This day didn't go at ALL as I had planned it! LOL... it was better :) My kids have early release from school every wednesday, so we usually do picnics in the park. But it got "cold" today (in the low 60's) so we decided to take a walk and look for fallen pinecones that we can use to make projects to decorate for Christmas... it was nice. I was going to arrange my day so I can put the tree up with my husband and kids, but my husband came home from work late & my kids and I ended up doing most of it becasue he was on the phone. So then I thought I'd watch a movie with him like he does every night... only toight he didn't work out in the morning so he did it in the evening. I started thinking I'd never get this dare done, but then it happened... I went into the kitchen for something & he was there & he made a joke about how we always seem to be where the other needs to get to. He was making his lunch & we got to chatting about stuff. Mostly about working out & weight loss, but it was nice friendly talking with a lot of eye contact. It was "like old times" talking. He brought up my certification exam again & asked how studying was going... I opened up and told him I feel real intimidated & scared. LAst time I had to certify I was fresh out of school- things have changed in 6 years! The next thing I knew he was talking about the possibilities of me getting a job when he leaves & finding a new place. I didn't let it bother me, though. It seems like when things start going good, he puts up his defenses & has to say something about leaving or moving just to "remind me" of "our situation". Honestly, it sucks. But then I remind myslef this is part of God's plan and to let it be. So i do.
When I say I "planned" my day, I always have to have some sort of general idea to what my day looks like so I can be sure to accomodate everyone in my family & get the things done that need to be done. SO though today wasn't as planned, I was very relaxed about the acctual structure. It was nice :) I had a great day & just had a positive feeling about everything. Part of me wants to read into every move and every thing he does, but I know better than that. I know God is at work & I have to let Him do it!
I feel like I can be open with my husband again when we talk. No more shutting down and being scared of what to say or how to say it. I feel like I am more confident about who I am and how to "act" not just around him, but around everyone. I feel great. I hope I don't sound too selfish...because I know I owe it all to God that I am feeling like this. WIthout His love and caring & guidance I would have never gotten to this point. And as horrible as the past year sounds to most people and even sounded like to me a few months ago, I acctually thank God for it now. I know that without all of this I would never be at this point that I am at now... so I am acctually very grateful for all of it. In the end I do hope my husband and I can make things work, but if not I know God has a plan for me. I truly trust in Him.
No one ever understands how much of a blessing that all those things in the past are until you get to this point. But here is something else.... Think back even further. How many times did Christ try to get more into your life and you over looked Him, or just left Him alone.
Now, look what it took for you to find Him and start to walk with Him.
It's amazing how truly eye opening this journey is. I used to be so faithful, though I didn't really understand it all (I was still a kid) but I never questioned God's word. And then something happened, I wasn't "bad" but I starting doing things MY way. This was a little while before I met my husband. And then as time progressed, my faith started lacking. I would go to church & go through the motions, but I would justify my actions by telling myself God understands that I love Him...but I never showed him.
I see how my selfishness led me to abandon the Lord and in effect lose the love I have for Him, my husband and my family. Even as I did the dares in round one there were many times that I said I don't really need to do this or that to show God I love Him. I just felt like He should know...probably the same thing I did with my husband.
But now, my heart is filled with Christs love and I want to share it and spread it around! And not just to my husband and kids, but I pray that in everything I do I reflect the love of God.
I'm at a point where I trust God & I pray that He helps my husband find his faith again. In my heart, I want my husband to come back to me (hopefully soon)... but at the same time I understand that what I want may not be what God has in plan for me. In the end, I just pray that my husband returns to God's favor so that he might know God's unconditional love and forgiveness for us. I know it is then that he will find the happiness he is searching for. I only wish there was more I could do for him, or take on his burdons for him...but really all I can do is pray & love him him unconditionally.
What you can do for him is allow your relationship to grow with Christ. This way you are a constant testimony to your husband.
I am finally starting to realize that I have to be the constant testimony to my fiance. I cannot continue my old destructive habits that have led me to divorce in the past. I have to change and be the example. I have been controlling my frustration so much better with the things he does, but I did get a little upset tonight more so with his friend than my fiance personally. I am going to admit that I am jealous of their relationship. I feel it takes him away from the Lord and from me. I rarely have the chance to spend any quality time with him. Jealousy..the big flaw I have to let go. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in wanting to help others that we lose our focus on the Lord and don't fix ourselves. I am broken in so many ways so I can't judge him for his shortcomings.
Be careful with jealousy... Remember there is justified and one that is not. But also remember we have a jealous God. And when you put anything in front of Him, and our focus is not Christ, we cannot be right with Him.