This dare is at the core of our current problems. It is these wrongdoings on my part (words that tore him down) that have created
the anger, HATE, and huge walls. I have apologized
many times for the hurt and pain that these wrongdoing have caused him. He can not find any forgiveness for me and he is not afraid to tell me that. In his words "I will NEVER forgive you and I will NEVER allow you to hurt me again." And so with that he has built these walls and rejects any feelings for me.
So with that said - God helped me to put the words together for what I hope was a meaningful apology to my husband. It was never my intention to cause him any pain through those words and I would take them all back if I could. I am truly sorry and pray diligently that my husband will forgive me. I am confident that God has forgiven me.
As I did this dare I didn't find it hard to say I was sorry and ask for forgiveness. The part I struggle with is still probably my need to control...I so desperately want to get through to my husband and receive his forgiveness. He of course had no response to me what so ever for what I said to him. In fact, I believe that he is becoming even more cold to me. He will rarely talk unless I speak to him first. If I get too close he moves away, in fact he usually chooses to not be in the same room. Conversations are completely about him or the kids. He refuses to ask how I am doing or say something that could be considered nice. (I made him a special dinner that I had never made before - he said thank you - but nothing like that was good.) In fact, my husband treats total strangers with more respect than me.
I am going to continue to show my husband all of my love, for I do truly love him. My point is that I am struggling to keep it going. My love is still there - it just is so hard to share it when one is rejected so much. I remind myself this is what my Savior endured for me. I pray daily for God to give me the strength to go on. I claim His promises that He will never give me more than I can endure, I am always with you, Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest. I am asking God how much more I can endure.
You have confessed to Christ and asked for forgiveness. So you are right with Him. You have confessed and ask forgiveness from your husband, now you are right with him. He may not have forgiven you. But that does not mean you are not right with the situation.
He now has to deal with Selfish foolishness. Remember what this journey is all about. You and Christ. Put God first and worry about where you are there. As you grow you will become more of a testimony to your husband. The more you are happy with Christ the more spite will come from your husband. It is called conviction. You should be miserable, you should be as unhappy as he is. But eventually he will desire what you have. That is your testimony.