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Re: Day 18: End in disaster

Day 18: End in disaster

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  • We have no money right now because we are waiting for him to get paid.  I was determined to somehow make this happen.  So I was creative and thought about what he liked and what we had in the kitchen.  I was tired and had to make a few stops and then go to the grocery store but GOD was watching over me to get what I needed at the grocery store.  He is an amazing cook. AMAZING.  He insisted on helping and wouldn't let me do it alone.  So we made dinner together.  It was nice.  We had a good meal and he loved it.  Now onto the disaster.......I have had a bad habit of looking in his clothes, car, cellphone, computer for stuff that will nail him for doing something messed up having to do with the affair.  I have really made an effort since the dare stop looking through his stuff.  I have had a some slip ups.  Last night I noticed he had been on the computer so I went on there to see what he had been doing.  I go to Facebook and he is still logged in and I go to his messages and that is where I find some messages between him and a friend of the other woman.  We had already argued when he decided to be her friend on FB. I had told him it was not ok in any way shape or form to be friends with anyone related to the other woman.  The messages made it seem like he was still involved with the other woman.  He did not mention the other woman by name but the nature of the messages seemed like he was lying to them and making future plans with them.  I was absolutely livid.  How could he keep doing this to me.  I went off.  Yelled.  Screamed.  Swore.  It was a disaster.  He became very upset we argued and eventually he went to sleep.  I tried to calm down and tried to come on here but the website wasn't working.  I felt hopeless and started to cry and sob.  I sat next to him sobbing and that woke him up he was very upset and said he was losing his sanity and said he had to leave cuz he did not feel safe being there.  He took off and said he was going to work.  I asked him not to because he did this before and went to the other woman's house.  It was deja vu all over again.  He pleaded for me to leave him alone because he was feeling insane.  I told him I was hurt and crying and I needed him to comfort me.  How completely messed up is that.   I don't know anymore.  I do feel hopeless. I am following my fleshly desire and not doing what GOD wants me to.  I am failing GOD and hurting GOD with these cruel reactions.  Of course I want GOD to forgive me but how is that fair when I can't forgive my husband????  Am I playing GOD by trying to look for stuff??  looking in his phone and computer?   I just wish for once he would do the right thing and chose me first and do what I pleaded and asked for him to do.  HE NEVER DOES.  He makes it impossible.  I feel like it would be easier to give up and just call it quits.  I don't want to bare this pain anymore.  I was completely shocked to read the next dare.  What timing.  HELP!  I feel so defeated and worthless and broken that he keeps making these choices that hurt me over and over again.  Why can't I just trust GOD completely and not worry about my husband and what he is doing or not doing.???  I don't trust him or believe anything he tells me cuz he has done nothing but LIE to me, betray me, manipluate me, use me.  What's the point anymore?!  I just want out of this living HELL.

  • First... You are not playing God when you look for things, but you are taking back control and not trusting God!

    THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!!!!

    I can hear you saying right now, but I can try.

    That is the problem. Leave it go. When you get those urges, go to prayer. Know Christ is working in the situation.

    Also, why when he went to sleep did you sit next to him and sob? If I recall you said you needed him to comfort you. If you are looking for him to be your comfort and saviour of bad situations, then why are you even calling on Christ from time to time..?

    Christ is molding you in this journey.... The more you fight Him, the more He will not let you go!

    Remember you are the one that called Christ into your life. You are the one that wanted Him... Now, give it up to Him.

    Understand... Christ is working in his life as well, but you are the one that needs to be the testimony.

    Christ will humble you. Christ will protect you. Christ will love you. Depend on Him for comfort, for love.

  • Ok Sean thanks for the reality check.  I'm such a control freak it's so hard to let go and give up what control I think I might have.  That's scary you know what I will say.  LOL.  I am trying though.  I know I must TRY HARDER.  Or maybe I'm not TRYING hard enough.  

    I think my sitting next to him was a selfish thing.  I was pissed that he could just be asleep like no care in the world while I was hurting and in so much pain from something he caused once again.  What I should have done is go into the bedroom and lock myself in there and just pray and read the bible and try to calm down and feel God's presence and Love.  I have to do that.  That's the only way I will make thru this.  Yeah  was being manipulative and crazy.  

    It is comforting that Christ will not let me go!  I just have to give it all up to him and be free.  It's so hard for me to not point out or think about all the things he is doing or not doing.   I'm trying but it's soooooooooooo hard to just leave him be.  

    I know Christ LOVES me.  I need to love him so I can love my husband better just like you have said many times.  I know I must depend on Christ.  I am only disappointed and hurt when I try to depend on my husband for anything.  Dunno why I even bother.   I just have to keep trying each and every moment.  I know it will get better I just need to put all my love and trust in GOD!

  • First it is not scary that I know what you will say... I know because I was in the same position.

    Also, you think if you do not do this or do that, you will lose control and it will be over.... But in reality, you cannot lose control you never had...

    Now, you have heard me say before. We are all experts at asking Christ, we must all become experts at listening.

    In those times you forsake Christ to foccus on your husband. Just as you did sitting next to him crying. Think really hard about this. Christ will expose to you - your relationship with Him through your relationship with your spouse.

    How do you think Christ feels at times you forsake Him and focus on your husband. Just as you felt sitting next to your husband in that bed. Your husband ignored you and slept, just as you ignored Christ.

  • Yeah I have no control.  Never have never will.  Just an illusion.  Just have to let it all go and give it to GOD.

    I am good at asking but not good at listening or doing what I am suppose to do.  Those feelings seems to get in the way.  Trying to be better about not leading with my feelings.

    WOW the parallel about my relationship with my spouse and my relationship with Christ is very deep and profound.  Thank you for pointing that out.  It's sad that I ignored Christ cuz I know he never ignores me.  I'm sure it made Christ feel very sad for me not to put him first.  I know that's the main thing I must focus on.    I wish it could be easier not to focus on my husband.  Sometimes I'm able to do it and then it doesn't take much to get me back into ranting about all the things he is not doing.  UGH!  

  • Dont be so hard on yourself. You were brought up in a world that revolves around self. You are only acting on what you were taught.

    This is a change, and it is not easy. But if you focus on your spiritual growth and commit to prayer and place margin in your life for Christ, it will all change.

  • Thanks Sean.  I'm trying to do that each and every day or even moment.   You are such a blessing!

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