After a really rough day yesterday morning- I saw a little bit of a difference in him after he came home from work. For the first time in a long time I didn't make him a special dinner for his diet or even serve him what I made- I let him do it on his own. Partially becasue he was really late getting home from work, and partially becasue the night ebfore he had an outburst and told me not to worry about his dinner. ANd if I am going to be compeltely honest with myself, I am sure a little bit of it was for spiteful/vengeful reasons.
In any case, my husband made many attempts to talk to me for the first time in long time- about his meal plans, his new conditioner, his plans for the following day, etc. It's been the most we've talked in a long time. Eventually he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him. I didn't really answer him right away & remembered todays dare was to give something up in order to spend time with your spouse... so I gave up going to bed early to honor his request. I debated in my head if I was doing the right thing, but I was glad I did. He spent most of the time on his computer, but it was probably the most time we spent in the same room together for a long time... besides sleeping in the same bed every night. So in essence, I completed the dare the night before, but it has been checked :)
I found myself having really negative thougths again today. It's hard when he keeps to himself & he spends a lot of time texting or on the computer...it's all the same signs from when he became emotionally involved with someone a year ago. SO it's hard for me to shake those feelings- I've been praying so hard to get those feelings out of my head & I know God is with me and helping me keep my faith in my husband becasue as tempted as I was to check his phone, email or look for "evidence", I let it all go to God. I know he has it under control. Last time this happened, I prayed that God find a way to separate them & the girl he was talking to ended up going back to her husband and pretty much dumping him. I was lucky because she lived about 1200 miles away...had she lived closer, who knows how bad things could have gotten. Anyway, it was a difficult situation for me. SO when similar situations creep up, the doubt wells up inside me. Now what I did next might seem odd, but it helped. I took out a picture of my husband and litterally had a one sided conversation with him...and then prayed. The fact that I was able to say to him (yes it was only a picture, but still) that I will trust him and that I was able to ask God to watch over my husband for me lifted a great weight off my shoulders.
Just a question...is there any way that my husband might be testing me? Either consciencely or subconsciencely? Since we have been through waves of separation & together many times within the past year...I wonder if he might be testing me to see if this will be a permenant change in me or just another attempt to "win" him back? I can honestly say that I see how he might be doubtful of my changing. Everytime he would come back to me, we would get back into the same routine and not make any effort to change. The whole time I was waiting for him to understnad what he was doing and then change when I failed to realize it was me who needed to embrace God again and bring Him back into our lives. Now that I see what I must do, I pray that it isn't too late.
It's 4:30 AM. I woke up out of nowhere & this strange feeling that my husband is seeing someone else filled my head. All the signs are there. But then I go back & forth with myself as to if he's really that dumb? I mean even after I told him that I deserve respect & that is the one thing I ask of him (not to see anyone) until were over officially. I see now how that is me trying to control the situation. I just fear that my meltdown yesterday, even though I was still kind and loving & he didn't see my meltdown...well I fear it might have given him the justification he was searching for. I am praying I am wrong, I don't know what to believe. The last time I got this feeling I was right (2 times). So much of me wants to start investigating, there's little of me holding me back from doing so. I feel like I have the strength to not look into it, bu my heart wants to know- there's so much doubt. And what if he is seeing someone...I don't think I can let it go again. Of course I can forgive him, but I don't think I want him in the same house anymore. The more I think about it, the more I question if he really would do something so stupid after all the times he hurt me in the past. But then again, with Satan in charge, all the things you thought your spouse wouldn't do just might happen.
My nerves have calmed down a little since waking up in a panic and praying & now writing. Should I still continue to not seek more information about these feelings that he is seeing someone else? I hope that for once my intuition is wrong & that this is just the devils way of trying to get me to break.
When he asks to watch a movie, I see that you watch and he gets on the computer. Next time he asks you.... Ask him. Do you want to watch a movie together or play on the computer? Tell him, if you want to watch a movie then watch the movie, not play on the computer.
As for testing you. ABSOLUTELY.... Whenever someone of the flesh sees Christ change someone, they will always test. Test to see who is in control them or Christ. In fact when they start seeing that Christ is in you, they will get worse. They will need to see a reaction. This is why you will see many times I will tell others it will get worse before better.
Leave it to Christ. Start trusting Him like you never have before. If your husband is seeing someone then Christ will deal with that. If He is not, maybe Christ is testing you. To see if you can trust Him to focus on your journey and not your husband. Remember we have a jealous God. And you serving your husband first and putting him first is serving and putting him before Christ....
Read the appendix..... Learn to lead your heart and not follow it. The heart is the most deceitful thing in this world.
I'm gettign there, Sean. It's really hard to fight through some of the doubts sometimes. But I am seeing how the more I turn to God the more I am able to handle most situations. I guess it is important for me to not react to the rejection...WOW- I never thought I had so much self control to hold my tongue or to be this strong- but that's why it's so important to trust in the Lord.
I have to express my deepest gratitude to everyone who reads my posts, prays for me & my family and continuously helps me to keep on track. Thank You!
I know you are. It will get easier. the more you trust Christ the easier it gets. And it is not that you cannot react to rejection, it is how you react. And yes sometimes the best reaction is to do nothing, but other times will be a door that Christ gives you to be a testimony of your journey.
When you give control to Christ, you will be amazed at the abilities you will have in many different situations.