Collaborate without boundaries

Re: Day 11

Day 11

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  • I made dinner for my dare. One of her complaints has been that she is stuck doing "everything". Because I had my therapy appointment, she was going to come home from work at about 5:30; then I'd leave for my appointment at 6. She asked what I'd be talking about at my therapy appointment and I said that I hope I can go there and say that things have been getting better. She said that they are not and that out problems are not reconcilable: I waited too long to change. I said that I regret having waited so long and that she has a right to her anger. While I was driving, she called me and told me I am only changing because I saw some of her notes; a 7 item punch list for her to consult an attorney on. I said that I saw the list, but I realized it was time to change before that; siting when she almost lost her job because her mind was on our problems. I said that I am sad that the things on the list are what she wants and her reply was that they are only what she was asking and she had to do it. I said that I don't like the person that I've been lately and that I don't want to go back to being that way. I wrapped up the conversation by saying that I will love her regardless of her decision and respect that decision. My therapist said that I am making a positive change since my MO to both finding the list and the discussion we had on my way to the appointment would have been an awful fight where I've lost all control of my emotions. Days 1-10 went argument free and I've learned a lot [about myself], but I was near tears by the time I got to the appointment (the first time I was ever handed a box of tissues). It took a lot to express such acceptance for the situation. My therapist said that there's a real possibility that it's too late to salvage the relationship (once the switch is turned off, it stays off), but sometimes it takes such extremes before someone will change. Even if things work out in the short term, problems resurface. These are hard realities to face. I am going to keep pressing forward with the challenge. I may not have much time left to change and try to turn things around, but I'm going to use it changing, and she won't be leaving the ugly vindictive, selfish and proud person that I've been. 

    Needless to say, my dare gesture went unnoticed. She neither ate my dinner, nor even said thank you. Writing this the next day, today has been hard. I'm feeling a real sense of loss. 

     

  • Don't think it went unnoticed. She is in a situation where she turns a blind eye and intentionally will not appreciate things. But trust me it is noticed.

    As for your counselor. Let me tell you this. God is never late, period. And the switch your counselor is talking about is a switch that only the world can live by. If anyone's marriage was switched off it was mine. But yet, for the last few years since my journey has started, God has blessed me with a happiness in my marriage and my life that has been better everyday than our wedding day.

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