I did the dare a bit backwards today. My husband did not want to meet me he insisted I say what I wanted to say on the phone or text. He decided he needed some time and space alone this weekend. Normally I would not let him or put up a huge fight to keep him from going. I did share with him how I felt about it which was mostly selffish on my part. So normally I would be freaking out or driving all over to look for him or check on him. BUT I'm chosing to BE STILL and Let GOD do what he needs to do. I'm chosing to stay calm. Am I worried where he might be? Sure you bet. Last time he did this he was with her. Well I cannot control him or make him do this or that. I surrender. I am giving it over to GOD to handle. I trust GOD will take care of me no matter what. I chose to LOVE my husband right now. So back to the dare....we were texting most of the day and I did end up texting how I had messed up and treated him very badly during this marriage. I said hopefully one day he will forgive me. I apologized and he told me STOP! I think he feels like I apologize but then nothing changes. I told him I could never repay him for what I did nor take back what I did. I can focus on changing that now. I am committed to changing and realized that I was very wrong. I feel sad becase part of me feels him slipping away more and more and I don't want to lose him but I know it's not up to me to make him stay or go. He has to realize things for himself so in the meantime I have to give him over to GOD. I will continue to focus on me and this journey with Christ. I hope I can truly begin this walk now. I will spend some time before bed doing the part of the dare praying and asking GOD for forgiveness for all my wrong doing. I will keep my focus on CHRIST and how much he loves me and will get me through this.
Dont think of him slipping away. It is your flesh fighting you. Telliing you if you dont do this or that, he will be gone.
And again, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result!
Let Christ do it. Yes as you grow in Christ, your husband may get worse. He will spite what is going on with you. He will spite that there is no longer a justification to do what he does. That is where Christ is coming in with conviction.
That is also why Christ needs you to be the testimony, to show that no matter what, Christ is glowing in you!
The tables will turn. But you need to BE STILL.... And let God!
Yeah it's just so weird......I'm more calm for the most part and he seems to be really struggling unless it's an act. Hard to tell with him. He seems pretty out of it, lost, withdrawn, tormented, etc. I feel bad for him. I wish I could support him but he's made it clear that he cannot go to me for support. He has some pretty negative feelings about me and how I have treated him. I know the best thing to do for him is pray for him which I do. I will also continue to try my very best to LOVE him each and every moment like Christ loves me.
Yes I've definitely been doing the insanity thing long enough. Had some minor moments of going back to that insanity today BUT for the most part was able to just stay calm and TRUST that GOD will take care of it all.
I'm not looking forward to my husband getting worse but if that's apart of GOD's will then I will try to best to accept it and keep focused that GOD will turn this all into a blessing somehow and someway.
Trying hard to be still. Not easy for a control freak BUT I'm learning to do more of it each and every day.
Look at it this way. You are a control freak and Christ is a control freak... LOL.. Who do you think will win?
The part about your husband getting worse. It is only because he will see your life changing with Christ. He will see a happiiness within you. And in his conviction, torment state of confusion, he will react. He will also need to get a reaction out of you to prove it is not real....
But as you testimony shines through, it will fall away, it is then he realizes Christs love in you is real, and he will want the same in him!
Wow that's a great point. Well I stand no chance against Christ!
The whole thing with my husband. It feels like such a game you know. And man am I just so tired of games. BUT I understand that it's all about this process and journey we are both on to hopefully end up on the other side......better, happier, more loving and more united with Christ then ever before.
I hope he will be able to see this. He's been focused alot on negative stuff but then again so was I until I found this incredible journey and it has changed my life. I can only imagine how blessed I will be once I completely give everything over to GOD and TRUST him and LOVE him.
And it is your testimony that will show your husband what he is missing and he will desire everything you have!
I hope and pray this will happen. I want to be that testimony. I know I will need to be that testimony every single day in every action that I take. How incredible is that. WOW
It is bigger than you think. But soon you will see.