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Day 12

Day 12

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  • I'm new to this site so I will give a little background before getting to my problem. 

    My wife and I are about to have our 11th anniversary on the 26th of this month but things are looking like it might be our last.  We also have 3 beautiful girls that we both cherish more than anything.  About 6 months ago my wife had an affair that lasted a few months.  It wasn't until sometime in April that I finally found out and she told me that she wanted a divorce.  In some ways her coming to me about divorce is not a new thing for us.  Every time we got into an argument she usually resorted to saying it at some point.  We always ended up working through the problem and things would get better for a little while but sooner or later we would end up fighting again and divorce would be mentioned.  This time when she said she wanted a divorce I was dealing with some severe depression due to our relationship, my new job, and our finances.  The pressure what too much for me to handle and I ended up seeing a doctor and getting prescribed anti-depressant medication.  Time on the medication was awful and I had a difficult time thinking straight and was not able to get any work done.  I decided to stop taking it and started to feel better however I didn’t realize I would end up going through withdrawal and eventually make things worse.

    My wife approached me one day and told me she was done with our marriage and that was my breaking point.  I tried explaining to her how damaging this was going to be for the kids and we should do everything in our power to work things out.  She told me that she no longer had any desire to work things out and that she didn’t love me anymore.  I was so torn up inside and didn’t know how to handle it.  I panicked and went down to our kitchen and grabbed a knife and went to show her how damaging this was to me.  I was trying to explain that her actions were like stabbing me with a knife and killing me, (did I mention I wasn’t thinking straight), I never had any intention of hurting myself or her I was only trying to get her to understand how damaging this all was to me.  I approached her while pointing the knife at myself and told her she was killing me and everything we worked so hard to build together.  When she saw the knife she naturally freaked out and called 911.  My head was spinning and I couldn’t believe what I had just done.  To make matters worse my children had seen me walk into our bedroom with the knife and close the door.  I can’t even imagine how scared they must have felt.  It was almost like someone else was doing all of this instead of me.  The police showed up and ended up arresting both of us, mainly because the officer had gotten aggressive with me and threatened to mace me.  My wife stepped in-between me and the officer and she was charged with interfering with an arrest.

    Following all of this was when my wife confessed that she had an affair.  I couldn’t believe that this would ever happen to us.  I always cared about her so much and thought that she understood how much I loved her.  That night was when I broke down and turned to God for the first time in years.  I thought that if she ever cheated on me that I would be the one to want a divorce but what I found out was that in reality I did love her unconditionally.  No matter what happened in our marriage or what mistakes she made I would always love her and this proved it to me.

    While I was praying and begging God to help save our marriage I turned in her devotional bible randomly and on that page was a devotion that said God can rebuild ANYTHING!  I felt like it was a promise that was being made to me at that moment and a peace came over me.  I also found her copy of “The Love Dare” and decided that I would start doing this myself.  I am sure God was talking to me and showing me the path I must take.

    Since then I have been doing the dares off and on.  There were times I left the house because of the conflict between us and had to stop but whenever I returned I started them back up.  The other night I finally got to day 12 and had a lot of problems with it because at the time we were not fighting and things were calm at the house.  That night she text me asking me how my night was going and I confessed that I wasn’t doing well.  I was missing her a lot and missing the closeness we had.  She expressed that this was hard for the both of us and I asked her how this was difficult for her because she kept expressing that there were no feelings for me.  She didn’t respond and it eventually sparked an argument between us.  At one point I remembered that day’s dare and spoke up and said that I give up, she won.   She immediately came back with telling me that I was lying and that nothing I said would make her believe that I would give up on our marriage.  I then told her that I would never give up on our marriage or my love for her.  She kept coming at me until I finally felt so hurt that I left to take a walk.  I immediately prayed for God’s help in resolving this and against all my feelings decided not to go back to the house and say anything more.

    I feel like I’m completely failing at these dares no matter how hard I try.  I’ve become numb to any emotions except the constant pain this has all caused.  I don’t feel the love from anyone anymore even from my children or my family.  I pray constantly to God for healing but this feeling never goes away.  Doubt fills my thoughts and I fear that my marriage and my family may never be restored.

    Please pray for me and my family.

     

  • Chris, WOW....

    First, I must say, that the battle of depression is your big thing at the moment. I would suggest that you first find a Christian counselor.

    And this Dare will put you on a journey with Christ that will change many things in your life. However, the hard part is that you need to realize that you cannot do this on your own. You need to trust Christ with everything you have.

    I am sure it is not that people do not love you. I am sure that those feelings are caused by the depression.

    Focus on Christ and what he will do for you. Allow him to be in control and leave your wife to him. Once you are able to do that you will find that the comfort in your heart will make you such a happier person.

    I do have a couple of questions. You mentioned that the Bible was hers. And that you found the dare. I assume these were hers? What happened to her journey?

    Stick with the dare everyday. Do not miss a day. Just stick to it. Christ will give you the opportunity to humble yourself. Not only for her, but for him as well.

  • Chris, you have been through much and in some ways your journey is just beginning. Will be praying for you.
    If you wish to see a counselor, here is a website that lets you find one by zip code radius after you select desired level of certification.

     

     

    Leslie Holmes

    Community Builder

  • Thank you for all your support.  To answer your questions Sean, both the bible and “The Love Dare” were both hers.  I actually asked if she had ever started reading it and she said that she read the first couple of chapters but never started any of the dares.  I also don’t know if I’ll be able to complete the dares as prescribed because she and the girls are leaving to visit her family in California next week for 40 days (go figure).  I will continue to do what I can in following the dares and I pray that things will turn around.

    Friday was another pretty bad day for us.  We had a meeting with a mediator to discuss the terms of our separation and custody of the children.  I was so hurt and angry that all of this was happening.  I even had to leave the office for a while to cool off because we starting arguing with each other in the lawyer's office.  The argument continued when we got home and I lost my cool and starting lashing out (verbally) towards her out of the anger and pain I was feeling.  I left the house to cool off and decided that I was finished and that nothing would ever change between us.  She hated me and no matter how hard I tried to prove to her how much I loved her nothing would ever make her want to stop with this divorce.  I packed a bag and left for the weekend determined that come Monday I would be the one filing for divorce.  I was giving up, throwing in the towel, waving the white flag.

    That night I cried like a little girl all night.  Everywhere I turned I was hearing and seeing things that kept reminding me of the pain I was feeling; sad love songs on the radio or playing in the streets; movies that showed couples going through trying times then working it out in the end; it was like no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get away from everything there was always something reminding me of my failed marriage.

    After a few days of calming down and praying, I called my wife and apologized for everything I said to her.  She didn’t really accept that I was being sincere and told me that she doesn’t trust that I mean it.  She asked me if I would be filing for the divorce and I told her no.  I think she thinks that I am going to get a lawyer and try to take the kids away from her just out of spite.  That night I wrote her an apology email telling her again that I was sorry for acting that way and that I understand that she thinks she is doing the best thing for her and the children.  I told her that I thought she was a beautiful person both inside and out and that she deserved someone to love her unconditionally and that made her happy.  This was really hard for me because I really want to be that person but I don’t think right now she will ever find it in her heart to forgive me of the things I’ve done.  I know all things are possible through God but if she never turns to him I don’t see how God can work on her.  I hope and pray that by changing my life and focusing on God that she will see the change in me and want that same change in her life.  Her trip to California is in some ways a positive thing because she will be staying with her sister and her sister is strong in the Lord and will try to help her get right with God again.

    One final thing I will add to this is that last night I was talking with my oldest daughter (age 11) and saying how sorry I was for not being there for her enough.  I told her that I was sorry for allowing so many distractions to interfere with being a part of the family.  I should have been more involved and not been so selfish to my own worldly desires.  I told her that I loved her mother with all my heart and that I was sorry for hurting her feelings so much over the years.  She actually told me that I shouldn’t worry and that if I didn’t call mommy for the entire time they were in California that mommy would miss me and come back and want to be with me again.  This brought tears to my eyes and I sobbed uncontrollably.  I told her that I hoped she was right and that night when we said our nightly prayers together she actually asked God to open up mommy’s heart and have her miss me while they were gone.  Did I mention that she is only 11!  What a gift from God children are.

    Thank you for the link for the Christian counselor.  I will call today and try to set up an appointment.  Today I am suppose to be working on Dare 14 but I don’t think that my wife will have any desire to be near me right now.

  • Chris, You have started the dare. You are on a journey with Christ. And without him your relationship does not have a chance. Maybe this is Christs way to get you to himself for a while. Do not worry about her walk or journey with Christ at the moment. I assure you part of your journey with him, is him working on her. But allow him to do that.

    One of the things I have learned, is that we have a jealous God, he wants to be first. That is where the trust comes in. Trust him that no matter what he has a better plan than you can think of. While you lead your heart, to him, you will also lead it to her. With that said, one of the reasons for patience, is so that you can focus on Christ and leave her to him without interfering in his work. It seems that you have not gotten to that point yet in your journey. Commit this to prayer. And continue your journey.

    We will be praying for you.

  • I think I finally completed this dare this morning.  I got a text from my wife saying that she would have to reschedule our mediator appointment because she won't have the money for it.  I told her not to worry about it that I would take care of it.  This really goes against everything I feel about this but I'm determined to put her preference first.  I prayed about this issue a lot last night and even before she sent me the text this morning I was resolved to doing this.

    I am trying to stay focused on God right now and allow him to guide me.  While my family is gone I think it will give me a chance to stay focused and not fall into the same trap of trying to work things out myself.  I know God will be working on her while she is there.

    Thank you for your prayers.

  • Chris.

    While she is gone. I know it will be hard to do some of the dares. But there are creative ways to do most of them. Read the back of the dare all of the appendix, and there are a number of things that will lead you into way of prayer that will help you so much....

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