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Guidance

Guidance

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  • Hi all, My situation is as follows. I discovered my wife had commited adultery with an acquaintance of mine a few months back. It was an ongoing relationship for some time. Her reason for doing this was because she fell out of love with me and didnt feel for me anymore. We have been married for nearly 17 years. She mentioned that for years she would beg me to pay attention to her and put her first, which I admit I neglected. There was a period in time when I did not show any sort of care or feelings to her. I only realized this when I started to question her relationship with the 3rd party. I discovered the affair by snooping on her phone and facebook account. I made the decision to forgive her and try to move forward and hope that she would feel for me again. To the best of my knowledge, the affair has ended. But I dont think she still feels for me. The third party belongs to a dance group that my wife is in and is very passionate about. Upon discovering the affair, she agreed to quit the group, but yesterday informed me that she is going to join back up. She says she is just to passionate and misses it to much and that there is a void missing in her life for not participating. She says she hasnt been happy ever since she quit and needs to rejoin to bring some happiness back, fi not, our relationship is at a stalemate and will not move forward. I gave her the option of our marriage or the group, last night she told me she chooses the group and apologized and told me that she does very much love and care about me, but its not enough right now. She wants me to support her rejoining, but Im struggling with accepting her being involved in this group due to the 3rd party being an active member which would mean them spending time in the same together and in the room. She says her rejoining has nothing to do with him. I watched fireproof and decided to start the dares. Boy, has it been a struggle and roller coaster ride. Ive tried to love Christ first but it seems that I spend my days thinking about her and our situation versus Christ. I want to let it go but find it very difficult. I pray to the lord for help but it hasnt gotten any easier to move forward and put him first. So confused, do I just let her join and seperate from her? Its been almost four months since I discovered the affair. On day 22 with the dares. 

  • Keep the control in Christ's hands.  With you drawing a line in the sand and giving her the ultimatum it is you taking control.

    Think of all the times you sinned and ignored God and chose not to pray in your life.  did God ever say, I will abandon you because you stepped over the line and didn't come to me?  No, He stayed patient with you, so do the same for her.

    This will be a journey, one between you and Christ, not you and your wife.  She will be used as a tool to mold you.  do a dare a day, no more, no less.  do not have any expectations of her when you do the dares.  Do not manipulate the dares to make them easier.  do not read ahead in the book other than the appendix, especially about leading the heart.  

    Welcome.  If you can, try journaling under the community tab.  There's a link in the drop down menu I think labeled Love Dare Journals.  This is where your entries will be read most often and others can help you as well.

    As you do put God first, way above her, not loving her less, peace will come.

  • Thank you Tim! Ive actually been reading your journal and am about half way through. From what I have read so far, I have the outmost respect for you. I'm scared to let her join, deep down, I think she'll go back right back to him. I think the only reason she is not with him is out of embarrasment. He does not have a very good reputation amongst the community when it comes to women. He's divorced and constanly unfaithful to women. But he's good looking, charming and physically fit. I dont have those qualities and think that is what my wife is looking for. Last night she told me she needs the dance group to have some what of a social life, that we dont have a social life or any friends she enjoys spending time with. After 20 years, now I hear this. I'm constantly struggling to put Christ first in my life but dont know how, my mind always goes back to her. We argued last night as well when we started talking about the dance group and how she can choose that over our marriage commitment after everything I've forgiven her for. She got mad and said Im just manipulating her and throwing everything in her face. Please pray for me!

  • Pray a wall is placed between her any other males.  and for the sanctity of your marriage. (I can not call any male a man that shows any interest in a married woman.)  I don't know if you really have a choice in letting her join or not.  but you can tell her in kindness, yet firmness, why you do not want her to join.  And she knows she shouldn't.  But, if she does join, or even if she doesn't.  Make certain you do not snoop.  If God wants you to know something, you will, and anything you find, even harmless things, your flesh will want to turn it into something big.  It's not your charm or looks that will capture her, it is Christ's light shining in you.  And the dares will bring you to shining Christ's light.  She may not realize what it is, but she will notice.  Even if she doesn't say so.  Yes, now she will be suddenly more interested in a social life, new friends, new experiences, really just an escape from a normal life.  Trying to prove to herself the changes she is choosing to make is worth it.  It will become routine at some point for her.  

    Mine also told me similar feelings of why she met guys.  she also said in her mind, the marriage was already over.  so that made it ok to meet the guys.  And keep in touch.

    The only way I could put Christ first was imagining a group of kids in gym class.  Lining up all the kids to pick teams.  I had to imagine that was me picking a team mate.  my only choices were Christ, and my wife.  I chose Christ, not loving her less.  Then, whenever I felt so hurt by all her words and actions, I envisioned choosing Christ as my teammate.  Then comfort came.  

    You will get there.  

    yours has the dance group.  Mine, the bars.  

    You made your point in what you think is right, and you are right.  So, at this point, let God know you are putting it all in His hands to handle.

    i would suggest reading Sean's journals, from oldest to newest.  He is who helped me out so much.

    Prayers said for you.  Also, some of us have on our phone an alarm set for 9pm eastern time on Wednesdays to say a prayer all at the same time for this community.  Please consider doing this.  

  • Do I just stay quiet and not ask any questions when she joins? Do I not ask how she is feeling about us or how it makes her feel when she first sees the 3rd party(I also agree that he is not a man for what he did, not only was she my wife, but I was his friend)thats why I refer to him as the 3rd party.

    My phone is set and I will be joining in on the prayer. I find myself not really not knowing how to pray and just start saying a whole lot of words. I do it pretty frequently throughout the day and wonder if I confuse Christ or if I'm being selfish.

    How do I get to Seans journal, I cant seem to find it?

    Thank you for everything!!

  • The part of do a dare a day, no more, no less holds true so often.  Don't ask her how she is feeling about the marriage, or how she feels if she sees him.  first off, she isn't going to want to tell you anything most likely, second off, when we ask these questions it gets in there space.  She needs space right now from you.  This is good in a lot of ways, including it gives you more time to pray, and more time for God to work in her.  3rd, when we ask these questions it is really us seeking comfort from our spouse vs comfort from Christ.

    As far as saying anything about her joining, she knows your thoughts, so really saying anything much more is getting in her space and not going to accomplish much.  She knows it is wrong but is justifying it is ok so she can feel ok with going.  But she will feel Christ's conviction even if she doesn't know what she is feeling.

    As far as the third party, pray God's will is done in his life.  For his sake more so than your sake.

    Prayer.....that's great you are in prayer often.  It often is best to set aside X amount of minutes each morning before your day really gets started.  You may have to wake up a little earlier.  And then pray off and on during the day like you are.  At the end of your prayer time.  Leave a little time for Christ to speak to you.  Just be still and open.  You may or may not sense or hear anything.  Also, so many of us pray just for God to help me with this, help me with that.  And that is good to ask for help, but don't forget to praise Him.  And let Him know how much you appreciate Him.  

    You will not confuse Christ in anything you say.  He knows your needs and thoughts better than you do.  And prayer, if you mix in a little thanksgiving and praise is never selfish.  He wants to know all that's on your mind.  

    Try looking up Sean's journal by searching schumera.  I will try to look it up as well and let you know next time I come back to the site.  I have a hard time searching this site.

    Take a moment at a time when needed.  When not sure if you should say something, yes, you have a right to protect your marriage and tell her it is not right to go. But much more than that may not go over well.

    When not sure what to say, it is often best to Be still, and know that He is God.  Just cease and desist, and let God handle it all.  He is far more capable than you.

  • This is very difficult. Never thought I'd be in this position after so many years. In the meantime while I'm giving her space, do I still cater to all her needs or just let her be. I feel myself trying to everything she expects and makes her happy. Is that wrong, should I back off?

    Does Sean have more than one journal? The one I found doesn't really explain his journey prior to reconcile.

  • His journal wasn't really what I was expecting or wanted to read at first.  But it is more of lessons we all probably need to realize in this trial.  His journal may make more sense if you read it again later in your journey.

    Be you in Christ, the best you can when around her.  Show kindness while being patient and all the while biting your tongue.  

    If I am reading this right, is she expecting you to do more and more?  

    Basically do all the things you normally would.  And be cautious of going overboard.  

    Sometimes in the beginning of the trial we try to do everything.  Laundry, shopping, cooking, etc.  Things we normally might not have done in the past.  Sometimes it is necessary to do these things because the spouse stops doing much of anything around the house.  Be careful trying to do to much, it can also get in her space and in time make her feel useless around the house if you are doing to much.

    As time continues you will figure it out.  

    In the things you question, seek wisdom in prayer on these things.  And also pray about anything I say or anyone else says to you concerning your trial and walk in Christ.  We all here try our best, but we aren't perfect in our answers.    But we have learned from good people before us on this site.

  • I'm so grateful for this website and especially for you Tim. I feel that the Lord has lead me to you and I hope that you are willing to be by my side through this journey. Especially in the next 2 weeks. She told me last night she will be joining the group the first week of April. I kept my composure and did not loose it upon hearing it. I just know that it's going to be a very difficult and scary time for me. I just pray that I am able to continue to find Christ and fully give him my all and trust in his plan?  

    I'm going to continue reading your journal and Sean as well. I haven't finished yours and do not know how your situation turned out, but from what I've read so far, I really admire you!

    Thank You!

  • Thanks for the kind words.  

    During the next few weeks keep in mind That love believes the best.

    What Sean use to say and it surely seems to hold true is that 85% of what we worry about does not happen.  10% we make it out to be way worse than what it really is, and 5%, we choose to continue to forgive and to love unconditionally.  

    evil enjoys when we fear or worry or stress.  And peace and comfort are of Christ.  So, do your best to replace worry with Christ's peace, knowing everything turns out good for those that love Him.

    Seek Christ's peace, wisdom, and strength.  God chooses the weak to show His strength.  So many people in the bible were weak.  And yet God chose them to do great things.  So, it is a benefit that this trial you face is making you feel weak.  If not, you would be trying to fix this by yourself.  And most of us are here because we did things ourselves instead of choosing to do things Christ's ways.

    Feel free to keep coming back to this part of the website.  I do not mind.  But, you will gain other people's words or help if you do a Love Dare Journal entry.  I do not mind whichever way you feel like keeping in touch.  I could not journal for, months, a year or more maybe, i can't remember.  i was to scared to, so, do what works for you best.

  • To add to the above message, yes, I plan on being on the site for the next two weeks and long after that.  keep in touch.  

  • I appreciate everything you are doing for me. I'd prefer not to do any journal and just try to keep it more personal with us two. The weekend went ok, we discussed alot of things and I finally accepted her joining the dance group and have chosen to let it be the lord will. Im really struggling with the decision but have prayed alot for help that I just let it go and let the lord work his magic. She will not start for another week or so, but I'm so nervous. I want to trust her so much, but am still hesitant and am preparing myself for the worst. She assures me I have nothing to worry about, that shes not rejoining for him, but just out of her passion of dancing. I'm just so worried that she'll fall back into his charm, because evil males like that will be persistent and try to conquer their prey. I think my wife is his prey and I question her feelings for him. If she fell for him before, what is so different now? What is going to stop her from falling again?

    I took your advice on picking my team, and Ive chosen the lord over my wife numerous times a day since then. I just hope I can keep doing it. My team right now looks great and powerful!

  • As you do a dare a day, you are doing the dares I am assuming still, she will continue to see changes, good changes in you.  She may not trust that they are permanent changes yet.  She may think this is all a ruse to win her back, then you will revert back to the old you.  so, remain consistent in the dares.

    But as she sees your good changes, she will also see what kind of guy he is, full of the world's ways and his flesh.  Christ's ways will look more attractive.

    Love believes the best.  That she is telling the truth.

    This reminds me of someone else that use to either journal or sent me messages.  He was in a similar situation.  But his wife was in a karate group, not dance.  He was really scared and nervous, but he confronted, in a kind way, letting the instructor know he was standing for his marriage, and choosing to honor Christ in doing so, and something like to leave his wife alone, she is still married.  

    You do have a right to protect your marriage.  If you do, she I am sure will get mad and act like that just killed the chances of your marriage.  but she will get over it in a few days.  

    I am not saying at this point you should or should not confront him.  But if you find out, (and do not snoop or look for evidence) he is advancing again toward her, remember, you do have a right to protect your marriage.  Like in the movie when Caleb confronted the doctor.

  • I am still doing my one dare per day, I'm currently on day 27. Ive been really struggling lately due to the fact that the day of her rejoining the dance group and encountering the third party is fast approaching. She has been so different and content ever since we discussed and I decided that if her wanting to rejoining would bring her happiness then she should. I just question her new attitude towards me. Is it because I set her free? Are her feeling turning real again for me or is she just happy that I let her get her way? Ive been struggling so bad with not snooping on her phone. I havent snooped in about three days, but I really struggle with the temptation. If I hadnt snooped before, I wouldve never discovered the affair and Im having a hard time trusting that again. Shes constantly on her phone and facebook and knows I dont like it and tries to put it away when I'm around, but every chance she gets shes on it, even if I just step out to the bathroom I find her putting it down when I get back in the room. I just think there are too many distractions on facebook that are not productive in our relationship. Im also struggling with not knowing if I'm putting Christ first or not. I sometimes feel that I dont give him enough time and that he may get upset with me. Im just not sure what I should be doing. Do you think it would be easier if we just emailed or is this method of corresponding easier for you?

  • I would struggle answering or getting to email.  Plus mine has access to my email and she knows nothing of this site.   I try to hit this site first thing at work, at lunch or during the day, and in the evening.  Though I can't always hit the site as often.

    If you have FB, strongly consider cancelling or deactivating it.  So many people try to snoop on FB.  

    Do not, at all, snoop on her phone.  Trust that God will reveal anything you will need to know without your help.  Many of our spouses spend a lot of time on there phones, FB, etc.  It can really get a person all worked up if they choose to not lead their heart and believe the best.  She could be playing games, and other innocent things, just to get you worked up, to see if she can get a reaction out of you.  It's been the case with others on this site.  

    Continue to think of her now being happy as Love believes the best would have you believe.  That she is just happy to go to dance.  And not to see him.  Dont try to read into why she is how content and happy.  Your flesh will have you thinking a ton of thoughts, and the flesh always goes to the negative.  

    let the time she spends on the phone go and also her going to dance go too.  If she chooses to do these things, you cant stop it.  Just think of all the times us guys do stupid things, lusting at the women on tv, the computer, walking down the street, all the talking about coworkers behind there backs, and our past lack of showing love to our wives.  God chose to let us use our free will.  So, do the same with her right now, let her use her free will to be on the phone and dance.  If she is doing anything against God's will, it will bring conviction upon her.  And you doing the dares will aid in working with Christ's conviction.  

    She's probably in a state of bliss knowing she gets to dance and not have to feel guilty because you forbade her to go.  And this happiness is what she is now after, she is trying to find happiness in life.  At some point, she will see, and your continued testimony will help, she will see that real happiness comes from Christ.  And the dares will bring Christ's light shining in you for her to see.

    It usually gets worse before it gets better.  And it may, because she is seeking happiness and will find out all these distractions, the phone, FB, dance, are not really bringing her happiness.  And she will then lash out.  But it wont last forever if it happens.

    place Christ first in your life, and her way below as number two.  He will bring you peace.  in time, your endurance will build in Christ.  

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