Today was a day! I am so disappointed in myself! I made it to the halfway mark and I lost it today! I made it til 5:15pm and then allowed myself to get in God's way-once again.
I needed him to keep the children bc I had a 7am appt at work. He responded quickly and told me he could not because he had already made plans for the evening. He mentioned to me that he wish that he had known earlier because he would have loved to spent the evening with them. Normally when he has plans he will mention what they are and that he can take the kids with him or change his plans. This time there was no mention of that.
I instantly got very upset because I knew he was going to see his girlfriend. It hurt me so very badly. I responded in email and said some pretty nasty things. I didnt attack him so much as I did her and the fact that we are still in a covenant with God. It was just bad! I FINALLY calmed down (after three emails) and told him that I was very sorry and that I should not have gone off on him. I told him that my heart was broken because I felt like we had made such progress and now this. He NEVER responded; and I dont expect him too.
I know that I have been keeping my hands all on this and have not totally given it to God. I am so sad for myself about that. I am such a fixer and I dont seem to know how to take my hands off of it. I dont want to be lazy and think, well, God will just fix it; but yet I do want to be humbled in to knowing that He will.
I just keep crying out to God and asking Him to show me that this is not my idea, but His. I am so afraid that I have all of this made up in my head that God wants my marriage repaired-even though we are divorced-and that its not truth. If this is just made up in my head, I will make such a mess of it and I will suffer great pain. Lord, I pray this is all YOU and not me.
Help me, please....
First. I must point out one thing. God wired us with a sense of pride. And when it gets stepped on we tend to over react. Just like every other thing God created within us, we loose site of the purpose for it. But more on that another time. There is something here that pride is not giving you understanding in.
When you did go off, why did you attack her? He was the one making the decision.... The reason I point this out to you. He is just as, if not more wrong than her. Do you realize in this situation you are willing to forgive him? What about her? This is something you really need to think about. If you are willing to forgive him and reconcile, there is no way you cannot forgive her. Well, if you are going to be right with Christ. Don't only pray for him, you must be able to humble yourself to pray for her as well.
Now, you talk about fixing it. Sitting back and hoping God will just fix it is not going to happen. You must do your part. And right now that part is to put God first. Remember we have a jealous God, and part of this journey is learning that He comes first. Not your husband. You must allow Christ to mold you during this.
This journey is between you and Christ, not you and your husband. Focus on that.... And your testimony will shine through.