I worked late last night and stayed in the mountains this morning. I text messaged her and asked her to let my dog out. She did and I told her I appreciated it and owed her.
She called me as I was driving down and was having trouble getting a new television working. My kind act for today, I went to her place early to get the kids and set up the TV for her. She told me she appreciated it. I told her she was welcome. She thanked me like four times. I don't think she knew how to handle the fact that I was doing something nice for her but I wasn't really engaging her. I made no small talk. I did what she asked me to do and that was it. I was not happy with her plans tonight, but I wasn't about to engage in a conversation about them. She got very anxious as 5pm neared. My guess was because she had her "no pressure" date with Ryan tonight. I didn't mention it. I fixed the TV. Got the kids and left. I told her goodnight and said nothing else.
The church I have been following is starting a six part series on what it means to be a man and what we need to be right with God. I think this is coming at a good time for me. I am very excited to see what it will be like. Because I'm feeling not much like a man as the 21st approaches.
In all honesty, things are well. Things are what they are. I am at peace for the most part. I'm not looking forward to the 21st. She has given no indication of altering our path. She's out with another man right now. Things seem pretty clear.
I am here, my kids are watching a movie, we are all healthy for the most part. I am sick but getting better. We have food, we have shelter. We have all we need. I have a bible next to me which I can look to for support. I have the wisdom of others sitting around me on the shelves and I have my prayer. I have a hope. Not so much a hope that things between K and I will get better or that there will be some miracle which will keep things from happening on the 21st. But rather a hope that my life from this point forward can be better.
I was wondering today, what if I treated the 21st like any other day. At 1:30 I have a meeting, a meeting all I have to do is show up and listen. I don't have to prove anything. I don't have to argue. I just have to show up and to that, its not the end, its another step in a journey which is continuing. But its my journey. Its a journey I can choose who comes on it with me. I would love K to come on this journey with me. But I have already invited her. I have made it clear. Now its up to her. But I can't stall my journey in the hope she is going to come around and say "sure let me come along." Instead I'm going to move forward.
As the song "While I'm waiting" says from Fireproof. "I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience."
Even if K doesn't take this path with me I have a race to run. I have a path to follow. I have a future which looks better than my past.
Tonight I'm going to try not to fret about her being out with another man. Her decisions are her's and they will have consequences. I am going to focus on me and my kids and having a good evening with us.
I'm not certain she will be the focus of this round. I think the focus instead may be me, my kids and God.
She called tonight. Asked if we could talk.
She started by saying she was sorry. She said she was sorry for carrying on a relationship with Scott for the past several months. She said she never anticipated it hurting me as much as it did because we had been so fractured she figured I would have been glad to see her go. She told me her reasons for doing it, which I already knew and she said she hoped that in time I could come to forgive her for it and we could move onto have an authentic relationship, and something real between the two of us.
She said tonight with Ryan wasn't a date but it was awkward trying to make conversation with someone she didn't know and she said she doesn't want to date but she does want to be alone for a while and find a way to heal.
I just listened to most of what she had to say, careful not to interrupt and to just let her talk. After a time she asked me if I had anything to say and I reiterated my position. I told her I didn't want to see us get a divorce, but I told her I understood where she was coming from on things. I told her I had already forgiven her for her actions with Scott and that I understood them.
The conversation took 90 mins during which time there was some good dialogue but a she consistantly reverted back to the reasons we couldn't be together, most of which focused around who I had been and not who I was.
I told her I understood her position and that all she had right now was my words and how I had been with the kids to see who I have become but I told her I understood that she had no basis from which to see what any of these changes would mean for her. I told her I would love nothing more than a chance to show her, but I told her I understood her apprehension and told her again she could talk all the time she needed.
We both agreed our marriage needed to be buried and a large part of the conversation circled around why God would send her back into a bad marriage. I told her what she would be coming into would be nothing like it was as through this book and this process I have learned much about love I never knew before. I described a lot of it and told her that we wouldn't be doing it alone I asked her if she would be willing to extend the process and go through the 40 days with me. She didn't say she would but she reiterated the marriage needed to be buried. Its almost like tuesday is a symbol. So i asked her if she would consider doing the 40 days with me and still let the process go on Tuesday and see where it leads. She didn't answer, but she didn't say no.
I closed by saying I wasn't trying to manipulate her. I've seen where that gets me no where even though that is such a strong drive in me. I told her I wasn't trying to bargin her back into this relationship but that I thought we would be better together than apart. But I told her that I hold no judgements on her decisions whether or not they involve Scott, Ryan or the divorce. I told her she could take all the time she needed to sort things out and that while I didn't want to see us divorce on tuesday, I know God has this and us in his hands.
I we said our goodnights and she said she would talk to me tomorrow. I hung up the phone and I prayed. I thanked him for his blessings and the strength, and I prayed that while I wanted a miracle in my marriage, what I thought was more appropriate was his grace and mercy on K, who stated she couldn't open her bible because she couldn't stand to talk to God after what she had done with Scott. I told her he was still there for her but she was resistant to it. So I focused much of the prayer on her. I asked him to work in her heart because she needed God even more than me right now.
I am anxious but resolved. Part of it may be the hope that is coming about from the conversation, that a dialogue has been opened and she hasn't shut the door. Or part of it may be a peace that comes from trusting in Him to handle things. Something I am not that good at but something I am working on.
He's never late. He has this in his hands. I can trust him.
You are doing the right thing. Don't fight it.
Take the movie and the book over to her. Tell her to watch the movie buy herself with no phone or anything to interrupt. Then tell her to read from the cover of the book to day1 but not day 1, and the entire appendix. Then tomorrow morning start day 1.
Make sure you let her know that this will open her eyes to the conviction she feels at this time. Tell her not to worry about your marriage at the moment. She needs a new journey with Christ.
And if she wants comfort from her mistakes. She MUST talk to God. She must confess to Him, then repent in prayer. that is the only way for this guilt she has to go away.
DO not push her with this. Just say it, and that is it.
before I forget. DO NOT do the dare with her. This needs to be her journey with no chance of manipulation.
So if you give it to her, let her know that she needs to do it on her own.
She already has them it sounds like. So I guess I will leave the seed planted and let God water it.
I feel like part of last night was her continuing to rationalize her decision. I don't know though.
I feel wrung out. Like I was in a brawl all night.
I am tired and need to sleep some more. Still sick.
Look to Christ. Trust in what He is doing with her.