I was able to do yesterdays dare today so I felt good about that. I didn't argue or disagree with him this morning when he requested something. I normally would have but decided ok this is his preference so I will be ok. There are uncomfortable and awkward moments that exist. He tries to just be casual and relaxed and I'm tense and preoccupied with intrusive thoughts and negative images. I know I cannot verbalize them because it will lead to nothing good usually ends up being an argument. I have to practice being slow to speak because I get so irritate and worked up and them bam! I'm back to my old self....yelling...angry...hostile...upset. I was thankful he agreed to a discussion about our rules of engagement. I was not surprised by what he needs. It did open my eyes on some things I have been in denial about mostly how he has felt when I go off on him and that he has just taken it over the years and not fought back. I think he has instead acted them out passively aggressively. I hope I will be able to follow these rules. I know he is skeptical I can do it cuz he's used to me flying off the handle. I am making changes slowly but surely. I am hopeful I can do this. I know GOD gives me the strength and love everyday that I need to do each dare and just get through each moment and day.
Hmm... Just wrote something and it disappeared.
Anyway...
Those thoughts are because your pride was stomped on. You have forgiven. So now, when those thoughts come, lift it to Christ. And try to remember these words.
BE STILL... FOR I AM GOD...
And pray for Christ to take these burdens from your heart. To comfort you. And you do this every time. Even if it is silent. Start showing Christ you know you cannot do it your way and that you depend on Him 100% for this...
Aw I'm bummed it deleted what you wrote. You think I have forgiven? I struggle all the time with that. I know I must. I know I have to completely let it go. Do you think that means I have to stop bringing it up and/or asking any questions??? I know GOD doesn't keep pointing out every sin we did and asking WHY. I heard something today about how we need to just stop asking WHY and trust GOD period!
I do turn to GOD to take away my hurts and comfort me so I can have peace and focus on loving GOD first. I also praise GOD for the many blessings I have. So just like you said Prayer and Praise.
Let me ask you this. What does bringing it up or asking questions do, other than cause an argument?
There is no real purpose. If he answers every question you have, at best it will keep your mind running with thoughts that you cannot control. The answers will not do you any good. AT ALL.
And now, you must understand something here. That is not putting all your faith into Christ and this journey. Let it go, and when they come into your head, start talking with Christ as to why you want these answers and what good they could possible bring.
Christ wants your dependence on Him not your husband. Seek answers from Christ, not your husband....
You are right Sean. It doesn't do anything but make me ask more questions or feel worse and yes leads into an argument.
I tried today to lean on Christ when I had these feelings. I know I must continue to practice this each and every moment they occur. I have to STOP and BE STILL like you keep telling me.
I have to turn to CHRIST and depend on him not my husband. It's hard cuz I've been used to going to my husband with whatever is on my mind and not thinking it through or praying about it. Feeling justified and selfish. I'm trying to change that. I feel like I'm getting it. Thank you for your honesty and holding me accountable.
Remember... Your feelings will always catch up with your actions. You just need to start the trend.
If you are interested, there are some journals I have written I think may help you. it starts with the one lovedarestories.com/.../we-are-not-god.aspx then each after that.
Thanks Sean. I did read them all but I need to read them again. They were great! Trying to not do stuff based on feelings and do more on what I know GOD wants me to do. I believe my heart will catch up to the actions sooner or later.
Here is something else I think will help you.
Jesus Replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the law and the prophets hand on these two commandments."
We need to reserve daily quiet time with God for self-examination. Bible reading, prayer etc. Just to get to know God.
And to love your husband as you do yourself is very important. You are one through Christ. And every time you beat up on him you can clearly see how it actually is beating up on you as well.
Thanks Sean. Great reminders that I need to sear in my mind and think about every time I act. My problem is I react. I don't think. I just react based on my feelings. I have to like you said BE Still and take it to GOD in prayer and then chose my action based on my Love for GOD. It's hard at times but I will keep trying to do more of this.
Today's message on this application I use......so appropriate.
"There are countless ways to love God. Love God through love for your parents. Love God through love for your spouse. Love God through love for your children. Love God through love for your friends. Love God through love for your country. For God is in all these and much, infinitely, more."
God will mold you to that point.