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Re: Guidance


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  • Not sure how to take last night. I prayed all day for the lord to help me and give me strength as I was overwhelmed by so many different emotions. I approached my wife and asked if she would be going to dance practice this week already or start next week. She told me next week. I asked her who her partner would be and she mentioned it would be the third parties brother. This person is as much a male, not a man, as the third party. She knows I'm not very fond of him either, nor do I trust him. She told me he negotiated that he would only returned to the group if my wife returned and was his partner. I went on to tell her that it bothered me that she would agree to this knowing how I felt about this male and not negotiate to dance with someonel else if her reason for returning is strictly passion for dancing. She says shes not dumb and is a big girl and has no feelings for this male. I didnt persue it any longer and continued on with my dare. Later in the day while on the couch watching TV she would check facebook every 5 minutes. I asked her in a calmly manner what was so intriguing that she needed to check facebook every 5 minutes. She reacted with saying the same reason "you check your fantasy football every 5 minutes". I apologized for that and told her I would not participate in fantasy football this year since it took time away from her and she flipped out. She told me she wants me to myself and not change for her. She feels Im not and that I'm currently like a door mat that she can walk all over. That person is not attractive to her and she doesnt like it. I told her this is the new me and that I'm doing things out of love for her. She says she knows I love her but she senses me as weak. I turned to prayer and kissed her good night and told her I loved her. What could I have done differently and how do I move forward? I'm so confused! Tonight at 9pm I'll be praying for us all!

  • Be the best you, you can be in Christ.  She feels the fear and nervousness in you.  Now I know it is really tough not to show these emotions.  But be yourself in Christ the best you can.

    Do not think of being a doormat.  Christ certainly was not a doormat when he allowed them to pluck His beard, rip His clothing off, whip Him, and crucify Him.  He showed strength.  You are too as you stand for your marriage.  

    She will say things just to get a reaction out of you. So, be slow to speak, bite your tongue, and be constant in the dares.  

    Let her phone habits and FB and dancing go now.  You have been clear in your thoughts to her.  

    she isn't going to change for you right now, so there is nothing else you can do besides show patience and kindness to her.  

    Pray for the two brothers that they have Christ's will in there life.  And also let Christ khow you forgive her and also the 3rd party in what happened.  If you can not forgive him, what helped me forgive the mine and her friend was I decided that I will share the forgiveness God gives me with them.  I could not forgive on my own.

  • Im just about finished reading your journal and I have the outmost respect for you! I wish I could be as strong as you. This has not been a good week for me. I feel that everything Ive accomplished with the dares and Christ have all gone out the window due to her decision to return to dancing. I feel weak and do not know if I can keep going. I try to pray and ask for the lords strength and wisdom but feel empty, I dont hear anything and I feel the fleshy evil kicking in. I ask the lord to give me strength with trusting him and putting it all in his hands and his will, but lately I'm being discouraged and start thinking that maybe Gods will is to let her go. I feel distant from Christ and dont know how to get back. Ive prayed for this to happen but still have no feeling. I also forgot to pray for this communitty last night as I was entrapped with emotions and trying to figure out what her decision about dance really means about our relationship. I asked her last night if she would commence talking to the third party when she rejoins and she said she would, that just broke me down. I told her I was scared of that and she said not to worry but if things reignited for them, then we just werent meant to be. Makes me feel like she really dont want us to work but to see how she really feels about the other male. As a result, I loose trust in Christ, her and the dares. I even gave in to snooping a little last night and feel like a disappointment to the lord as a result. I wish I was more like you!

  • I'm litterally LOLing right now.  What I type and what I am can be two different things.  I cant really remember all what i journaled, but I promise you, you are better off  than i was months in on this whole ordeal.  I didnt' start journaling for quiet some time.  

    the snooping.  We get on people for snooping, and I promise, it is not worth it.  And I admit, I foolishly snooped a week or two.  I looked in her clothes pockets.  Not smart on my end.  

    God may not be revealing himself to test your new found faith.  Maybe.  

    Many people hear have said the same thing, that maybe it isn't God's will for the marriage to reconcile.  But, I think that is often us wanting an easy way out of the pain we feel.  God does not want a covenant He is part of to be broken.

    If you feel weak, God will be your strength. I am poor at remembering the bible, unfortunately.  But wasn't Moses a really bad stutterer and had a really hard time talking?  And God strengthened him by allowing his brother Aaron? speak for him.  David was surely an underdog that even the most hardened gambler would not have bet on, yet, God gave him the strength to beat Goliath.  

    In your weakness, God's strength will come.  Keep praying for all the things you are praying for.  

    Don't worry about her words.  She could be saying these things to test your trust in her, to throw you off of your walk, or just to give you a little dig.  And who knows, that male may have an interest in someone else now.  Let her words go.  

    Really, all our spouses so often have no recollection of what they said.  Tomorrow, she may not have any memory of that conversation.  And if she had to respond again, it could be a totally different way, such as I just want to dance, that's it.

    Next time you want to ask her something like you did, remember even that is a form of snooping.  You were wanting to find comfort from her and hoping for a good answer.  Look first for comfort from God, and only God for right now.  

    Think of how different you would have felt if you didn't ask that question.

    WE have all asked those questions.  As you progress in the dares, these desires of finding comfort from her above God will decrease.

  • Hi Tim, I'm a mess right now. Im on day 34 and have not been able to do the last three dares. Tomorrow she returns to dance.I feel like Im losing my faith in the Lord. I do not seem to be getting any closer to him. I actually feel myself turning away and dont know how to stop it. I havent argued with her lately but she sees in my face that Im upset. Last night I told her again how I felt about her returning. She says she doesnt like to see me hurt but shes going forward anyhow. I feel like just walking away at times because I know this sounds selfish but I dont know if I can handle this. I havent really talked to her much lately. I really dont know what to say to her, it just makes me sad everytime I look or talk to her. I keep playing scenarios in my head about hows this is going to play out. I know I have to let it go and put it into Gods hands, but dont know how. Sometimes I feel like theres someone out there who will be happy with me and be capable of having a very happy life with me and this may not be worth all this pain and suffering. The only thing standing in our happiness is the dance group and this other male, who I am certain is going to lick his chops and prey when he sees her there tomorrow. I keep questioning her real reason for returning. Maybe she wants the same? I'm hoping to not forget to pray for everyone tonight at 9. I missed it last week.

  • What if Christ thought similar to your current thought?  If He thought Man, I just don't think I can handle much more of this being whipped.   Then He thought, Man I just don't know if a slow agonizing death on a cross is worth the pain.

    Do as Christ and bare your cross.  But Christ will carry your bufdens for you.  But you have to put Him first above her and the fear of the third party's desires.  If not, you are idolizing her and the marriage.

    It is tough.  I know.  But Christ is right in front of you.  Waiting for all of you.  He will be patiently waiting for you.  Seek Him and His strength.  Be selfishly longing for Him.  

    If you forget tonight.  Don't let it bother you.  You will be covered in prayer by this community.

    Do not lose hope.  You will get there.  She needs to see your continued testimony.  Read yesterday's lovedare journal entries.  Someone posted an entry you I think will relate to.  Sorry I can't remember her name right now.

    Keep posting updates.  Even when you don't like the replies.

  • To add to the above message.  Do a dare a day.  No more no less.  Meaning stop pausing in doing the dares.  And don't worry about the lack of talking to her.  The lack of communication is giving her space.  Something you don't want but she needs.

  • Tim, Im on day 35 in the dares and I choose you as my marriage mentor. You have been such a huge assist to me in this journey. I have been to marriage counselors before, but they do not relate to Christ, just worldly things. I am a catholic and have reached out to my priest in the past, but, I have benefited most from you. I praise the Lord for leading me to this site and community, especially YOU! Thank You!!

    Today is the day she rejoins the group, its going to be a tough one. She also has dinner plans with a female who Ive known for years. The two just started connecting recently and she is heavily involved with the organization that the 3rd party is president of, so Im a little worried about that as well. Just more evil temptations for my wife.

    BTW, I remembered to pray for the community last night. I was a little late, but, I remembered!

  • One more thing, do I send this male a meesage reminding him that she is still my wife, and I am still devoted to our marriage?

  • ok fellow Catholic.  One thing that has helped me is going to confession.  Take advantage of the sacraments if you are not.  Make confession a monthly thing, or a quarterly thing for you.  you will probably if you are like me and most people just be confessing the same sins over and over.  But, you will receive grace through a good confession, even if you do not feel it.

    And  thank you for the kind words.  If you find someone that you can meet in person, that would be good too.  

    About messaging the 3rd party.  I am very tired.  Car problems with my wife's car, helping  two kids buy cars, and a few other events going on, so really pray if you should listen to anything I say now.  I tend to not type good messages when I am tired.  

    I think if you were to let him know he is still your wife, it would be best to say these things in person, or on the phone.  Lastly, just like the dares, in a text or email.  I know I was too scared at the time to confront face to face.  I called at two different times and told him she is my wife still and he is damaging a family.  I sounded like a scared 4 year old with a highly raised voice.  LOL.  He never answered, so I left a VM.  

    She will hear about it from him and will act like this is a breaking point for her, but she will get over it quickly.

    Really pray about it and see how God  wants you to handle it.  But if you do let him know, do it  in kindness, showing testimony of kindness to  him to.  And pray for his soul as well.  But you do have a right to defend your marriage.

    It may be best, maybe, to see God shows you they are not just dance members in this group.  Nothing has to be done immediately.  When in  doubt in what to do, much of the time it is best to BE still and know He is God.  

    Thanks for praying.  I got about a 10 second prayer in.  I was with my mom, helpling her out with paperwork.  

    Maybe this female will shed light on this guy in an unfavorable way to your wife.  

    Keep in prayer when you can.  And remember when she tests your patience, exersize your patience, biting your tongue, then always show kindness.  The fist two dares are critical to remember.  Not saying any otgher dares are less critical, but the first two to me anyway, are the foundation.

  • to add to the above.  If there is an adoration chapel near you or a scheduled adoration time at your church, and the Stations of the Cross on Fridays during lent, consider going  to them.  I really appreciate the faith we have in the  Catholic church.  I think it will help you and I tremendously.  But you are right, many will try to help in the world's ways.  Be careful talking to these people.  Many will say if  you share, that they want you just to be happy, but Christ promises there are crosses to bare.  but you will find in the pit of this trial you are in you can find peace, then at some point joy.  It may be much sooner than you think.  

  • Thank you for taking the time to respond even with your exhaustion. I was actually going to go to confession tomorrow. I havent been there in awhile.

    Well I survived last night, thanks to alot of prayer and spending alot of time reading on this site. She came home in jolly mood and talking to her broither(who is also in the group)about dance. I was already in bed. She asked me why I was in bed already and I just responded that I was tired. She told me them two did not talk to each other during the night. I did not comment, gave her a kiss goodnight and told her I loved her. The selfishness in me would love to know how they felt upon seeing each other. She has told me this week that she needs me to know that Im not in a competition with this other male, that she does not want him, she wants us and loves me. She also mentioned that she wants us to work and is starting to enjoy our life together and feel closer to me for the first time in a very long time. The walls that I built dont want to believe her because for three years she told me she didnt want him, until I discovered the truth. I feel like when things start going bad with us, she'll go right back to him. Not sure if Im doing the right thing, but, Ive been quite short and maybe even a little cold with her recently. Trying not to pay much attention to her and focus on Christ more. Maybe it was the anxiety of her returning to dance yesterday. Not sure, but I praised the lord for being by my side last night. Not sure if Im going to confront him. Sometimes I feel that by confronting him it will give him the satisfaction.

    How are things with you?

  • At this point, with her coming to you and being open and saying things like she didn't even talk to him, and everything else she said, it may be best not to confront him.  But if God reveals somehow to you he is trying to go back to her, then remember you have the right to defend your marriage, and not by punching him.

    Love believes the best.  She is telling the truth.  Evil desires you to fall prey to fear.  Fear of the guy doing something.  Remember, 85% of what we worry about is nothing at all.  10% we make it to be way, way more than it really is.  5% we continue to love unconditaionally and forgive.

    That's great about going to confession.  Evil may see your clean soul and now want to soil it.  Resist temptation.  And make a mental note or put it in your calendar when you plan on going again.

    the new way you are dealing with her.  Being short and cold.  if that is the case, do not be cold.  But it may really be that you are now feeling Christ's peace and comfort.  In the beginning of feeling His peace, for some of us, we feel like we are taking a step back from our spouse.  And have less desire for her.  But it really is we have made the decision to put our Father way above our spouse.  We don't love our spouse less, we just don't need them like we use to for our source of comfort.  They, even in the best marriage, can not offer the comfort of Christ.

  • Keep on this journey like you are.  Just as love is a choice.  It is a verb.  something we do.  So is trusting her when she says nothing is going on between them.  

    Choose to believe her, to keep forgiving her when you get upset about thoughts of the past (and if those thoughts ever surface, replace the space they take up in your mind with prayer or reading scripture), always choose to love.

    The more you grow in this journey, the less time you will think of him and the more you will trust her.

    Keep growing.  This trial of her returning has brought fruit to you.  You went to prayer and Christ brought Himself to you more fully.  You opened the door more fully to Him.

    Keep this in mind next time fear hits.  Look at how stressed you were about the weekend coming up.  And then look what happened.  You found more peace that you have had.  And she came home saying many good things to you.  This weekend was part of that 85%.

    I will probably freguently send my replies in more than one message.  That way, if I lose what i typed, it will not be the whole message.  So, messages started above.

  • Are you still there?  How's your journey with Christ going?

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