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Day 66 - Love still Takes Responsibility

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    Day 66—Love still takes Responsibility

     

    “Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing.  Ask for God's forgiveness, and then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse.  Do it sincerely and truthfully.  Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well.  No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love.  Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel.”

     

    After I posted yesterday’s journal entry my husband had ended up stopping by on his way home. I have still been fighting whatever this fever/massive body ache thing is. Well, he saw how horrid I looked and asked if I would stay the night at his place. Cannot tell you how nice a bed sounded at this point. The couch was not faring well with how bad my body hurt. When he went upstairs to check out the work the tile guy had finished I prayed about it. I felt God telling me it was okay, so I grabbed some necessities and we headed to his place. I did not look around when I got there. I asked where the bedroom was and immediately lied down. My temperature had gotten to 102, so all I could think about was getting warm and sleeping. I forgot how comfortable our bed was even with how uncomfortable my body was feeling. My husband kindly checked on me throughout the night making sure I had a wet rag on my head and water by my bedside.

     

    When I am sick, my emotional level tends to be higher, so vulnerability has a tendency to set in. I have been trying hard throughout this journey to remain strong—there were definitely days that I did not feel like I was and this morning when I woke was one of those times. I probably could have slept all day, but I had to get ready for work—thankfully it was a short day since it just consisted of an event I needed to be at for a few hours. My husband ended up sleeping on the couch, so I decided before I woke him to take me home I would take a bath real quick then would finish getting ready at home. It was then I experienced a pierce of pain to the heart. Satan attack for sure! I was going to take my bath in his bedroom bathroom, but noticed a woman’s Bath and Body Works shower gel and bath pouf. Thoughts of the OW rapidly started flashing through my mind. I reminded myself what I wrote yesterday—Satan is all about destruction—I cannot let him succeed in that. I decided to take my bath in the other bathroom. Once done I woke my husband and asked for him to take me home. He could tell something was wrong. I tried playing it off as if it was nothing, which didn’t work. I just told him it was hard being here. I didn’t feel like going into the fine details at that point…maybe tonight at dinner.

     

    Work thankfully came and went fast. My husband called a little while after I got home. He said he would just come over to the house since I have more cooking supplies than he does. I was thinking maybe the comment I made this morning was the reasoning behind that, so I told him I would still come over if he really wanted me to. He said no that was okay.

     

    A couple of hours later he arrived with the fixings for dinner in hand. He did a great job. Another opportunity for me to affirm him, which by the way his love language is words of affirmation—I’ve definitely noted this. I did not feel right bringing anything up during dinner (i.e. the truth behind what I said this morning and today’s dare). I wanted to wait until we were sitting on the couch with no distractions.

     

    This dare brought up a lot of emotions for me on top of the vulnerability I was already feeling. Last round I confessed the complete truth about my wrong doings with a guy friend. I knew if I could do that then the conversation tonight was going to be a piece of cake right? Ha!

     

    Before I go into the conversation I need to set the scenario—I mentioned a week or so ago about God laying on my heart to not continue with the Bible Study I was in due to the OM’s sister being a part of it. I was not sure how to go about telling her until last week. I sent an update email on my husband and I’s situation to her and another gal that was in the Bible Study who I was going to go to dinner with tomorrow night. I used the update email to the OM’s sister also as the opportunity to tell her about what I felt God was telling me about not continuing the Bible Study due to it still having a tie to the family, but was so blessed by the support of the group of women especially hers when it would have been so easy to shun me and understandably so considering the lines I crossed with her brother. I let her know when the invite email comes around for the next session, that I would just respond that I have had another commitment come up (in my mind—my marriage!). I did not hear anything from either her or the other girlfriend I sent the update to until today…I got the invite email and responses from both gals within a day of each other, which is right before we are supposed to go to dinner tomorrow. I have constantly been praying about that dinner. I knew God did not want me to go, but I did not want to lie, so I knew somehow some way God had a plan in all this. Sure enough I am stinking sick! LoL. Yes, I am praising God for being sick right now. I responded to both of them that I am not able to make dinner tomorrow due to a high fever I’ve had for days. Thank you God for opening that door for me! I also responded to the invite email that I was not able to attend next session. All of this happening the day of the “love takes responsibility” dare. Wow!

     

    Okay, back to my husband and I’s conversation. I started off with apologizing about the comment I made this morning. I said I wanted to be honest and so told him what I found. He apologized—he didn’t mean for that to be there to hurt me—that he did not even realize it was in there since he does not use that bathroom for showers. Well that confirmed what I was thinking—OW stayed with him. I was fighting with every fiber of my being to not ask questions. I even told him I was torn between asking questions and not because I do not want to reopen the wound again. He responded that I could ask questions if I wanted to. I said a silent prayer and God kindly made sure I understood that I was to NOT ask. That allowed me to tell my husband that I was not going to ask any. That he could not comfort me. That only God could. I then told him about the Bible Study situation and about the dinner that was supposed to happen tomorrow, but is now not going to. All ties have been CUT. All of this opened up the gates to one of the HARDEST DEEPEST conversations I have ever had with him. He expressed that I haven’t changed. He asked if I felt he was equally to blame for our marriage. God and Satan have nothing to do with this. There is no proof that God has been working in you or our marriage. It is your own strength. He said that I keep throwing God in his face. He felt that my “letting go” that I had expressed the day before he told me he wanted a divorce was me not caring anymore. Just one thing after another that started escalating my emotions to a level I was so not comfortable with at that moment—anger that I have not felt in a very long time. I could not believe what I was hearing after what we have been experiencing lately. I prayed for WISDOM and GUIDANCE over and over as the words continued to flow. Prayers answered…

     

    I told him I did not want to walk on eggshells around him—that I wanted honesty and trust in our relationship. That Christ is a vital part of my life. He said he knows this. So—my answers were just that—complete honesty! I started off that by no means have I ever meant to throw God in his face—that I am aware of his non beliefs. I told him again I am a COMPLETELY different person and that it is through Christ this change has happened. I expressed to him that he knows who I was—especially on an emotional level. That if I had not experienced this change and the strength that God gave me that I do not know how I would have gotten through another day after he told me he wanted a divorce and even the ultimate betrayal—him sleeping with another woman. I told him I do not expect him to see overnight all the changes, but he cannot keep pulling from the past. In order for us to move forward the past has got to stay in the past—that we are to not play the blame game—we both deeply hurt each other—forgiveness needs to come from both of us—my letting go was giving control to God—which was no easy fete since I have a controlling/perfectionist personality (husband is well aware of this)—it was not me caring—I cared EVERY SINGLE day—I cared even when he told me I was crazy and that we would never work out—I NEVER stopped caring. I explained that God and Satan does have something to do with our marriage—that Satan wants to destroy it and will do whatever he can to do so. God was even speaking to me when I was going through my own horrible choices, but I rejected Him. Neither God nor Satan is to blame—we still are given a choice. We BOTH made wrong choices. I finally was able to tell him that I am MORE in love with him than I ever have been. He asked why? How? I said it is an unconditional love that only comes from one source. Then silence—and the following song started playing—I could not believe it—and was hoping he was listening to the lyrics—

     

    Before the Morning—Josh Wilson (http://youtu.be/mfWAG-bnttQ)

     

    Do you wonder why you have to,
    feel the things that hurt you,
    if there's a God who loves you,
    where is He now?

    Maybe, there are things you can't see
    and all those things are happening
    to bring a better ending
    some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see


    Chorus:
    Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
    that you still have a reason to sing,
    'cause the pain you've been feeling,
    can't compare to the joy that's coming

    so hold on, you got to wait for the light
    press on, just fight the good fight
    because the pain you've been feeling,
    it's just the dark before the morning

    My friend, you know how this all ends
    and you know where you're going,
    you just don't know how you get there
    so just say a prayer.
    and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
    life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
    but you'll see the bigger picture

    [CHORUS]

    Once you feel the way of glory,
    all your pain will fade to memory
    once you feel the way of glory,
    all your pain will fade to memory
    memory, memory, yeah

    [CHORUS]


    com'n, you got to wait for the light
    press on, just fight the good fight
    because the pain you've been feeling,
    it's just the hurt before the healing
    the pain you've been feeling,
    just the dark before the morning
    before the morning, yeah, yeah
    before the morning

     

    About half way through the song he let his emotions go. Tears flowing…he said he is soo tired of feeling like “this.” He said he feels he is just existing. He admitted to seeing change in me and that I should not have to prove to him over and over again that I have. I told him it seems as if he is still holding on to anger and control. He agreed. I told him he has got to try and let go. I affirmed that it is so freeing when you do and it does NOT mean you do not care. He just turned to me and gave me a big tight hug. I knew at that moment God was present—in absolutely every way possible—He was there—guiding me in my words that were thankfully not out of the anger that had started surfacing, but out of complete LOVE for my husband.

     

    Some of the things my husband said tonight cut me really deep and it had nothing to do with the affair or our past, but everything to do with my walk with Christ. I was able to tell him that I honestly had rejected God over and over again—I was leading a lie of a Christian life, but He was still there waiting for me with open arms. I PRAY tonight that my husband remembers that—that Christ is waiting for HIM with open arms. This road to reconciliation is definitely not an easy one, but when has this journey been? It is all about learning and growing in Him. I told God again tonight – use me however you need to. I have no hesitation in saying that. I will do whatever it takes for my husband to come to Him.                                     

  • Your testimony has come through. Do not let him make you think anything else. But right now he is in denial because to someone of the flesh of the world, this means there will be change from what he remembers the good times to be.

    His emptiness will become more and more as the days go on because he will desire what you have and he will come to realize the only way that is.... is Christ.

  • Thank you for that encouragement. Definitely needed!

  • Always

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