I do trust in the Lord. I understand that this is all a part of God's will for me/us/both. I am still working on myself, but I feel I am getting there. It was a really hard day for me today. I'm struggling with everything right now, but my patience is solid as a rock :)
I am a very giving person, I always have been. So it's hard for me to pretty much ignore my husband who I have to see and deal with every day. And by ignore, I don't mean in a rude way, but pretty much to keep to myself. But today, thats what I started doing again. I am trying to separate the angry reactions from it, and sometimes it's hard. For example, I have been accomodating his nutrition schedule, and though most times I don't mind, today I was not in the mood for what it called for. It was cold & my kids and I just wanted soup to warm us up again. SO I made soup. He kinda huffed about having to make his own dinner, but I didn't really say anything. We had a meeting about a new school coming into our area for our kids that we were supposed to go to, I asked him to be ready by a certain time, and I still ended up waiting for him. He asked me why I was in such a hurry & I said I was unsure of the exact location & I wanted to ensure getting there on time...lo & behold, we hit major traffic, the GPS gave us wrong directions, but somehow we managed to squeeze in just at the beggining of the presentation. I wanted to say "THATS why I wanted to leave early" but I refrained from doing so. While there, I inquired about when they think they might be hiring new teacher for the next school year so I can apply/interview. And as soon as we got in the car my husband started nagging me about why it's taking me so long to get recertified & he told me I should have done it months ago & he can't believe how long it's taking me to study. I just stayed quiet again becasue I have explained to him how expensive the test is & I want to be sure so I don't have to pay for it more than once. I explained to him how hard it is for me to study with the kids screaming & the TV blasting. I've tried to leave the house to study, but then he complains it's a waste of gas. So I can't win. So I just stayed quiet. As soon as we got home he began making his lunch for tomorrow & asked me if I used the tomato paste & I said yes. He got so angry about it becasue that was "his" and now he can't make his lunch. Yesterday I would have offered to go to the store for him, today I said I was sorry & that I didn't realize he needed it. Over the past several days he's been accusing me of spending money wrecklessly (though all I spend it on is food and gas & his "special" food costs soooo much more money!), wasting electricity (though I dress my kids & myself in layers & use the fireplace to avoid turning the heat on), and just a whole bunch of everything I'm doing wrong. Yes it get's me angry, but I am able to keep patience and pray and get over it all.
In the midst of all of this stuff, though, I overheard my husband talking to my kids today. They were excited about santa & presents & my husband teasingly said that the present aren't for them, they're for Jesus. My youngest son was a little confused (he's 3) & my husband went on to explain that Christmas is Jesus' birthday... I smiled, and still smile & I thanked God. What a blessing. The boys and I have talked about advent & Jesus' birthday & Christmas, but like many 3 year olds, they don't always retain all the information... so my husband confirming what I have already discussed with them was AWESOME!!!
I realized today how many people want to see us work things out & how many people are praying for us. It made me cry to know that so many people care so much about us, and some people I don't even know! In the end, though, I know that I am here doing God's will & trusting Him to lead me. It brings me peace when it's crazy around here; it brings me hope when things seem hopeless. In all ways, I trust the Lord.
My husband just asked me to watch a movie with him, but I kindly declined. First, I knew he would be on his computer, so whats the point? And since I declined he asked why I'm being "pissy" again. To him I'm "pissy" when I don't pay attention to him- he thinks it means I'm mad at him. I'm not upset with him, but he always assumes I am. I cant win with him, so I find peace in the Lord :)
When you declined, you need to point out that you would love to watch a movie with him, but he always ends up on the computer and you are not interested in that.
Christ is working. But you cannot expect your husband to stop doing certain things if you do not confront the situation.
I'm glad you said something about that, Sean. I feel like I know I should say SOMETHING, but I get overly anxious that I'll mess up. I am still working on it. But, I will address issues when they come up instead of ignoring them. I know communicating has been an issue with me & it's something I need to work on. Thanks for pointing that out :)
Also, I realized that my day yesterday, though OK, was overshadowed by anger. I didn't want to admit it, but many of my actions were done out of anger rather than love, and I understand that THATS why I felt so crummy about everything yesterday. I woke up this morning & had some of that residual anger lingering & after praying I felt like a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I still wonder though If I am doing too much/little everyday? I do my regular "duties" (cooking, cleaning, paying bills, etc.) & I am very attentive to my kids. When it comes to my husband, I try to say good morning, good night, good bye & hello to him at the appropriate times...but beyond that I don't really initiate communication unless it's about the kids. If I am planning on doing something with the kids, I'll inform him of my plans & tell him he's welcome to join us, but thats about it. When I don't do those things I feel unnatural. It makes me feel cold inside & then the anger slips in quietly.
Why did you allow the day to go with anger? At some point you need to stop and just go pray. You have seen in the past where that has lifted the anger. Go lay it at the Lords feet.
Remember in those times you CANNOT be a testimony to those around you. So, get it out of there as soon as you know it is there.
Well, I see a lot of things that happened. First I was trying to convince myself that i wasn't angry & that i just needed to be cold to him. It took me almost all day to see how it was affecting ME as well. That's when things kind of clicked. Also, I think I got so emotional about the whole buying a futon/getting ready to move issue because I haven't been completely honest with myself. I keep saying I want whats best for my husband, but pray that he stays. I am truely letting go. It's not easy and over the past few days/hours I've been crying like crazy (in private, not in front of him or the kids), but I know it has to be done. I've been praying now for the Lord to watch over him & help him in whatever way He sees fit. I'm trying to let go of the expectation that my husband will come back to me, but that's harder to do than to say you'll do it. This time of year makes things even harder to handle...especially since last Christmas he was on this same path. But instead of focusing on him, I am trying to focus all my thoughts to Christ & His amazing love for me. Finally, I feel like I have a lot of pressure on me to save this marriage. My mother in law keeps telling em she is hoping for a Christmas miracle, my mom keeps suggesting things to do or asking how things are today versus yesterday, etc. and I just felt like maybe I'm not doing enough...
Letting go is doesn't mean I'm giving up. I have to keep telling myself that. And I can show my husband my love for him through Christ by praying for him.
Most important is to focus on Christ. Allow these dares in this journey to mold you in Christs image. Be that testimony to him and others around you.
When you pray, pray for Gods will, in your life and in his. Pray for the comfort and understanding to that will.
Allow your focus to be on Christ and put Christ first in your life, when you do that Christ will do what He needs to work on your husband.