It's been a while since I've posted. Today was an emotional day, so I felt the need to share. There probably won't be a point to this post, just some rambling.
My wife moved out about 3 weeks ago. Shortly after she moved out, I completed the Dare and started over. During the time she has been gone, I have been adjusting to living alone. Not going to lie I don't like it. It's hard. Some days I'm okay, other days the loneliness of a big house gets to me. I've been keeping up with my homework that my counselor assigned, reading the Bible, catching up on house projects and working out every day. I pray constantly throughout the day.
In the last week or so, my wife has started to become more distant. It upsets me a lot. She still respond to emails and text messages and we chat on IM a bit. We've spoken on the phone a few times. But when we do, she's very cold and stand-offish, like I'm bothering her by calling. It really hurts.
I'm remodeling our bathroom and I send her fixtures and stuff for her input. She offers it, but ultimately leaves the decision up to me, because "she doesn't really care." My intent for getting her input is so, in the event she ever moves home, it will be to her liking. The impression I get from her is that she doesn't care because she never plans to come home.
She sent me a text about a week ago asking how our dog was. We agreed that we would make time for me to bring her to her office. Since then I've tried to find a time that works for her, but she is either too busy, or her boss is there, or something else comes up. I feel as though I've been a little too pushy, maybe trying to manipulate the situation. Part of it is because I want to see my wife, but the other part of me is because I think it would do her some good to see our dog. She's basically our child and I know it hurts her to be away from her.
As part of today's dare I offered to bring her to see her anytime this week. I said pick a day and a time and I'll bring her to you. It wasn't much, but it's the best I could come up with given that we don't live together anymore. Long story short, we had finally settled on a date later this week. We agreed I'd drop her off at her office and pick her up the next day. But this afternoon she told me it wouldn't work. In a follow up text, she said that she didn't think it would be good for either her or the dog to see each other. She didn't think it would help.
I've been doing really well to give her space. I've been trusting in God more and accepting that this is out of my control. This is his plan. I don't like it, but who am I to question it? But the last couple days I've been a bit down and it got to me. In a moment of weakness I called her this afternoon. I asked, "Is it me you don't want to see? Or the dog?" She said, "I don't want to see either of you. I just want to be alone."
It really upset me. Since she's moved out she's visited with her parents multiple times, as well as my mother. I confessed that it hurt that she has seen everyone but us since she left. She said she had no other choice because they've all been so pushy. I told her it was because they're all worried about her, to which she replied that she is an adult, she can take care of herself. I also said they all just want what's best for us.
Part of me worries for her. I know she is depressed, and she admitted as much before she moved out. I've learned recently that her mother's side of the family, including her mother, has a history of depression. I'm just afraid that it's the depression, which I'm sure I've caused or amplified, that is causing her to be so distant and isolated, but I'm unsure how to deal with it or approach it.
Anyway... I apologized for losing my composure and told her that was not my intent when I originally called. I said I know she wants her space, and I know I've been pushy the last couple of days, but I've been a bit down so I'm sorry.
I know it's out of my control and I need to trust God, but my fear is that the longer we spend apart, the more she will isolate herself and then she'll just end things between us completely. It scares me. I know I just need to focus on my dares and my relationship with God and let him work in her. But, some days, like today, this situation just gets the best of me. These are the days I need to turn to the Lord in prayer, which I have...
I apologized again, I told her I missed her and that I loved her and we said good bye. I plan to have another counseling session next week hopefully. My counselor was out of town for the last couple weeks. I haven't given up and I still plan to work on myself and my relationship with God. It just seems like with each passing day, more and more, that my has given up.
Take time and read my journals. I believe you will find a lot in there... In fact if I was to write everything I want on this post it would be those.
Start from the bottom....
Thanks Sean. I read many of them this morning. What I take from them is that I'm still not focusing 100% on my relationship with Christ. I'm still dwelling on the "what if's" and worrying too much about the space that's growing between my wife and I.
The last few days I've been praying and asking for an opportunity to see my wife. The opportunity hasn't presented itself, which I think has what got me down. During my prayers I said "You haven't yet blessed me with the opportunity to see her and maybe it's because you don't think I'm ready." This was in line with a mention in your journal that all prayers are answered, it's just not always Yes. In my case it's a "Not yet."
On another note, as I mentioned yesterday I was a little down. I prayed for something... anything to show me that the work I was doing was pleasing God. Even if I'm not 100% there, I just wanted to know that I was on the right path and making him happy. It was selfish, but I just wanted/needed a little boost to keep me moving.
This morning I received a very nice email from my mother in law, stating that my wife and I are constantly in her prayers. In her words, "God glories in bringing restoration to broken vessels, and I KNOW that He'll do it for the two of you. At the end of this trying time, your marriage will be stronger than ever because of the lessons He is teaching you both... God is working on her, too, whether she knows it or not... Hang in there, one day at a time."
That, I believe, was my proverbial kick in the pants...
Remember Christ is molding you in this journey. He is preparing you to be the testimony that your wife needs. Be patient and depend on Him to fill the vids you have...