It has been 5 months since my husband has left for Korea, he is not coming back to me. He is in the Lords hands & as hard as it is to admit, I am seeing Gods hand in my life and this maybe the best thing for me. I have prayed, asked forgivenes and my husband has become even more distant from me. He is living a single life & I am just an afterthought to him, a mistake he made 3 years ago when we married. This is ok, because I have learned so much about myself that I am humbled & grateful for the chance to grow in Gods light.
I am no longer trying to pretend that my marriage will become stronger, or better than it ever was. I can see the things I need to continue working on, I am seeing that I need to believe in myself more and that there is someone out ther who thinks I am a valuable person, worthy of genuine love. Someone who sees the good in me & loves my flaws, forgives me for my mistakes & does not want to see me used, disgraced, abandoned or abused. I am finally seeing for myself that I have been so complacient that I have allowed others, including my husband to treat me me like I dont matter. I have been given the chance to set good boundries, healthy boundries & that I do not have to clean up their messes or feel that I deserve the treatment given to me so they come out looking great & I look like trash. God is the one who has shown me this light, oh I'll admit, I fell back into the darkness, off my path but God is so patient, he waited until I got back on my path & he is showing me where I need to go.
I have found a better job & soon I will be on my feet financially. I am not taking the responsability of my maritial debt on myself. I will not be used by my husband financially, more for his benifit that mine. That is not what marriage is about. My friends say I should stand up for myself, some are upset at me because I helped them find their footing & I dont seem to want to do it for myself. They are right, one thing I have been praying for is that I can believe that I am a worthwhile person who has had a very bad thing happen to me but that I am worthy. A carry alot of shame with me, I always have & this is something I am praying on, since childhood it has been a log in my eye. I am also praying for the ability to not let my anger from my past fall onto my husband. I have forgiven him for the things he has done, unfortunatilly he is contonueing to behave in the same ways I have forgiven him for, with no remorse. I realized the other day, he has not even said I'm sorry for anything he has done since he has left, he still says it is all my fault. My heart goes out to him, I pray for him. He says he is being himself, I believe he is scared, lonely & angry at God. He isnt ready to be on his path yet.
I know I have given my marriage 110%, I made mistakes, i did good things, God guided me & even sat back & watched me try to drive my life in the direction I thought it should go, patiently waiting for me to give him the reins back. The pain I have gone through & still go through is the worse pain I have ever felt, I would never wish this on my worse enemy, but I am grateful for the lessions I have learned, the humbling experiences I have endured. I am growing into the woman God has been so patiently waiting for me to be.
2 weeks ago I went with my boys to a place called High Rocks, its a 30 foot cliff where people jump into the water. I got to the top & I froze, everything bad that I could come up with came across my mind, I even looked for a way to climb back down! There was nowhere to go but off the edge & have faith that I would be alright....I jumped!! I really did it, not once but 4 times that day...I have been living my life that way...afraid to jump, afraid to believe I could do it...Im not afraid anymore....God has tought me how to fly...he caught me....I will be better than I ever was........
So good to hear from you. I believe one of the biggest things in your marriage is your strength, your understanding of what Christ has done for you.
But I also know that your husband is not here. SO that makes it even more difficult. But as you know, when you put Christ first and trust Him, then He will not only comfort you, but fill all voids you have.
I still pray for you all the time, and I am sure your journey is blessing you in ways you cannot see yet. Be strong and keep your focus.
Just a message of hope to the Ether;
My hope is that all worked out well and she is happy and content. She deserves to be respected, adored and cherished, but only because she gives nothing less.
I know ... knew, this lady many years ago ... right around 3 decades ago I guess it is now. I left as a very young man to go off and explore the world. I came to realize, perhaps not even a decade later, that this woman became my 'model' for the perfect mate. She has this genuinely loyal, giving and generous heart for the one(s) she cares about, and what seems to be a 'need' to truly share life with her other. To 'share' it ... a rare and wonderful thing I've grown to realize. I think she shows it clearly in her posts here. There are a few things I remember that would probably seem dumb and insignificant to others, but I still cherish and have warm thoughts about them ... and still seek and hope to find again in time ... preferably a time before I take the big dirt nap! :-o
I've looked for her a few times throughout the years, but with no luck. Finding her posts here was just a chain of coincidences this week.
So to you Linda; All my best and warmest thoughts for your joy and happiness. I hope it has found you and is with you eternally.
I assume this post is about Linda...
Yes. It was for Linda.
And where is she now?
Wouldn't have a clue.
Maybe for the better?
It wouldn't seem so, but we can only hope all turned out the best for her.
No need to let your thoughts overtake what you currently have in life.