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Re: Nightmare


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  • I never joined this site until today, but have been following it periodically, when I'm looking for guidance, so thank you for the guidance you have all given me over the last 22 days. I don't normally get involved in forums and online social media type things, but I am truly distraught and need to get it off my chest. I have no idea where else to do that and I apologize in advance for the long rant.

    I am 100% positive that my wife had, or is still having, an affair.  There is no doubt in my mind, and due to her minimal efforts of trying to deny that fact, there are only two conclusions – I’m either wrong and she just enjoys having me believe it, or I’m right and she is unable to muster the effort to try to adamantly deny it.  Every time I think about her hands touching another man, or his hands touching her, or some part of him being inside some part of her, I have difficulty breathing, my stomach hurts and I get dizzy.  I was not able to sleep at all last night and I cannot concentrate on anything other that the thought of my wife with another man.  I am sick, heart broken and I feel my life has been turned upside down.  I have had dreams of her being unfaithful, over our 22 years of marriage, and I always wake up with the same symptoms, but relieved when I realize it was just a dream (nightmare).  I keep waiting to wake up from this one, but it’s not happening.  I would give my last breath to know that I am wrong about this, but I know I am not.  I don’t even like watching a movie or TV show where a spouse is unfaithful.  As far as I am concerned, it is the ultimate betrayal, and now it’s happened to me.  I also know that it was my failure to protect my marriage and my failure to show her the proper love and honor I should have, that drove my wife into another man’s arms. 

    I have loved my wife since I was 8 or 9 years old and although I never thought I would be able to stay with a “cheater”, I find myself wanting to stay and show her the love I should have.  Last night, as per the Day 22 dare, I sat down and told her that although I am certain she has an affair, that I love her and will commit myself to showing her the love and honor she deserves as a wife, no matter what she does.  I almost threw up saying it because I can't stand the thought of it, but I said it.  She sort of denied the affair, but as I indicated above, it was barely a denial.  I know it is this journey with The Love Dare and the fact that Christ is present within me, that is making me want to even try to work it out.  If I did not have Christ with me to show me how to properly love, as he loves me, I know I would not emotionally survive this.  I don’t know how this is going to go, or how I am going to make this work, but I intend to surrender myself to God and have him lead me through this nightmare.

  • Welcome.  I may put this in a couple replies so look for more than one response.

    Look at this as a journey, one between you and Christ, not you and your wife.  Do a dare a day, no more, no less. Have no expectations of her when you do the dares.  Do not read ahead in the dares other than the appendix, especially about leading the heart.  YOu need to read that asap.

    Things may get worse before they get better, but this will serve purpose.

    Consider posting next time in the Love Dare Journal section under the community tab.  more people will reply there than here.  But come back here if you can not find out how to journal there.

    The feeling like you can't sleep breath eat, etc.  will go away, once you choose to put God way above your wife,not loving your wife any less.  and you realize that no matter what she has done or if a d happens, with God you will be more than okay.  if he takes care of the sparrows in the winter where there is no food, he certainly will take care of  you.

  • She very easily can be leading you along about an affair.  Your flesh will want to believe the worse.  That's the world's way and what the world teaches.  but, love believes the best.  80% of what we fear did not happen.  15% we make it out to be much worse than it is, such as maybe she is just friends with another guy (Yes, i know this is still very wrong, but better than a physical affair.  And 5% , well, we forgive and continue to love unconditionally, just as we are to when we entered the marriage covenant with our spouse and God.

  • If you are pretty certain of an affair by snooping, promise yourself no more snooping.  If God wants you to know something you will know.  Anything you find out on your own is just more to hurt you and for you to forgive.

    Many, many of us have been or are in the same boat as you.  And many of us had the same symptoms of no sleep etc. But I promise you, if you do the dares as intended, without manipulating them to make them easier, you will find peace in this even through the hurt.  I promise people have been through worse than what you are describing and have found God's peace and comfort.  It will come for you if you choose to stay on this journey for Christ,.

  • Right now do not bring up or ask her any more about if she had an affair. It is not the time.  And let go of your imagining what has taken place.  And look at the sin in your life, and realize God forgives you, so you must for you have no choice, to forgive her as He forgives you.  He commands you to do this.  It is not a choice.  

  • several messages above.  Try to post in the other section, if you cant find it, no problem, come back here.  If you do find it, consider changing your user name to something more positive even if it means starting a new account.  Because you will if you choose get to a better point in this journey, and when you do it will be better reflected with a more positive image or user name.  

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