Collaborate without boundaries

Day 18

Day 18

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  • Today is Day 18 of The Dare.  My wife emailed me today asking if we could talk this evening.  As I expected, when she got home from work, she informed me that she has been approved for a condo, and simply has to provide a move in date for the lease, before she can sign it.

    I knew this was coming.  We both handled the conversation well.  She did better than I did.  I was a bit emotional, but not angry.  I told her I didn't want her to leave, and that I don't agree with her decision, but I understand why she's doing it.  She thanked me for not being a "jerk."  We both laughed over that.  When I asked, "Why did you think I would be a jerk," she replied, "I don't know what to expect from you lately.  You seem a bit... unstable."  We laughed about that as well.  I'd like to believe she assumes I'm unstable because she's confused as to where her old husband went, and what this knew guy is all about.

    She knows that I have a renewed faith and commitment with God.  I have shared bits and pieces of the last 18 days with her.  She's unaware that I am completing the dare though.  

    We had a very nice conversation actually.  We both confessed that the situation is very weird.  We don't hate each other.  We don't wish each other ill will.  She's just not happy here, or happy with me and wants to move on.  We don't fit the stereotypical model for divorce.  I told her I realize that I took many things for granted in our marriage and that I am making changes in my life (I didn't elaborate beyond that) and that I'm sorry for any hurt I've caused her.  I told her that I feel as though I hurt her, it all happened in this house, and she wants to get away from the hurt.  I understand that, but I wished that she would reconsider.

    I asked her if moving out was just an opportunity for her to be alone and clear her mind, or if it was the first step in her plan to get a divorce.  She said she didn't know.  She has never really had a chance to be independent in her life, and I think that is what she is seeking.

    The discussion turned to when we would inform our parents.  She isn't sure when that will happen either.  She said doesn't want to tell them, so I offered to do it.  She declined and said she'd probably send them an email.  

    I did choose to tell her my story from yesterday, about when I prayed for God's love to support me, and her mother ended up calling me shortly after.  She had previously mentioned that it was weird that her mother called me, and to top it all off yesterday, my father in law called me later that day to wish me a happy birthday.  I don't recall a single time in our marriage that he has ever called me directly.  He always calls her and then asks to talk to me.  She admitted that was very strange as well.  It was selfish of me to share I think, perhaps I was leading with my heart, but I felt compelled to let her know that I fully believe Christ is working in us every day.

    Any way...  The Dare.   I fully intend to follow through today regardless.  Dinner has been cooking all day.  She has agreed to eat dinner with me this evening.  I look forward to completing the dare and continuing to ask her questions and to hear her out and understand her more.  During our conversation this afternoon, she did point out that I was never a good listener.  I realize that now and resolve to do better.

    She may be having a hard time understanding that Christ is working in me, and in us, but I realize it.  I know the days ahead will be rough and their will be tough decisions, but I accept that it is out of my control and that I must remain calm and continue to maintain the form that he has shaped me into.

    As always, thanks for listening. 

  • As a follow up, dinner did not goes as expected.  Instead of eating at the table, she opted that we eat in the living room and watch tv.  There wasn't much opportunity for discussion but I was able to ask a few questions.

    After dinner, I asked her what we are supposed to tell people.  Are we simply separating and seeing how it goes?  Or separating with the intention of divorce?  She said she didn't know.  I said I was confused, to which she replied she was as well.

    Today I have failed at leading my heart.  It has been an emotional day and I've let my emotions get the best of me.  I also didn't hold true this imply doing the dare.  Nothing more and nothing less.

    I asked her if she had been praying, and she said it was none of my business, but yes.  Thats encouraging to know that she is still communicating with God.

    I just wish she would take the time to talk to someone, like her mother, before committing herself to a yearlong lease...  Currently, I'm the only outlet she has.

    Tonight I will pray that God continues to work in her and that he continues to answer her prays and provide support to her.  I accept that this is out of my hands, and it's not a situation I can control...  But it's still emotional, which is the part I'm struggling with at the moment.

  • You have asked more than once about this being a move for space or divorce. But you do it in a way that you are justifying it to yourself. Either you are going to trust Christ or not. So seeking answers for those things from her is not trusting Christ. Remember with Christ all things are possible. So leave it. Pray on it and continue your journey with Christ knowing that He is going to take care of you.

    This will get worse before better. She will seek to get negative responses out of you to justify her actions. Dont let you be the reason for them.

  • Thanks Sean.  You're right.  I tell myself I trust Christ and I have no problem believing it, but when it comes down to it, I often find myself reverting to my old ways and being selfish.  I need to know this or I need to know that.  It's selfish, weak and doesn't prove to Christ that I have complete trust in him.  I do and I want to, I just need to hold true to everything he has instilled in me when times get hard.

    Today's dare (19) is appropriate as I am supposed to pray for Christ and ask him where I stand with him.  I know that he loves me and I pray he can see past my weakness and see that I truly have a desire to turn it all over to him.

    Thank you again for your insight.

  • My pleasure. Pray for that strength and the wisdom. It is only through Him we can do these things.

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