Collaborate without boundaries

Day 17 - Challenging to find Intimacy

Day 17 - Challenging to find Intimacy

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  • I've been praying and it seems to be helping me.  My wife and I have been separated for a little over a year.  Through that year I have been selfish and destructive to my wife, my family, & my marriage.  I turned my back to my marriage and let it fall apart.  I did not see the hope or the goodness in my marriage. Through this book & God I have seen all my sins & the wrong turns our relationship has taken in the past 16 years. All the miscommunications & actions that got our marriage to a very unhappy place, a place that made me think we were not worth it, we were incompatible, and it was just not going to work.  Boy was I wrong. All the time I was going through this my wife was holding out hope and praying for me to come back to work on our marriage. Now that I have come to know all these things my wife has healed and is as determined as I was that this can not work. 

    She is responding to the dares but continues to tell me that she is done and she can't get past any of the pain and hurt, it's just all gone.  During this period of separation we have had more honest conversations about what we want and how we both failed at our marriage.  The lessons in the book are spot on; the depreciation room, selfishness, control issues all of it happened to us and we were blind to what was happening.  

    I find myself asking her for a small step, counseling, a date, a night out as a family with our daughters.  Anything that can get us off the path of stubbornness and try a little.  She continues to tell me that she doesn't want anything from me except to be good father. That she is done, that she's tired and doesn't want to work.  Nothing i do seems to be working.  She gives me little bits of hope. She tells me she's thinking about us and if she really can move past the pain & hurt. I ask for some time together so we can try and heal and she responds with, "I don't want to". She asks "Why do I have to be the bigger person & try you couldn't do it?"

    She has started seeing someone else and it feels me with so much anxiety.  I ask her questions about their relationship.  She is honest and gives me the truth and it hurts so bad.  I tell her it hurts me but she says I'm sorry but I'm moving on.   

    It seems that the longer I go through these dares I learn how bad of a husband I've been, how amazing my wife is, and how we never really let Christ into our marriage.  All its seems to bring about is more pain in my heart.   She said is respects what I am doing right now but it's just coming too late.

    Day 16 was so challenging for me.  Turning over control to God and letting him work is really hard for me.  In my mind I can say something that will finally get through to her. She gives us time to talk but it always ends the same way me asking for a small step and her rejecting me.

    God has shown me my path, to reunite my family.   However,  the rejection makes it hard to continue.  The thoughts are in my mind to close it up and move on but I know that is not what he is calling me to do.


  • This journey is actually between you and Christ not you and your wife. You need to allow Christ to mold you through each dare. And stay out of His way. Christ will work on her. Do your dares and that is it, no more, no less.

    And do the dares As they are intended. Trust Christ no matter what you think the outcome will be. You saying what you want is doing it your way and that has not worked in the last 16 years as you now see. Now it is time to do it Gods way.

    Come here daily it always helps and when you get time read the appendix especially the section on leading the heart

  • I am trying my hardest to lead my heart.  I'm also trying to think about what's best for my family especially today as my wife is telling me she wants to move with our kids away from me and our home.  She thinks it will be to difficult with school starting to do it on her own and get what she wants out of life. So she is willing to uproot our kids and move them closer to her family where she will have help but she is unwilling to work on our marriage and try to move past some of our issues because this is what she wants.  I have never been an absent father.  I've been lost and trying to find my path but I have never not been present.   I see them every day right now and I really don't want to be that far from my kids.

    How do I let go of my family to give her what she wants for our family? If I fight for what I want and what God is showing me as my path then I'm not being trusting in Gods way and loving unconditionally.  If I let her do what she wants is that Gods path or hers? Am I getting out of Gods way by letting my family go and not being a daily presence in their lives?

  • Right now she is in a complete flesh and of the world mode. You cannot concern yourself with that. You must stay on this journey and do as the dares say... Do not manipulate them with that you think, and do not worry what the response is, trust Christ.

    As for her moving, be honest with her. Tell her you do not agree with her taking the kids away from you, it is her that wants this not the kids and not you. If she chooses to leave, that is her decision.

    You must love her and be nice, be loving and most certainly be of Christ.

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