Weeks before I ever knew the Love Dare existed God was already preparing me for the Love Dare Journey.  BF broke it off because he  said, 'he don't love me anymore and he is not happy'.  He told me latter how he had an emotional relationship with a woman at his work.   After the break up I started to see all the things he did do for me that showed his love for me and how I took those things for granted because I was blinded by my pain and bitterness.   I did the opposite of building him up and encouraging him to do better and instead I ended up tearing him down.  I told him how sorry I was for being a woman with a wicked tongue.  I thought my “honest or blunt” words would somehow correct and help him to see his wrong doings.  What I couldn’t see how my words were so destructive and wounding.  It breaks my heart to think how I hurt him and I never want to do that to him again. 

 

So in prayer this morning I was asking God, “What should I do Lord?  Should I apologize to him again and again?  Please fill me with your Holy Spirit and help me to see what I may have forgotten or cannot see that I need to apologize to BF for.  I started telling God about how I used to think I had it all together when my friends would tell me how hard it is when a relationship ended and how they desperately need someone in their lives.  I used to tell them how they didn’t need someone to feel complete and how they just need to be patient and wait on God, bla bla bla… All though the things I told them are true but I had no compassion. I had no idea until now how much pain they were in -  I just didn’t get it.   In the beginning of this book I was so excited and thought this Love Dare journey was going to be so easy and now I just want to give up because the further on I go the harder it seems to want to hang on to someone that just don’t love me anymore; I feel my hope dwindling.   I just want so badly to be his wife (or somebody's at this point) but some reason (I believe his heart is wounded from something in his past) BF is afraid of marriage and commitment.  I desire so badly to be in a Godly marriage.  Praying together and growing the Lord together having some sort of ministry/testimony together and the reward of the marriage bed by waiting and staying pure until my wedding day.  I am at the point where I feel like giving up because there has to be someone out there that can give me those things.  Someone that will care for me when I am trying to carry ALL the groceries up the stairs all by myself in heels, someone who will care when I come home alone in the dark, someone who will care for me in all my struggles and wants to know about me and not only talk about themselves all the time.  At first I wondered why people gave up on this journey and then I hit this low point and now I understand why they do.  Even though I do I love him - I’m not happy.  Isn’t that ironic? I’m not happy and I want to give up on loving him because there may be better out there.  I then realized that I am now doing the same thing BF did to me at this point.  I asked God to forgive me for wanting to give up; thanked Him for this journey; and I am still willing to be a vessel for Him to pour out His love to BF.