My hardest struggle throughout this journey has been forgiving myself. I’ve asked for forgiveness from Christ, and I’ve asked for forgiveness from my husband. Just when I think that I’m good with that, the feelings hit me all over again, and the struggle begins again. I’ve felt guilty for feeling like I’ve forgiven myself. Why is it okay for me to accept that I made a mistake when my husband still harbors such strong feelings about it?
I pray about this often. I get through a few hours, and then I pray about it some more. I’ve talked to my counselor about it, but he hasn’t really helped me through these feelings. (I do think that I need a new counselor.) On this day, I went out of state with my mother in law and my daughter. We went to visit her sisters and their kids. I haven’t spent time being truly happy in weeks because I’ve allowed my guilt to bring my happiness down every time I let myself go some.
By the end of the day, I knew that today was a turning point for me. I felt truly happy surrounded by this family that I love so much. My husband’s aunt and cousins radiate Christ’s love. They live their faith. His aunt’s house has scripture about love on every surface.
I was able to eat normally for the first time in weeks. I laughed and told stories. I felt animated and enjoyed my surroundings. I know that I will struggle with the feelings of guilt, but I also know that He has forgiven me. I keep going over the verses from the Tenth Avenue North song “You’ve Been Remade”
'Cause this is not about what you've done, But what's been done for you.This is not about where you've been, But where your brokenness brings you toThis is not about what you feel, But what He felt to forgive you, And what He felt to make you loved. You are more than the choices that you've made, You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, You are more than the problems you create, You've been remade.
Here is the thing about forgiveness, even when it deals with yourself.
You cannot forgive yourself. Not at all. When you have sin, you must confess that sin to Christ. Repent for that sin. If you have sinned against another, make sure you ask forgiveness as well. From there know that you have been forgiven by Christ.
There maybe guilt feelings from time to time, but this is just you being humbled. Because you have recognized that. Tis is a good thing.
Lay that burden upon Christ when it pops up, and depend on Him. This is what He wants from you. If your husband refuses to forgive, there is nothing you can do about that, but know that you have made it right with Christ.