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Day 24: Unsure and Tired

Day 24: Unsure and Tired

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  • I struggled with trying to figure out what I lust for and tried to read several things to help job my thoughts.  I guess if I look at it in the sense of what am I putting above GOD it would be my anger, resentment and hurt that my husband has caused me from this affair and past things he as done.  So the lust would be unforgiveness I guess.  I also lust for control.  I'm a control freak so I try to control everything.  This is a battle for me.  I think I have managed to let go of quite a bit since the beginning of this year.  It's an ongoing struggle.  I suppose I also lust over yelling, screaming, swearing when I"m upset.   I feel tired.  Tired of trying to make this work and do the right thing because I feel like I've been the only one trying in this marriage this past year while he is off having an affair and lying and scheming and manipulating and betraying me.    It feels unforgivable but I know there is no sin I have committed that Christ would say is unforgivable.  So who am I to say this.  It's this whole not following my heart.  I know I have to lead my heart.  It's so hard at times when all I want to do is yell and scream "how could you do this to."  BUT then again I'm sure Christ has felt the same way about me. 

    It feels discouraging and hopeless that we can't really have a simple conversation without it most likely turning into an argument.  I feel like some of the stuff he says is so insensitive.  So I told him that calmly and nicely tonight whereas before I would just go off.  I think i feel discouraged because he has locked himself in the depreciation room and it feels like he is holding me hostage there.  I'm trying to fight my way out of that room.  MY only options are to keep trying or to give up.  I can't give up.  Christ has never given up on me.  I pray GOD will give me the strength, courage, wisdom, guidance and for his will to happen in my life.  I pray that I will get out of Christs way so that he can do what needs to be done and only he can do in my life.  I yearn for some peace.

  • Yearning for peace. It is right in front of you. In fact, now that I realized what day you are on, I think you are closer than you think.

    But I think there is something that is missing. Because if there wasn't, you would have the comfort of Christ. All your voids would be filled.

    So after reading this post again, I noticed something. So I looked again through a couple others.

    I do not think you have forgiven him for the affair. And without doing that, you cannot get right with Christ. You may want to forgive him, but I do not think you have.

    This statement - "Tired of trying to make this work and do the right thing because I feel like I've been the only one trying in this marriage this past year while he is off having an affair and lying and scheming and manipulating and betraying me"

    That is complete selfishness. And it was not just mentioning the affair that gives me that thought, it was the details that came with it. This is your pride getting in the way.

    God wired us all with a sense of pride. But we abuse it and corrupt what it was intended for. And when it is stepped on, we go into the flesh!

    For example. The facebook thing. He deleted it now. But why make a big deal of it. Go about your way and focus on your relationship with Christ. Let Christ deal with that.

    One of the greatest things about a walk with Christ is that He will endure our burden, if we just hand it over to Him!

  • Here is something that occurred to me along the way which may help you.  Christ doesn't and isn't going to ask me why my spouse does or doesn't do what she does.  He's going to be asking me about why I do or don't do what He's tasked me with doing.  There response is irrelevant to whether I obeyed Him or not.  So it doesn't matter if you're the only one trying because you're the only one who is going to be called to account for what you do or don't do.

    Generally when we are so focused on what other people should or shouldn't be doing it's to avoid dealing with what we ourselves should or shouldn't be doing. That's just my own experience.  The ole plank in ye own eye.  Let go and let God.

  • Sean - I think it's definitely GOD saying something that the next dare is Forgiveness.  Irony?  Nah.  GOD speaking loud and clear probably.    NO I have not forgiven him.  How could I when he kept it going on and on and still has contact with the other woman and her friends?  Then I read something today on another post.  That I have to forgive him over and over again for each and every act of hurt or pain or whatever else he causes me.  I don't know what I thought it would just be this one time big forgiveness thing.  Does that make sense?  I know Christ has forgiven me repeatedly and even for things that I have apologized for over and over again right?  I think I made a step in that direction today which I will post about on today's dare.  

    UGH the selfishness sucks.  Yeah I'm selfish and I felt justified.  That's the problem.  And yes of course I let my pride get in the way because I was/am so hurt.  I have no right to be selfish.  I have the right to my feelings but not what I do with those feelings.  

    He told me about deleting the FB yesterday and I thanked him for letting me know.  Problem is it has come up in conversation.  For example, my reminding him I feel like this because you just did this.  Most recent thing he has done that has hurt me.  So do I just never bring it up again?  That will be hard but I can try.  I did some of that today.  I gave some of my burdens over to Christ cuz I told him I am done worrying about it and I needed him to take care of it.  Felt good to do that.

    Jason - Thank you.  You are right.  I have focused alot of time and energy on what he has not done or is doing.  I've been slowly trying to let that go. The Love Dare has helped me with that tremendously just to stop and think.  I'm trying to let go and let GOD but I seem to do it and then take it back.  I need to do it completely and not take it back.  I know I have to do it but I've been fighting it cuz I'm so used to doing things my way.  I try to do this when things arise.  I just have to keep turning to GOD and not react or rely on how I am feeling.  Always ends in disaster when I do that.  You are so right.  GOD will only be interested in asking ME about ME.  He will deal with my husband directly.  Thanks for that perspective.  

  • Be selfish in a different way. Knowing by trusting Christ and loving Him first, that your marriage will never be better!

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