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Day 51—Love still Cherishes
“What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Choose a gesture that says, ‘I cherish you’ and do it with a smile.”
I have been wrestling with a decision that was pressed upon me about a week ago with regards to continuing my Bible Study with the group I joined back in January. We just finished up the book—“The Good and Beautiful God—Falling in Love with the God Jesus Knows” and in a few weeks we would start the next one in this series—“The Good and Beautiful Life—Putting on the Character of Christ.” Now you are probably wondering why I would even be questioning continuing with this group. Well, I was invited to the group back in January when I was looking for one to join. I really wanted to start with one where I at least knew someone, so I was invited to come to this one by a friend of mine—I had asked her to come to a conference that my church was putting on and she said due to work she couldn’t but would love for me to come to her church’s Women’s Bible Study. This friend happens to be the older sister of the guy I had crossed boundaries with. At the time she had no idea what took place between her brother and I. As I progressed through the weeks I did open up to her about what happened. She was and still is VERY supportive of my marriage and this journey I have been on despite what took place with her brother. She does not know exactly what happened, but I did tell her right before I told my husband everything during the “take responsibility” dare that I could not protect her brother anymore and had to speak truth to my husband—that something did happen, but it is not my place to tell her what it was. Ironically the next day, her brother ended up telling her something did take place, but it was a complete lie to continue to protect himself. He has yet to tell anyone the truth including his wife (all blame has been placed on me). It is not my place though. I am focused on my husband and what mattered to me was him knowing the absolute truth.
Anyways, the group of women I have grown to know over the last few months through the Bible Study are phenomenal. They all have been very supportive of me as there have been some weeks where I have broken down due to everything that was taking place. The book we were reading paralleled A LOT of what I have learned through the Love Dare. It always amazed me when a certain week’s chapter lined up exactly with one or two dares for that week. I couldn’t be more thankful to have this as my first Bible Study/Small Group experience.
The struggle that I have been experiencing is leaving this group of women that I have really gotten to know personally or stay knowing that in my heart I truly need to cut all ties from my guy friend’s family.
After reading today’s chapter—Love Cherishes—and praying about how He wanted me to accomplish today’s dare, He took care of that struggle in an instant—I am to stop going to this particular group. He definitely hit me with it hard, so I could not question it. I have learned that you never negotiate with God’s will. He will provide the opportunity to go to another one where I can meet new people and grow with them just as I did with this one. Heck, maybe it might be a couple’s one in the near future (big grin across my face right now). LoL. Kidding aside, this is a sacrifice I will make in order to show my husband I do cherish him. He does not know about any of this right now, but in the future should he ask I can honestly say that all ties have been cut.
On a different note, I mentioned yesterday my husband had texted me after dropping off the video montage I made for him, but felt God telling me not to respond, so I didn’t. Well this morning I got another text from my husband—“You never answered my question.” I felt God telling me it was okay to respond this time, so I had played dumb and responded with, “Regarding?” His response of course was, “How you found out where I live.” I told him the truth about knowing since the day he moved and how. I told him it was the very first time I had seen where he actually moved to. His response, “Your video editing is getting better. Unfortunately nothing can change.” My response, “Thank you for the compliment, you were a good teacher. I cannot take all the credit. You had helped me learn the program awhile back when I had first started on my Grandma’s video and it just took off from there. You have always been my tech go to person.” … and no response from him since. It doesn’t even faze me that he has to reiterate every chance he can get that we are over and nothing can change. I know in my heart that isn’t true.
He has no other choice than to throw that out there that nothing can change. How else could he justify what he is doing now?
I am on day 11 and I have no idea how I can accomplish this dare or what I am going to do because my husband is not living with us. My husband has reminded me everytime I do something nice for him (complete a dare) that there is no cance of getting back together. I have not asked him to come home or demanded anything from him. Yesterday I made him his favorite cookies to complete day 10, he stuck them in our freezer ( I work late evenings so he comes to babysit our kids, but doesn't utter a word to me as we brush past eachother in the doorway, and when I need to tell him something-kid related he gets angry.) Anyway, today I am making his favorite meal, we always do something special with the kids as we teach them about the Last Supper and Easter and this lesson starts with a special passover-type meal. Tonight I am off work and he doesn't know this so he will come as usual. I will have dinner ready and will invite him to join the kids and I. this is all I can think of doing to show him I cherish him without pressuring him. I will offer a simple invite when he comes and he can choose to stay or leave. I just don't know which gift he will choose yet, freedom or family... I am starting to struggle with the dares as they become more intimate/involved ad not because I am lacking in ideas or willingness or faithfulness, but because I am seeing a side of him that scares me. The coldness and disconnect that must have been surrounding him for awhile is now very obvious to me and to our children. Our daughter was sick this morning (he comes at 6 am to pick up paper for his paper route) and instead of offering to help with her route he yelled at her for being sick and stormed out. She was sick with a fever and no voice but she had to do her route (I couldn't get my youngest out of bed so I could do it for her.) God is opening my eyes to see a side of him that I have been ignoring. He is acting like an imprisoned animal, desperate and selfish for self-survival. He is so unhappy and alone and is pushing us away with all of his might. I know this is my journey and I am growing so much with God, but watching someone I love be in such a terrible place is so very hard. I am working hard to let God work on my husband, but the woman in me wants to protect and nurture my family. Intellectually I know by praying for him and letting God take over, my husband will have what he needs is he chooses to accept what God offers, but my heart is crying for the hurt I see and angry at the actions I witness as he seperates himself more and mre from our family. So thanks, Sean for reminding me that my husband has no other choice than to remind me we are over. And thanks JenMarie for sharing a story I can relate to.
Lindsy, there is so much more that is going on right now. You need to recognize it. Remember in this journey... Being between you and Christ not you and your husband. Your husband is a tool. Christ will expose many things about you, and your relationship with Christ through all this. But you must seek that wisdom. You must DEPEND on Christ in everything during this journey.
That selfishness you are seeing in your husband. Your was bad as well. You are getting to the disgust stage. So now see how you are feeling? Change those things that you have had in the past with Christ.
And remember. As your testimony grows stronger. The more conviction your husband will have. And he will try to deal with it his way. And him reminding you everytime you do something. Again, he needs to deal with things as he is in control... Period.