Re: love lets the other win... day 12

if i had done this earlier in our relationship i don't think we would be here. lol Looking back there is a lot that i should have gave in when he asked me to. But i was too stubborn. That's my nature. I recently wrote him a long letter explaining why i am the way i am. It took a lot out of me. I cried through the whole letter. But i felt like it needed to be done so he knew why i didn't let myself be vulnerable before. I'm getting discouraged at this point. I'm making all these changes and he's taking it all in with delight while my heart suffers. I know i shouldn't be complaining about it, but it hurts. I just wish he could see in my mind and heart and know that i love him. I big part of me wants to stop doing these dares everyday. A big part just wants to move on. A bigger part still hangs on. Yes i will continue doing the dares. Not for him, but for myself. What i want is to be closer to God. And to be a better person by His grace.

I was in that place at one point too - wanting my husband to know how hard I was fighting for our marriage. How HARD of a journey I am on while he is just throwing in the towel. However, if you continue to focus on the dares and remind yourself constantly that it is NOT about your husband, but about your relationship with God - you WILL feel that connection to Him getting tighter and tighter. He is your strength for getting through another day. He is the light and love that allows you to love your husband even when it isn't being reciprocated. Allow Christ to mold you and you will no doubt be a better person! Don't give up Natalie! You CAN do it!

Thank you ... i'm struggling jenn... I pray and i ask and i read, but i'm getting tired.  I find myself be irritated that he doesn't want to be around me as much as i want to be around him.  I'm always asking him to do things with me, but in turn he doens't with me.  Yesterday he came to watch the baby and asked me what's up for tomorrow.  I really thought he was going to ask me to do something with him.  My heart got excited, but then he said i just wanted to know who was watching the baby since the last few weeks we went out together.  bummer!! it was like a slap in the face.  Then went and gave him tickets to the opera.  For the last 3 years he said he has wanted to go.  So i purchased the tickets and gave them to him.  He didn't even ask me to go with him.  Another slap in the face.  He just kept thanking me for them and said they meant a lot to him.  But then who is he taking?  I haven't asked i just keep saying i hope you enjoy them.  But that makes me sad that he wouldn't want to do that with me.  

You will have to come to a point where you cannot worry about his reaction towards a dare. You do the dare that is it. Do not have any expectations. There have been multiple times where I would think my husband was changing his mind about the divorce and seriously, as soon as the thought came in, something happened where I was proven wrong. I learned that NOTHING is in "MY time" on this journey. It is all in "God's time," so you just have to give it ALL up to God. Yes, easier said than done, but as you continue on this road - you WILL be able to do it. Just make that choice everyday to do so!

Nat,

I am sorry to point this out. But as jenn I am sure will tell you, I am a great accountabiliy person. I know that is what got me to where I am today. Without it, I would still be on a path of selfishness.

Go back and read your posts in this dare.

It seems you are truly focused on you and your feelings, and that you are only doing these dares to fix your marriage, not your relationship with Christ.

THis is where you need to start realizing that the dares are not to fix your marriage but create that journey with Christ and from there being the testimony that others including your husband will see.

Here is one important question. Are your prayers for your husband (or your marriage) for selfish reasons? THink about it. If your husband was in no way coming back, would you still pray those prayers?

Can you just pray for Gods will in his life even if it did not include you?

I was thinking of writing a letter for day 12 since my husband desn't live here and I won't see him today. However, I woke up this morning and prayed and God is telling me to do nothing because my husband isn't ready for this yet. My day 12 will be spent praying and not doing for my husband. Today is Good Friday and the kids and I are re-reading Easter-realted passages. I am reminded what Christ went through and how he suffered for us all. I am also reminded of His resurrection and the hope He brings to us. God is showing me the dark place my husband is in and how he's been there for awhile. I never would have seen this had my husband not left us. The state my husband is in, is not something I can fix, in fact I was in the way. I started these dares wanting to fix a marriage, then I moved towards healing my relationship with God, but God is showing me that this is also about His relationship with my husband and His fight to win him back. Today I will start praying for my husband and let the past stay where it is.

While Christ molds you in this journey, He will work on your husband and through your testimony many things can be done. When you pray for your husband. Leave your own selfishness out of it  for now. Just pray for Gods will in his life, and your ability to accept that, and be the testimony for his salvation as Christ needs you to be.