Not a whole lot to share today. I began the day by reviewing the dare and praying the prayer from the text. It is so very true that I am a sinner and God has proven his love for me. He proves it to me every day, even on the days when I don't hold up my end of the deal and love him as I should.
My wife and I attended church together this morning, for the first time in many weeks. Sadly it is probably the last time for the foreseeable future. Our pastor's sermon this morning was centered on "Forgiving Sin." I found it to be very appropriate given today's dare and the events taking place in my life and marriage. I don't believe the sermon spoke to her as much as it did to me.
This evening, my wife and I had another talk about things to come. She intends to sign a lease tomorrow and will move out this weekend. It was a good conversation filled with emotions. She stated that she can share things with me now, because it's "different now." Not different due to me and my behavior, but different in that she has nothing to lose by telling me how she really feels.
I'm still struggling with control. At one point, my wife pointed out that I was "doing it again." I apologized and told her it's something I'm working on and that I realize now that I should have surrendered control to God a long time ago.
I do still struggle with it. Some days I do better than others. It's probably my greatest flaw and the one that I need to pray the most about. I have changed significantly in other areas. I'm less irritable, I listen, I'm more thoughtful towards my wife and others, I'm more caring. I told my mother in law today to tell Gram we love her. I don't believe I'm ever said anything like that. I'm usually quite guarded with my feelings. I just feel more open and loving lately.
But what good is it all, what good is all of this change, if I can't complete my journey and cast aside my greatest weakness.
I've been struggling with letting my emotions lead my heart as well. One of the hardest things to witness the last few weeks as been seeing my wife with our dog. Our dog is our child. Our parents refer to her as the grand-dog. We decided that she would stay here at the house with me. I know it will break my wife's heart to say good bye to her, and it will tear mine apart watching them say goodbye. I see her hug her every day and whisper to her that she loves her. It fills me with so much sadness that she is going to sacrifice so much because of me.
I pray for strength and support. I pray for God to forgive me for my sin and my continued failings in surrendering control.
"But what good is it all" - it is all good. Because this is God working in you daily. This is all a part of your testimony. Christ will mold that out of you.
Dont worry about things you wife does not get (Church message), worry about your journey right now. You need to be up to speed with Christ first, there is a reason Christ chose you to take this journey first.
He has a plan and it is perfect. It may not seem that way at the moment, but wait and see!