Day 20 Forum: Love is Jesus Christ - Recent Threads

Day 21. I finally got it!

granehe — Fri, 02 Nov 2012 18:42:47 GMT

Read the dare. Prayed on it. Didn’t know what to expect. In the morning I got ready for work and text the kids to say good morning. While at work I prayed about the dare and God answered.

My wife has the kids and she was working. Our oldest daughter(15yrs) text me about going to movies with her friends. I told her to check with her mom and if she need a ride I work take her after work. My daughter replied back,” never mind”. So I asked what was wrong. She told me,” mom said I could go to movies but dad can not take you”. This hurt. So I prayed again. I sent my wife a text asking if she said that to our daughter, she said,”no”. But why would my daughter make that up? I then sent her a text saying that it wasn’t right to punish our daughter for our mistakes. I ended the message with,” After praying, I realized that I can no longer worry about you. I will pray for you, I will love you even if you don’t love me, but I have to focus on God and my relationship with him”. She responded that I should stop playing games. I didn’t reply. On my way home from work I asked my daughter to ask her mom again about the movies. My daughter text back,” mom said it’s ok if you take me”.

I didn’t think the dare was working until that moment. I realized that I let God worry and guide me. I stayed calm and most importantly I released myself on my wife’s decision of leaving me and wanting me to do everything. I felt so much relief. I am not worried about her or if she responds to me or if she tries to get me mad.

This is the first day that I feel good. Amen. God is love!

Day 60 - Love is Jesus Christ

BeckyA — Thu, 23 Aug 2012 13:07:46 GMT

This morning went a little different than most mornings. I usually read my dare while my husband is in the shower and then visit with him a little while he gets ready for work. I’m on vacation this week, so I slept while he was in the shower. I have all morning to read my dare, devotions, and Bible readings. I did still visit with him before he went to work, but then went back to sleep after he left. I haven’t slept in for months!

Our daughter and I got up at the same time. While she watched morning cartoons, I got all of my reading in. Her two best friends came over for the entire day. We had nothings planned. I let the girls take over all of the planning. They played for hours, then we went to lunch, fed geese, came back home and watched a movie. The girls were worn out when the day was finished. Their moms came to pick them up around dinner time. Our daughter has not gotten as much time with her friends as usual, due to the uncomfortable atmosphere in our house, so she was just thrilled with her day.

I made dinner for the family and finished the day 18 (day 58) dare. We had a nice sit down dinner and shared about our day and talked about our dream vacations.

My husband put our daughter to bed that night, and then we visited for a while and watched TV. Not much to share about this day. I’m reminded on these quiet days just how far I have come in the past 2 months. Not too much has changed in the house. My husband and I still treat each other the same. Our relationship hasn’t really changed. The air of tension seems less, but that could just be my perception of it. I know that I have no control over the situation. I can wake up every morning without being afraid that the sky will fall by the end of the day. If it should fall, I have Christ to lift my up out of the ashes.

Dust237 Day 20: Love Is Jesus Christ

dust237 — Tue, 21 Aug 2012 17:52:45 GMT

Love is the greatest and conquers all. This has been the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. The thing that hurts the most about it is when you pour all your love out for someone and recieve nothing in return from them. Not knowing where they are and what they're doing if they're even gonna be there when you wake up in the monring. Each and every day struggling to keep at it feeling like you just can't go on, but for some reason you do.

There is help!!!!!

foreverlearning — Thu, 02 Aug 2012 11:34:20 GMT

Wow!!!!! These past two days have been hard. The hardest for me out of all of the dares so far. I guess the earlier ones came easy, as I've pretty well always been a people pleaser anyway. Now we're getting down to the nitty gritty stuff for me.

Today was such a struggle for me. I could feel both sides battling inside of me. Meanwhile I wasn't sure which one to listen too. It was to much.

Then just tonight in McDonalds I read a lady's journal sharing how our past has put us where we are, here right now. Without it I wouldn't have found this book or this lovely site. Next thing I came upon another journal, sharing if I want to make good choices I just think of what God would do right now. I also came about the sayings one day at a time (sometimes a minute at a time) and it's progress not perfection. Well those things I can uphold as I've been using these concepts the last few years with the 12 step groups that's been helping me to heal.

May God bless you all for your shares here, as they have been a saving grace to me these past few weeks.

saving me everyday.

Manorahsjoy — Mon, 23 Jul 2012 19:07:42 GMT

Today I have seen that all that I need to love Christ more than I love being married, more than i love my spouse and anything else.

I have seen that God never stops saving us,but daily we are receiving salvation from various areas of our lives.

All the while, i thought I was alright, but in the days of doing these dares, i see that God is sending salvation yet again through this so that I can keep Him as my first love, always.

I see that He wants me to seek Him in every area of my life especially in my marriage because that is the area that I have orchastrated for so long.

I was asked today whether I wanted to say a prayer for God to give me love for my spouse, i said no and replied that i wanted to pray for God to give me love for Jesus.

I meant it, i meant every word and even now hours later in the day, i still feel the same way.

Day #20: Love is Jesus Christ

JasonEmigh — Sun, 22 Jul 2012 18:36:37 GMT

Odd that today is my 20th Dare and it's Sunday. I took our children to our old church w/o my wife who declined to go. The sermon was about Grace and Love, how appropriate... I think I listened more intently than I ever have before, I was very moved by the words, and at the end raised my hand when they asked if anyone wanted to pray with the Pastor to strengthen their walk in faith. I feel so much stronger having gone to church today. The kids enjoyed it as well.

When we left church, I had gotten 2 textx messages from Shelly saying that she felt attacked when I confronted her about sinning and involving our daughter. She went on to say that she doesn't care what I think she isn't a bad person and doesn't see anything wrong with what she's doing. She also said it isn't right to use God as a crutch, hide behind religion, and shove it down her throat. She is also upset that I have involved family members on both sides and said it isn't fair that she's being beaten up by people and that I have an agenda and if it doesn't work, I will return to my old self. Basically she feels like this is all an act to get her back and once it happens, she thinks I'll revert to my former self.

I held my ground and told her that no one is judging her, we're all just praying for her. I went on to say that what she is doing is completely wrong and she knows it, as she was brought up in a God fearing home. I told her that I am not hiding behind religion, just building my faith in Him. I suggested that she's hiding from religion and church because she know what she is doing is wrong. I told her that I love her, but don't like what she's doing, and assured her that God loves her. I told her I wasn't preaching to her about sinning, just that I don't want our children to be exposed to that. She stayed frustrated and told me I have forced her into it because I won't discuss separation. She said she is separating from me period. I think he's putting these words and ideas into her head, and still feel that evil is working on her. I trust that God will touch her heart in his own way at his own time.

I replied that I haven't forced her into anything, and have shown her much love. I told her that it doesn't matter if we're separated or not, it still isn't right to put our kids in that situation, or change my love for her. I said I wasn't arguing with her and told her I love her and have made a decision to live as God has planned for me to and that's not a short-term decision. At this point the kids and I got home, and she said she was leaving for the day to go to a farewell party for a friend who's going to France for 2 years. I learned later this is for "his" daughter who's in her 20's. She said she plans to come home tonight, but took clothes "just in case". Instead of fight with her about not taking clothes to lessen the temptation, I kept quiet and turned it over to God.

We ate lunch as a family and it went well for all of us. It seemed like she enjoyed it and thanked me for doing it. I did tell her that she didn't have to go, but can't make that determination. We all told her we love her and would miss her. Our kids begged her not to go and I told her this is not good for them, she almost cried. I told her that I felt people were giving her bad advice and that she could choose her own happiness. I'm praying for her still and for God to continue to guide me in this journey.

Day 20 - Love is Jesus Christ

BeckyA — Fri, 13 Jul 2012 17:18:43 GMT

My hardest struggle throughout this journey has been forgiving myself. I’ve asked for forgiveness from Christ, and I’ve asked for forgiveness from my husband. Just when I think that I’m good with that, the feelings hit me all over again, and the struggle begins again. I’ve felt guilty for feeling like I’ve forgiven myself. Why is it okay for me to accept that I made a mistake when my husband still harbors such strong feelings about it?

I pray about this often. I get through a few hours, and then I pray about it some more. I’ve talked to my counselor about it, but he hasn’t really helped me through these feelings. (I do think that I need a new counselor.) On this day, I went out of state with my mother in law and my daughter. We went to visit her sisters and their kids. I haven’t spent time being truly happy in weeks because I’ve allowed my guilt to bring my happiness down every time I let myself go some.

By the end of the day, I knew that today was a turning point for me. I felt truly happy surrounded by this family that I love so much. My husband’s aunt and cousins radiate Christ’s love. They live their faith. His aunt’s house has scripture about love on every surface.

I was able to eat normally for the first time in weeks. I laughed and told stories. I felt animated and enjoyed my surroundings. I know that I will struggle with the feelings of guilt, but I also know that He has forgiven me. I keep going over the verses from the Tenth Avenue North song “You’ve Been Remade”

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Day 20

Dan — Mon, 04 Jun 2012 01:16:58 GMT

Not a whole lot to share today. I began the day by reviewing the dare and praying the prayer from the text. It is so very true that I am a sinner and God has proven his love for me. He proves it to me every day, even on the days when I don't hold up my end of the deal and love him as I should.

My wife and I attended church together this morning, for the first time in many weeks. Sadly it is probably the last time for the foreseeable future. Our pastor's sermon this morning was centered on "Forgiving Sin." I found it to be very appropriate given today's dare and the events taking place in my life and marriage. I don't believe the sermon spoke to her as much as it did to me.

This evening, my wife and I had another talk about things to come. She intends to sign a lease tomorrow and will move out this weekend. It was a good conversation filled with emotions. She stated that she can share things with me now, because it's "different now." Not different due to me and my behavior, but different in that she has nothing to lose by telling me how she really feels.

I'm still struggling with control. At one point, my wife pointed out that I was "doing it again." I apologized and told her it's something I'm working on and that I realize now that I should have surrendered control to God a long time ago.

I do still struggle with it. Some days I do better than others. It's probably my greatest flaw and the one that I need to pray the most about. I have changed significantly in other areas. I'm less irritable, I listen, I'm more thoughtful towards my wife and others, I'm more caring. I told my mother in law today to tell Gram we love her. I don't believe I'm ever said anything like that. I'm usually quite guarded with my feelings. I just feel more open and loving lately.

But what good is it all, what good is all of this change, if I can't complete my journey and cast aside my greatest weakness.

I've been struggling with letting my emotions lead my heart as well. One of the hardest things to witness the last few weeks as been seeing my wife with our dog. Our dog is our child. Our parents refer to her as the grand-dog. We decided that she would stay here at the house with me. I know it will break my wife's heart to say good bye to her, and it will tear mine apart watching them say goodbye. I see her hug her every day and whisper to her that she loves her. It fills me with so much sadness that she is going to sacrifice so much because of me.

I pray for strength and support. I pray for God to forgive me for my sin and my continued failings in surrendering control.

Day 60 - Love still is Jesus Christ

Jenn — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 05:17:54 GMT

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Day 60—Love still is Jesus Christ

“Dare to take God at His Word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation. Dare to pray, "Lord Jesus, I'm a sinner. But You have shown Your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and You have proven Your power to save me from death by Your resurrection. Lord, change my heart, and save me by Your grace."

I prayed quite a bit throughout the day—I dared to take God at His Word as I do every day and I continue to dare to trust Him for my husband’s salvation. I also prayed for continued strength, guidance, and wisdom. I did not sleep well last night—still shocked and psyched about what unfolded yesterday. It all just played over and over in my head.

I went to work ecstatic—it couldn’t go fast enough for we had talked before he left last night about him coming over for dinner tonight, going over his lease paperwork, and him needing to print some things for a doctor’s appointment. I wanted to text and call him every chance my mind reverted to him, but knew I had to still stand firm on what God commanded of me the day he moved out—do not contact him unless told to do so. Don’t think I didn’t ask Him throughout the day…every time though the answer was no! Alright, I’ll accept, Lord, at least I get to see him tonight…

…or so I thought. I get home and changed, diddle daddled around a bit waiting for him to call/text/walk through the door/SOMETHING, but nothing. Half hour went by and I decided to start reading to get my mind off of it—God was still telling me no to contacting him. Another half hour goes by and I get a text from him—“How are you?” I immediately grabbed the phone to reply, but again God telling me to stop. Really? Okay, so back to reading…five minutes go by and he calls. “Now, Jenn, you can talk to him.” All smiles, I answer the phone. Just casual conversation—no mention of him coming over. He even proceeded to tell me what he ate for dinner already. I did not feel compelled to bring up anything about what we had planned the night before. The blessing I took out of our short conversation—his Mom and brother have talked about looking for a place to rent together since both currently live with friends and want to move into their own place (both are currently divorced singles), so my husband’s thought was they could just take over his lease. GENIUS! I told him that is a great idea and all you can do is just ask them. At least I knew he was still thinking about moving back in as we ended the conversation.

I cannot even begin to try and understand God’s work behind all of this today. It was very hard to be on such a high from last night and not get to see my husband and barely talk to him when I had in my mind all day that that was the plan—my plan obviously, not God’s. My heart is still filled with gratitude for the intense change that is taking place on my continued journey with Christ—and now my husband— who is a lot closer to getting in the same car as me on this road than he ever has before.

When I hung up the phone, the song—My Savior, My God—started playing. Christ knows my love for music as my ears tuned right into the song opener—

“I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands One who is my Savior

I take him at his word and deed

Christ died to save me this I read

And in my heart I find a need

For Him to be My Savior…”

Full song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gt0WluTpFTg

***This is where I ended my entry and as I was seriously posting it to the website, at that very moment, I got a text***

Husband: “Is the [tile guy] there?”

Me: “No”

Husband: “Is he coming tonight?”

Me: “He said he was”

Husband: “What time does he usually get there?”

Me: 630 [it is now 800]

Husband: “How late are you going to be up?”

Me: “Couple more hours”

Husband: “Can I come over?”

Me: Prayed about it first then…“yes”

Hilarious God! I no joke was laughing because of how this all unfolded. He came over for a couple hours. We just enjoyed some quiet time together. He opened up again how scared and depressed he is and going through a massive mind battle. I didn’t say a whole lot. I just listened. As much as I want him, I know it has to be baby steps. In my heart, I know everything is going to okay, but he is not there yet.

I am thanking God, yet again, for a blessed night. I continue to pray for my husband’s conviction. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this, but at least now he is letting me in as God continues to do His work.

love is Jesus Christ Day 20

Natalie — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 15:06:15 GMT

So realized something last night. And this morning as i went for my run it became more real to me than ever. I can't change anything. Everthing that has happend or is going to happen is what is meant to happen. Why am i worried about it? Why am i stressing myself out over it? I don't know. Human Nature? I've spent my life making myself miserable and God doesn't want that for me. I have felt sorry and lost, but God does not want that for me. So why am i taking it like that? Human Nature. God has forgiven my past because he is God. I have lied. I have cheated. i am a sinner. So why does my heart hold grudge for the sinners who have done me wrong when God has no grudge with me? Human nature. I can only control my emotions and my actions. Goodness i really feel uplifted. I hope this mind thinking really stays with me. Whatever happens with Angel and I, I realize that i can't force it or rush it. I will still choose to love him, but not choose to be a slave to him. I know that sounds bad, but its how i feel. I am devoted to him, but i feel like i need to be more devoted to Him! My prioties are not straight and i have realized this now. At the half way point. I love Angel and God knows that. He knows my heart. He will bless me and give me my hearts desires when the time is right. I know if i pray for it and i don't receive then it's not right. what else can i do but wait for God to lead me. I will not be perfect and God is not expecting that. I just pray he guides me for the good and the right.

Day 20 - Love is Jesus Christ

Jenn — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 06:57:08 GMT

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Day 20—Love is Jesus Christ

“Dare to take God at His Word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation. Dare to pray, “Lord Jesus, I'm a sinner. But You have shown Your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and You have proven Your power to save me from death by Your resurrection. Lord, change my heart, and save me by Your grace."

This dare was a fantastic reminder for me today - the fact that He is always willing to love me even in times that I don’t deserve it, even when I don’t always love back. He sees all of my imperfections and still chooses to love me. His love made the greatest sacrifice to meet my greatest need. As a result, I am able (by His grace) to walk in the fullness and blessing of His love. Now and forever! In turn I can now share this same love with my husband. I can love him even when I am not loved in return. I can see all his flaws and imperfections and still choose to love. And though I know I cannot meet all of his needs the way God can, I can become His instrument to meet the needs of my husband. As a result, he can walk in the fullness and blessing of my love. Now and till death. It is just a matter of time till it is recognized as Christ opens his eyes and heart.

As I continue to give God the struggle of my truth and pray about His guidance of timing, He reminded me through my daily devotions the following these past two days—

Jesus speaks of hypocrisy more harshly than any other sin. The cost of hiding our secrets is higher than the cost of confessing them. They question we must all ask ourselves is this: How honestly are we living within the body of Christ? Are we really genuine with others? We might as well be transparent now; one day, whether we like it or not, we will be.

And…

The promise of God is more important and more real—than any personal threat. What is your priority in your moment of crisis? Is it that God’s will be fulfilled? Is it that the promises be proved and plan lived out? Or is it safety, convenience, expedience, ambition, or comfort? We have a multitude of voices distracting us from the hard way of God’s Word; and only one keeping us there. But it’s the essential voice. It is the voice that NEVER leads us astray!

Even during constant heartache and being downright exhausted, I know Christ is still carrying me through and hearing my prayers. For I am listening intently!

P.S. I am at the HALF WAY mark!

Day 20: Stillness

HKOakland — Sun, 14 Aug 2011 08:37:30 GMT

I prayed to Jesus a lot today. I kept going back to the prayer that is listed for today. I kept having awful images pop up in my mind and I immediately gave them to GOD. I feel a bit more peaceful and calm today. We did not argue. I caught myself a few times getting irritated and just intentionally shut up. I did express how I felt a few times about stuff but it was done calmly. I feel like I am growing. I feel like I did a good job today Being Still and letting GOD do his work. My husband of course asked me all day what was on my mind and I would simply reply nothing. It was obvious I was preoccupied with something at times but it serves no purpose to verbalize what I am wondering about or thinking pertaining to the affair. It always ends in an argument and today I chose not to argue. I just wanted to try my best to LOVE GOD so I could love my husband. I have told him it won't be helpful for me to bring it up and I think he is used to me just telling him whatever is on my mind. I am relying more on GOD! Praise the LORD! I'm trying not to have expectations of my husband cuz it only disappoints me. I'm trying not to worry about him and just focus on ME. I'm trying not to ask him to many questions because I don't want to wonder if he is lying or not. Funny thing is it seems that now that I am backing off he wants to be more open and tell me this or that where as before i would have to ask or nag for it. That's truly GOD's work. I can't believe I am halfway through the dares. It's been a bumpy ride but I know I am growing closer to GOD I can just feel it and it is amazing. I am glad that the section now centers more on JESUS and my walk with him. I know nothing but GOOD will and can come out of this. I try to read as many posts and journals as I can and they truly do give me hope that I will be able to overcome this and become a better person which ultimately is what I think GOD wants me to learn from all this. I feel so blessed to have an incredible GOD that loves me so much.

Round 3 - Day 100

Melissa — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 11:32:32 GMT

Today's dare has a whole new meaning to me than the first 2 times around. I'm so thankful for this. I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and ask for forgiveness many times throughout the day, but it is now that I am starting to recognize when I am being selfish, prideful, and manipulating. I am thankful that God is opening my eyes to this so I can conform into the image of Christ. I must be aware of this ungodly attributes so I am able to change.

Day 20

Dave_71 — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 17:54:28 GMT

I had to get back to basics today. I praised God for His many blessings and the work He has done in my life. I thanked Him for using me my situation to touch others. I thanked Him for my situation because it has led to a closeness with Christ that I never imagined I'd have. I also thanked him for sending His Son to die for our sins... what a wonderful gift to an undeserving sinner. I asked Christ to make me more like Him and truly understand what it means to put Him first in my life.

Round 2 - Day 60

Melissa — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 20:50:28 GMT

I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. When I was 18 I chose to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. About halfway through college my relationship with God slowly started to dwindle. I always felt like I had a relationship with Him, but it was pretty much only when I needed Him. I didn't have a real relationship with Him. Not a relationship that continues to grow daily. It took my husband saying that he wanted a divorce for me to jump on the band wagon and realize that I can no longer ignore the FACT that I need Jesus in my life every second of every hour of every day.

As this journey continues it is easier to see my sinful ways. How selfish or prideful I can be. I pray for God to forgive me for these and to continue to reveal these to me so I can grow and be more Christ-like.

I will continue to accept God’s love into my life so I can share it with others, most importantly my husband.

Rd 2 Day 20

chadloveslisa — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 14:06:29 GMT

Still pluggin along doing the dares, reading my bible, and praying daily for God to do work in our marriage. I've reached the point now where I've let her go. I'm moving on to where I think I need to be so I can be prepared as best I can for whatever she decides to do.

I have yet to go two full weeks without getting frustrated, and at that point I go read my bible and pray. This is a long road, a difficult road, and a road I don't wish anyone to travel.

Everything is possible through Christ.

Day 20/Reflections

cwest — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 03:08:13 GMT

The verses Philippians 2:6-8 and 1 Peter 2:24 have always left me awed. The fact that Jesus did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped...he is God! It amazes me. I always think who am I that God should care that much. That by His wounds I am healed. I am healed through a nail through his hands and feet. What other "religion" preaches a savior going through that? What kind of God would sacrifice so much and ask nothing in return? When you truly grapple with the concept, you will be filled with his love and your cup over floweth unto others. There is a reason God used His relationship with the church as a model/comparison to marriage. We are supposed to love our spouses when they don't deserve it. Christ choose to still love us. We can CHOOSE to still love our spouses. Love is a choice, an action word, not necessarily a feeling. God created us with feelings. They are good, but they can lead us astray.

I ask for prayer for healing. I am sick right now with a cold and it is no fun. Thanks.

Renewal of Mind, Spirit, Soul

Serilium — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 18:18:08 GMT

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. - Phil 1:6

Appropriately enough this was emailed to me today. It doesn't matter how long I have been a Christ Follower. Me will continue his work on me, molding me and shaping me into the woman he wants me to be. I believe that I had not really learned to Love in a relationship. I've used the pains and torments of my past to keep people distant from me. I've built up walls to keep myself from being hurt. All the while I have isolated myself and made myself lonely.

What are my issues that keep me isolated? My negative self image is one, my feelings of unworthiness, the feeling of not being loved, and not being good enough. This is an issue that a lot of women struggle with, and I am not alone. how do I combat this? Look at the cross.

Look at God's word. Psalms 139:14-17

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me,t O God.

They cannot be numbered!

How can I say all of the negative things about myself when God knew exactly what he was doing when he made me. I am the person I am because of him. How can I resent the trials in my life because they are what brought me to this moment in time.

How can I feel unworthy or unloved when God sacrificed his Son to save me?

These are lies we tell ourselves. We are the oens that keep ourselves in bondage. Freedom is inc Christ, and in God's word.

Round 2/dare 20

forever512 — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 02:24:12 GMT

I do trust in the Lord. I understand that this is all a part of God's will for me/us/both. I am still working on myself, but I feel I am getting there. It was a really hard day for me today. I'm struggling with everything right now, but my patience is solid as a rock :)

I am a very giving person, I always have been. So it's hard for me to pretty much ignore my husband who I have to see and deal with every day. And by ignore, I don't mean in a rude way, but pretty much to keep to myself. But today, thats what I started doing again. I am trying to separate the angry reactions from it, and sometimes it's hard. For example, I have been accomodating his nutrition schedule, and though most times I don't mind, today I was not in the mood for what it called for. It was cold & my kids and I just wanted soup to warm us up again. SO I made soup. He kinda huffed about having to make his own dinner, but I didn't really say anything. We had a meeting about a new school coming into our area for our kids that we were supposed to go to, I asked him to be ready by a certain time, and I still ended up waiting for him. He asked me why I was in such a hurry & I said I was unsure of the exact location & I wanted to ensure getting there on time...lo & behold, we hit major traffic, the GPS gave us wrong directions, but somehow we managed to squeeze in just at the beggining of the presentation. I wanted to say "THATS why I wanted to leave early" but I refrained from doing so. While there, I inquired about when they think they might be hiring new teacher for the next school year so I can apply/interview. And as soon as we got in the car my husband started nagging me about why it's taking me so long to get recertified & he told me I should have done it months ago & he can't believe how long it's taking me to study. I just stayed quiet again becasue I have explained to him how expensive the test is & I want to be sure so I don't have to pay for it more than once. I explained to him how hard it is for me to study with the kids screaming & the TV blasting. I've tried to leave the house to study, but then he complains it's a waste of gas. So I can't win. So I just stayed quiet. As soon as we got home he began making his lunch for tomorrow & asked me if I used the tomato paste & I said yes. He got so angry about it becasue that was "his" and now he can't make his lunch. Yesterday I would have offered to go to the store for him, today I said I was sorry & that I didn't realize he needed it. Over the past several days he's been accusing me of spending money wrecklessly (though all I spend it on is food and gas & his "special" food costs soooo much more money!), wasting electricity (though I dress my kids & myself in layers & use the fireplace to avoid turning the heat on), and just a whole bunch of everything I'm doing wrong. Yes it get's me angry, but I am able to keep patience and pray and get over it all.

In the midst of all of this stuff, though, I overheard my husband talking to my kids today. They were excited about santa & presents & my husband teasingly said that the present aren't for them, they're for Jesus. My youngest son was a little confused (he's 3) & my husband went on to explain that Christmas is Jesus' birthday... I smiled, and still smile & I thanked God. What a blessing. The boys and I have talked about advent & Jesus' birthday & Christmas, but like many 3 year olds, they don't always retain all the information... so my husband confirming what I have already discussed with them was AWESOME!!!

I realized today how many people want to see us work things out & how many people are praying for us. It made me cry to know that so many people care so much about us, and some people I don't even know! In the end, though, I know that I am here doing God's will & trusting Him to lead me. It brings me peace when it's crazy around here; it brings me hope when things seem hopeless. In all ways, I trust the Lord.

Day 20-Halfway there

Rhocald — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 18:44:52 GMT

Today was a day! I am so disappointed in myself! I made it to the halfway mark and I lost it today! I made it til 5:15pm and then allowed myself to get in God's way-once again.

I needed him to keep the children bc I had a 7am appt at work. He responded quickly and told me he could not because he had already made plans for the evening. He mentioned to me that he wish that he had known earlier because he would have loved to spent the evening with them. Normally when he has plans he will mention what they are and that he can take the kids with him or change his plans. This time there was no mention of that.

I instantly got very upset because I knew he was going to see his girlfriend. It hurt me so very badly. I responded in email and said some pretty nasty things. I didnt attack him so much as I did her and the fact that we are still in a covenant with God. It was just bad! I FINALLY calmed down (after three emails) and told him that I was very sorry and that I should not have gone off on him. I told him that my heart was broken because I felt like we had made such progress and now this. He NEVER responded; and I dont expect him too.

I know that I have been keeping my hands all on this and have not totally given it to God. I am so sad for myself about that. I am such a fixer and I dont seem to know how to take my hands off of it. I dont want to be lazy and think, well, God will just fix it; but yet I do want to be humbled in to knowing that He will.

I just keep crying out to God and asking Him to show me that this is not my idea, but His. I am so afraid that I have all of this made up in my head that God wants my marriage repaired-even though we are divorced-and that its not truth. If this is just made up in my head, I will make such a mess of it and I will suffer great pain. Lord, I pray this is all YOU and not me.

Help me, please....

Day 20

chadloveslisa — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 17:57:59 GMT

Dare 20 I blew it tonight

Roger — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 03:23:35 GMT

Well I had not talked to the ex since the 17th. I got on facebook tonight and she had a picture of her and her new boyfriend kissing. I lost it, called her, we got in a big argument and now will probably never talk again. I even deleted her as a friend on face book. Just could not stand to look at that picture every time i did anything on there. Still going to somehow continue to grow my relationship with the Lord cause judging from my actions tonight, I need it. Just won't be using her as a tool to do it.

Day 20

David — Sat, 06 Nov 2010 01:52:09 GMT

I continue to pray, I have to be honest I am having a hard time having complete faith but I do have some. Tonight I had dinner with ny wife and her mom, it was nice for the most part but I agreed to help my wife move next week with her mom. It killed me inside but I want to help her even if its helping her move away from me.

Dare 20

AaronGJackson — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 14:54:26 GMT

Jesus was a servant. Apparently, that is what I must be to my bride. If I'm called to Love her as Christ Loved the church, then that is what I must become. That has been my prayer today. I am exhausted, yes, but not hurting. My bride, on the other hand, is hurting badly. So, I have the privilege of being the vessel of Christ's Love to her. It's not easy, but it is so worth it.

Dare 20- halfway there :)

forever512 — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 03:13:59 GMT

What a day it was today! I wasn't sure of this dare, becasue it seemed like there wasn't much to it. But it has been a powerful day. I felt the Lord walking beside me through the waves of everything today brought about. It has been amazing.

My husband decided he was going out tonight (he has fridays off) & didn't tell me. I also had plans to study...I like to escape to a coffee shop or library- the change of scenery inspires me! Well, I didn't think much of my plans because my husband rarely leaves or makes plans without telling me before hand, but when I noticed he was getting ready, I inquired if he was going out. He said yes. I simply said, Oh, OK... he asked if I had something to do & I told him I wanted to study but I can do that at home, no problem. He said he wasn't going to leave until about 9 & if I can be back before that...so that's what happened. But when I left, I was beginning to panic. The whole scene was remeniscent of a past time he was involved with someone. I took a moment to stop the car in a parking lot and prayed. I asked God to take control & everything I was feeling was lifted out of me. It was amazing. I no longer felt the panic. I understood that whatever was going to happen was out of my control & most importantly, I trusted our Lord.

I was home by 9 as my husband had asked of me, and I had a HUGE smile on my face knowing God was right there beside me! I watched some TV & let loose a bit... while my husband paced in and out of the house on the phone & texting someone constantly. He even left his laptop right next to where I sit to watch TV open and on...I found it amazing that I felt no urge to do any sort of investigating. It is now 11PM & he still has not left...not sure if he will or won't...but it doesn't matter much to me.

I am at peace & happy...it would be a blessing to have my husband beside me again, but I know that I am in God's hands & that in itself is gorlious!