and was saddened when i found all the buddhist websites, dalai lama websites and even psycic websites that she is visiting. this gave me a focus on what to pray for. as i slept last night, i felt an evilness lurking in my home around 2:30 this morning. it woke me up. i didn't sleep well to begin with because my daughter (who wanted to sleep in bed with me) kicked me all night. when i did wake up to this feeling, my daughter was perfectly still. i prayed for the protection in my home, and my family. the stuff that she's bringing in my home are not of god, but right now...i can't say anything about it because she doesn't want to hear it. she feels i'm "preaching" at her. all of this is breaking my heart.
That has to be tough. As you move further into the dare, there will be much tougher challenges that will come head to head with this.
Prayer for guidance and opportunity to love her are so important. But these are problems that must be left for him to deal with at the moment. Stick to your day to day. Become stronger in trusting him.
Maynard, I have been through the same thing with the Devil exactly, Pray as soon as the thoughts enter. I might feel good to let some of the blame come into your mind and to feel justified but it's not worth the feelings at the end and you lose peace of mind, until you really pray again
And that is where the "Be Still...." comes in.