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Day 23: Baby steps

Day 23: Baby steps

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  • I took some baby steps today.  I tried to give up being so controlling or anxious.  I reverted back to some of my old crazy compulsive behaviors but I was also able to take a minute and be STILL and not do anything.  that's progress.  I read some great posts on here about how an addiction could be behavioral.  I think mine are definitely anxiety and control.  I know it has very much interfered with my heart and choice to love my husband.  We went to a great new steak house for his birthday. He loved it and I was glad.  Unfortunately we did argue some at dinner but the silver lining is he was able to open up about things he had not told me about before.  It was hard to hear some of the stuff he said but I tried to just digest it without going off on him.  Something occurred to me at dinner.   I have been SO busy trying to control him and obviously that has not worked out at all.  It doesn't help matters at all.  Based on some things he said I feel like he's waiting for me to change first.  My revelation is that he might be capable of changing anything until he sees me doing it.  I can justify why do I have to be the one that changes first when he had the affair.  Well I have messed up too.  I have treated him badly for years.  There is no comparison regarding his affair and how I have treated him.  I don't think he feels I have tried to change enough.  I felt that he still has alot of hurt and resentment from all these years.  I realize I must do what I need to do to make these changes not only for me and because GOD wants me to but also because our marriage depends on it.  My life with him depends on it.  I hate the distance and all the negative stuff that's there but I know I must go through the ugliness to come out beautiful on the other side.   I have hope GOD will provide me all the Love and Guidance and Wisdom to do this.

  • WOW. I am almost at a loss for words.

    A couple things. First and foremost. WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING ABOUT THE AFFAIR?

    It happened, its over. Move on. But not like the flesh, move on with Christ as your guide.

    You will never be able to get out of the depreciation room as long as you allow things to be written on its walls.

    And now you are justifying things for him. He is waiting for you to change? These changes need to be for Christ, not him. This journey is between you and Christ, to strengthen your relationship with Christ. Yes, your husband is the tool.

    I can tell you one thing. In the time you have been here, you have changed. PERIOD. I do not even know you and I can see it from your posts.

    Do you want change? Then let Christ mold you. And allow your testimony to shine through. That will change him I assure you.

    If you are trying to change for your husband and not Christ, I am here to tell you now, your husband will never be satisfied! That is human nature.

    But when you are new in Christ, every relationship around you is different. You must love Christ first to love others better.

  • OH WOW. that's not a good thing that you are a loss for words.  We always talk about the affair.  Big mistake always leads to arguing.  I have cut way back on my questions or comments about the affair since the dare.  I don't feel it was over when he maintains contact with her friends and family on FB and made the choice to go see her two weeks ago.   I have explained that is not ending things.  You can't have contact with anyone that has to do with her.  SO anyways today he finally removed them on his FB and deactivated his account.   But ultimately he will have contact with her, see her, do whatever with her cuz he has free will.  I will never know really what he is doing.  I don't trust him or believe anything he says cuz he has done nothing but feed me lies this past year to cover up the affair.  He has always lied.  He's a pathological liar.  Lies about everything.  That's how he grew up in his family.  SO anyway I'm trying not to ask him any questions because it only frustrates me cuz I don't believe his answer anyway.  So why bother.  

    Yes I have to rely on Christ and get out of that deprecation room.  I have been stuck in there for too long.  Wasted too much and energy in there.  

    I think what I said came out wrong.  I don't mean to justify anything for him.  I was trying to understand what he is sharing with me and what he thinks.  I'm fully aware I must change things for CHRIST cuz CHRIST needs to be first.   This will then give me the love and strength I need to love my husband better and love all those around me better.  

    I am trying Sean to make changes.  I will keep trying.  I won't give up.  I want to be closer to GOD.  I want to love CHRIST like he loves me.  I want to love my husband like CHRIST loves me.  I want to survive and come out of this a better Christian, a better wife, a better friend, etc.  

    I'm starting to get the testimony part and how crucial that is and will be to my husband and maybe even to others who are struggling.    No I know I must change only for CHRIST not my husband.  

    Thanks again for all your support.  I thank GOD for you!  GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY SEAN!

  • One of the hardest things I had to come to terms with on this Journey is that you cannot "fix" your spouse.  Took me a long time to realize that.  But the good new is you can leave him to Christ and thats alot better then anything we can do.

    Affairs are difficult, no one likes rejection.  But the more you talk about it, the more it will only remind him of the way things were and he will raise his defenses.  I think, (well I know because she told me) one of the turning points on my journey was when my wife admitted to having an affair after lying about it for so long and I (thanks to gods grace) told her I forgive her, no yelling swearing loosing it etc.  (Mind you I'm the same person that threw a cup of starbucs at my wife before I really got unconditional love).  Remember - Hate the sin, not the sinner.  We live in a fallen world and we are all sinners.  Draw strength from the passion of Christ - he was abandoned and rejected by his closest friends and forgave them and his persecutors.

    Nearly everything I have read about infidelity has one resounding theme - the couples that overcome it are always stronger then they were before it happened.  I hope that is me someday and I hope the same for you!

  • Here is something new for you.

    It is OK not to trust him. But when you trust in Christ, and walk with Christ everyday, you put every ounce of trust in Him. He will be your guide and protection. Knowing that no matter what happens in life He will not only get you through it, but bless you in the outcome.

    When you put your marriage in Christs hands, then He will work on your husband and mold him they way He did you. But one very important piece is your testimony. You husband will desire what you have in Christ!

  • Jasper - Thank you for your words and encouragement.  Yeah I have realized this too that I cannot change or fix my husband no matter how much I desperately want to.  It's not up to me.  It's up to GOD.  Just so hard to give things over to GOD cuz I try to control things.

    Yeah I have to do a better job at not letting our conversation deter to the affair.  I have made an effort not to ask questions about the affair or share whatever thoughts or images I am having.   We had a turning point similar to that but it also unfortunately included him lying and betraying me again by going to see her.  We were for once able to talk about the affair and he did finally admit a lot more of what I had been asking for months.  For once I didn't yell or scream or swear at him.  

    I do hate the SIN.  but at times I also hate the sinner.  I know I have sinned tremendously too.   YES I need to remember that Christ was persecuted and betrayed by the people closet to him and he forgave them.  So who am I that I cannot do the same?  It's SO HARD because of my pride...because of my hurt and selfishness?!  I have turned to Christ but I need to do it more and more often especially in those crucial moments where I just go off.  

    Yeah I have read the same stuff about couples who have made it and seem better and stronger after an affair.  I even know of a couple and they are an amazing testimony that it is indeed possible.  Because after all all things are possible with GOD!

    I hope we will be one of these couples too.  If not at least we will have learned the greatest gift of to love unconditionally.   I will continue to pray for GOD's will in my life and the wisdom to understand it.

    Sean - I am trying to do this.  I am trying not to worry about my husband and what he is doing or not doing.  It's not easy but I know I must.  I know I have to trust Christ more.  I know all these things and can say them and my mind knows them but I think my heart is fighting this at times because of how I feel.  Yes I must LEAD my heart.  I know what I have to do ......why is it so hard for me to just do it????  because I have been used to doing it my way for so long right?  UGH!

    How do I put my marriage in Christ's hands?  By doing this Love Dare?  By trusting Christ?  By giving it all over to Christ?  I just want to make sure I get it.  I pray Christ will work on us both and mold us both but yeah my husband needs to see this testimony in order to desire it.  If he sees nothing but the same crap then we are just stuck in the same mess and nothing changes or is better.  

  • One of the great things in this post is you admitting your pride is an issue. And I would also like to point out something. Last night in our Bible study, we were discussing how Christ will pick that one thing we have that prevents us from total commitment.

    I think your is pride! Your pride is getting in the way of your walk with Christ. And I believe that is why there is such a focus from Christ on it. He wants to break you of it.

    All these arguments you have, Christ is making them come out. He will work on you until it is fixed. Praise Him for that.

    But yes, you must realize that Christ is molding you. And to help Him fix this. You have to commit to prayer, and devotions. When those thoughts come, take them to Christ. Immediately. Dont wait. Go into your room and commit to prayer. This is how you build your relationship with God.

    Dont look to your husband for answers, look to Christ.

  • I spent time today reading about pride and how GOD hates it.  I wanted to understand how I was letting ths stand int he way of my love for Christ and this journey.  I think I finaly get it.  It's about not wanting to give up control and trust Christ completely with everything.   You are so right  about how he wants to break me of it.  Because I sit here at this minute calm wtih some peace while I'm not really sure where my husband is.  He said he really needed some time and space apart this weekend.  He said he would sleep at his work.  I could go check but what will that do?  Am I worried about where he is?  SURE.  But I find peace in knowing that no matter where he is or what he is doing GOD will take care of me.  I cannot control him or what he does.  I have no control.  I think I am finally able to let go and trust that GOD will take care of it all.  Is it hard? SURE.  But it's so much harder when I do it my way.  I surrender to the fact that GOD loves me no matter what and forgives me no matter what I do.  How blessed am I?  How can I not share this with my husband then or treat him this way since he is the one I love most in this world.  Yes of course I have to love GOD first so that I am even able to do this.  

  • And in that walk... Christ will work on your husband, without you getting in the way!

    But again.... Christ cannot do those things until then! Trust me, I have seen many many times. When you get out of the way Christ will bring him to his knees as well. But in Christs time and not yours!

    You will see, it is always the perfect plan in your life.

  • I am trying to having faith and hope and trust that Christ will work on my husband and on me.  Yeah I just need to have conviction and leave it all up to Christ.

    Thanks for the encouragement.  

  • The toughest fight is with your own flesh! But Commitment to prayer seeking out the guidance, the wisdom, the strength, is the only way.

  • Sean....I did just that today!  It felt incredible!  I was having moments...negative thoughts and images and normally I would just share them with my husband or start crying and want my husband to comfort me.  I held on as long as I could.....went to the bedroom....shut the door...turned on some music (to fade out my crying)  and just wept and prayed for GOD to help me through this.  I was listening to a beautiful song "His Strength is Perfect" by Cece Winans and it was exactly what I needed to feel GOD's love, comfort and strength.  I got myself together and then went on about my business.  

    Something kind of sad I  realized today is that my husband's presence is a trigger at times.    As much as I want to be with him and show him love.....I think his presence also makes me think of negative thoughts and images.  It's like the double edge sword.  He betrayed me and hurt me badly yet I'm still trying to hang on and love him.  I know CHRIST will give me the strength and guidance and wisdom to master this difficult situation.  I think focusing on hating the sin and not the sinner might help.    I don't have to think about the bad stuff as much when he's not around.  I am certain this will dissipate.  In the meantime I'm handing it over to Christ to deal with cuz I'm tired.

    I feel like it's was GOD's will to make sure I heard today's sermon on forgiveness that I need to forgives others so GOD can forgive me.  DUH right?  SO yes another thing I must strive to do every single day.  

  • First, dont hold on as long as you can... Do it as SOON as you can.

    Second, Christ is molding you. And Christ will not stop working until He is done! Which means any trigger that He is concerned with will be worked on. Your testimony and relationship to Christ is so important. With that said, yes, your husband will expose many things Christ is working on.

    Remember all things are a part of your growth in Christ.

  • OK I think I was trying to be strong on the outside while I was breaking on the inside.  Yeah no reason for me to just sit there and pretend and prolong the agony.    I have been turning to GOD with every single negative thought.  I also want to remember to praise GOD too.  I don't want to just turn to him only when I'm upset.  I do have so many things to be grateful for.  I need to stay in that appreciation room.  

    SO let me get this straight.....whatever my husband does to me or says to me is something CHRIST is trying to work on in me right?  I will learn to be more patient, more kind, more loving, more forgiving.  I know this is the very reason why I am where I am today.  GOD wants me to be a better person.

    Question though.....don't want to be negative but it's a possibility.  What if he continues to lie and cheat and betray me with this affair??  I know GOD does not want me to be miserable.  I know GOD wants me to be with a man who will love me unconditionally just as he expects me to love my husband unconditionally.    I know GOD wants me to forgive but I also don't think he wants me to be a doormat or keep getting hurt right?  I want to believe we can get through this with GOD's love and strength and help.  I'm just scared to be hurt again.  Although now I know and believe whatever happens GOD will take good care of me.  

  • How many times do I forgive my brother, seven times? Jesus said Seventy-seven times!

    And when you depend on earthly things and human relationships before Christ then you will be hurt and fear of hurt. But when you focus on your relationship with Christ and love Him first, then no other thing can truly hurt you, because with God all things are possible.

    In a few years can your husband cheat, sure. ... But when you are in a walk with Christ, His comfort and love is always with you.

    You are not to be a doormat. And honestly you have a Biblical right to divorce. But if you do what you think is right in Christs eyes by staying together and forgiving.... Can you imagine the blessings that would come from the Lord?

    I believe that in your situation that there is a reason Christ is working on getting your bad habits out. I believe because your husband has a shot of Christ coming in his heart. But I also believe there is a reason you got this book to take this journey first. To be the testimony he needs to see.

    Again, can you trust Christ and turn the burdens over to him?

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