I can honestly say I have been doing this dare for a little while now. I have come to see how fruitless it is to argue over silly little things. And honestly, how selfish those arguments were. Really, do I care that he goes out with his friends every week? NO! I only cared becasue I wasn't doing the same thing. I was jealous. But why? Don't really know. I was also very resentful of him becasue I stay at home with the kids all day & I felt like the least he could do was help out or take ME out once a week. Boy have I come to see how contitional and jealous and vengeful and spiteful my "love" for him was. It was so easy for me to say "I Love You" but then turn around and be angry with him over something dumb. I only wish I would have seen this waaaaay earlier!
Our biggest arguments were probably over my family (who is HUGE and Polish and VERY intrusive) and many times I would stick my neck out to defend them, but I would not do the same for him. I have come to see how hurt he was becasue of that. Another recent thing that had me growling at him was giving him time with his friends. Which we all need, I know- but I was not used to it. Up until about 2 years ago, he was fine spending free time with me and the kid(s)...and I see how jealous I became once he needed some time alone with them. We would argue becasue his close friends live about an hour away, so when they would get together he felt he should just stay the night there- to me I felt it unacceptable & would not allow it. Again I find myslef asking why? Now that I don't beg him to come home after seeing them, he does so willingly.
I do wish I could have seen how I was letting arguments and anger and jealousy get in my way of truly loving him. Beyond that, I wish I would have seen how it was keeping me away from God. Now that my eyes have been opened, I can apply this dare and the past dares and hopefully the future dares in my everyday life in order to please the Lord and hopefully my husband as well.
We didn't argue at all today, but then again he barely speaks to me. Sometimes I get the feeling things are getting better & the anger is passing, then he'll get so upset or be so mean over something little. For example, I told him have a great day as he left for work this morning & he acctually said, you too. BIG step for him. But then after work when he came home, I asked him if he was allowed to eat what I was preparing for dinner (becasuse he is on a special diet) & he told me not to worry about what he will eat, he can take care of it himself. A few minutes later he asked if there was any chicken left & I said yes. I was going to use it- but I didn't let him know that & I let him have it. It's not that big of a deal- but he makes it into one. I just don't get it! I feel like it is taking him more energy to purposely act angry with me than it would be for him to be normal. Does that even make sense?
In any case, I got it in me to try experimenting with baked goods (I LOVE baking) today, so I decided to create new fall flavored muffins. Of course- My 3 kids (all under 5) and I cannot eat 48 muffins, so my plan is to pack them up in the morning and drop them off at his work. He works at a church/school- so I bring goodies for the parish office as well as the teachers/staff at the school occationally. In addition, I baked him special blueberry muffins that are within his dietary means. I was thinking of including a note to the staff along the lines of "thank you for always being so kind to my husband"...too much? I'm still debating about the note.
I want teh world to know that I love him. I want them to know how much I value him and cherish him. But I don't want to say it using those words becasue I want to be sensitive to him, also.
To go along with the anger, I get these feelings/thoughts that he might be talking to/seeing someone else. I woke up from an awful dream telling me so several days ago & I haven't been able to fully shake the feeling. The problem is that his recent phone & computer activity has increases, and last time that happened he had indeed become emotionally involved with someone. I know it is not something I can control, so when I was tempted to do some check, I chose not to. It is hard, and the odds that he is talking to another woman are slim. I already told him that if there was anyone else at anytime while we are still married he would have to leave, no matter what our financial situation was. I know that is me controling the situation & not God, so that is why as bothered as I am, I am going to TRUST in the Lord and trust my husband as well. I know God is here with me, giving me the strength to keep my mouth shut and my eyes from investigating.
A final comment. Is it odd that I feel that deep inside my husband still loves me even though he denys it completely? I catch him staring at me sometimes with THAT look... or he'll do something/say something that only he and I understnad- it's little things like that. Most of all, deep inside me, I feel like he still loves me. There was never any doubt to me that he didn't love me, even though he hasn't told me he loves me in almost a year. Is this strange? I like to believe I know my husband well enough to know he is stressed about our finances and that his battle with depression is hard on him...I pray for him many times a day, That Christ warms his heart and melts the anger from his heart. At this point, that's all I can do.
Sorry for the lengthy comment- I had a lot on my mind...
Of course he loves you. However, his living in the world and by the flesh is convicting him.
Think about why Christ gave you the tools of this journey. He wants you to be the testimony for your husband.
By you growing closer to Christ, and allowing Him to mold you in His image, you will become the go to for your husband. This will take time, but Christ will work on your husband at the same time.
He loves you. There is no doubt.
I just had a huge meltdown. I went to the church/school and dropped of the muffins I made last night. I even made him special ones that he is allowed to eat on his diet. When I handed them to him he said how do you know I can eat them. I told him i got the recipe from his food guide book. He then went on to say he couldn't eat them becasue they were meant to be breakfast and he already ate his breakfast. So i continued smiling and said, no problem & stuffed them back into my car. As we dropped off the muffins in the lunchrooms, he looked angry that I was there. But he couldn't help but show off our daughter to everyone he met. I had my smile on (a real one) and was chipper as usual as I greated everyone. It was nice. But inside I was dying. I broke down in tears as soon as he was out of sight & prayed the whole drive home.
I don't feel like giving up. I really feel stronger than ever and I know it's all up to God. I'm just hurt by his rejection...but surprisingly, I'm not angry. In the past an event like this would cause me to retaliate or give him a piece of my mind or something else equally hurtful. But I was amazed at how calm I was even though I felt hurt. I can already see how I am looking at each day as a new day, a new beginning...whatever hurtful happened yesterday does not get brought up again today. I only wish I could truely share this with him. I don't know if he notices what is going on or not, not that I need recognition, but because I want him to see the changes I am slowly making...
Here;s something I can use some help with. Am i paying too much attention to my husband? I wake up everymorning & pray, get myself and all 3 kids (5,3,1) ready for the day, make breakfast, make lunches, take them to school, come home and do housely things, feed the baby, play with the baby, go pick up the boys from school, come home and eat snack, do homework, more chores, make dinner, eat dinner (or try to make 3 picky eaters eat SOMETHING), baths, a little playtime, bedtime. My husband gets a good morning from me every day, then a have a great day as he leaves for work. Later I say Hi when he comes home & always say goodnight before I go to bed (though sometimes he is asleep already). Aside from that, I let him do his own thing, and barely say anything to him unless it has something to do with the kids. Every now and then I'll suggest going out to eat dinner becasue I am too exhausted to cook. Todays muffin surprise is a rare event becasue I want to respect his space. Throughout the day I find times to pray. IN the morning, right before bed, in the car as I wait for the kids, while cooking, anytime. Mostly I pray for the strength & courage to do God's will & I ask God to melt my husbands anger and hurt so he can come to know God's love again.
In this journey between Christ and myself, I trust Him comepltely, I pray & I think I am putting him first. Am I? Can I do more? The hurt, the doubt, I know those are human feelings & when I feel them I pray & trust the Lord to it. The hardest attribute for me to conquer is patience. I have it, but it wants to control everything & I know I cannot let it.
You have to learn that the human feelings mean nothing. You choose to allow them to overcome you. The bottom line is, trust in the Lord with all your heart and soul and know no matter what happens in your life, Christ will carry you through it.
This is when your journey begins a new life, right now your journey is Christ molding you in His image.
"You have to learn that the human feelings mean nothing." I dont' want you to misunderstand what Sean is saying here. Your emotions are real. They are validated given the situation you are in. God has created us in His image and we see many times in His word that He is emotional. However, He never acted unjustly or irrationally due to His emotions. He used His emotions in a way that would best serve His purposes. So while I think Sean is trying to tell you to not let your emotions lead you, I do not want you to think that the emotions God created you with don't mean anything. If nothing else the emotions we feel should be listened to and processed through the filter of the Holy Spirit which will always lead us to bring our heart's deepest desires to the feet of Jesus and trust that He knows what is best. Remain faithful but don't become a robot who is detatched from your emotions. Use your emotions to be drawn closer to God.
Leslie, thank you for pointing that out. Sometimes we understand what we are typing, but when someone else reads it, can take an entirely different outlook.
Thank you so much.