Collaborate without boundaries

Day 1

Day 1

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  • I'm 44 years old and have a very comfortable life. My husband and I make a lot of money, we are active in our church, are community leaders, and our children go to the parochial schools affiliated with our church. I post witty things about our life on social media to demonstrate that we are obviously flawed but we are having fun and love each other. On the outside we are a "good Christian family." But lately, thanks to my pastor's series on having a Christ Centered Home as opposed to a Christian home, it's made me question some of the things that constantly bubble on the surface.

    The big triggers are money and my husband's personality and health. I fell in love with him because he was a passionate person who cared deeply about things. We'd talk for hours, and despite the fact that both of us had relationships previously, we saved certain intimate parts of our relationship until we knew it was going to be a "forever thing." We got married, and I became pregnant on our honeymoon. It was an exciting time--we both had great jobs, he was working on a winning political campaign, and he had a beautiful wife and family coming.

    Then something happened that changed our lives forever--he got the flu when I was about 7 months pregnant, and never quite recovered. He lost 40 pounds in a month. He started drinking a ton of sugary drinks. He hid how sick he was feeling until one day someone from his office called me to tell me that they had staged an intervention with him at work to go to the doctor because something wasn't right. His blood sugar was 675. And his doctor sent him home with a blood sugar monitor and a sample of type 2 diabetes medication. It wasn't until a day later when I took him to the emergency room that we discovered that doctor was pretty much the worst and he had type 1 diabetes. He was hospitalized for a week, and we came home to a new life of finger pokes, insulin, and a complete 180 on our future.

    I took this in stride; after all "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health." Over the years, his diabetes has been at the forefront of our lives. He actually maintains very tight control over it, but this leads to low blood sugars that cause him to be snippy, mean, and verbally abusive at times. Lately, they have gotten worse, as he has quit smoking and focused on his health (good health choices lead to lower blood sugar, which is great but diabetes has a way of even robbing that joy from you). I bear the brunt of his abusive comments when his sugar is low, and am the one to call 911 when he's in a convulsion from sleeping through a hypoglycemic reaction. It's very much like living with a blackout alcoholic because he doesn't have any recollection of what he said or did during that time. He cries and is apologetic, but it's wearing me down.

    Then there's the money part. Like I said, we do well. I guess you can say we are in the 1%, but it doesn't feel that way. We both started businesses, with his being the "main" event in our lives--he is a very successful, well known person in his field, and often appears as a "pundit" on TV. And he is awesome at that. But when it comes to personal financial management, he dumps it all in my lap and expects me to handle it. This has led to a great amount of resentment on my part because I truly feel that he should be a partner in this. But he just doesn't have time or when I try to talk about it, he dismisses me quickly and tells me to just schedule something with our financial guy. Nothing is ever resolved between us.

    I have suspected in the past that he has been unfaithful--several years ago I found some suspect pictures on our home computer, and when I was going through some health issues myself, he was incredibly unkind to me and I found clues around the house that he was engaging in extracurricular online activities. When I confronted him about it he was remorseful and didn't admit any wrongdoing, but said I misunderstood what I saw (ummm, okay). Also, he had a serious injury last year, and said that this took him deeper into his faith, and that he "gave up a lot more than I'd ever know." But has never told me what "that" was other than "nothing I ever did was illegal, it's just that I gave up a lot of bad habits." I honestly don't want to know if it's going to hurt me, but if he gave it up because he saw it hurt me, his behavior seems to suggest that he's mad about giving it up. 

    Our intimate life is better than what I've heard from others, but the "intimate" part of our lives isn't. He isn't overly demonstrative or affectionate other than the odd peck on the cheek or kissing me goodnight. I don't want him to slobber all over me, but at the same time I wish he would turn the TV off for five minutes, put his phone down and just tell me he loves me.

    He lives in his head, and will spend hours working. When he isn't working he is on his phone playing Candy Crush. Going on family trips is our way to exhale, but he needs to be in constant motion during those, which leaves me exhausted and wishing that I could take a vacation separate from him. We recently got back from hawaii and my kids spent most of the time avoiding his neverending quests to be perpetually in motion. He's impatient and will get angry in lines, in traffic, when we have to wait any amount of time for anything, including waiting for the TV to turn on. He seems to be avoiding me and the kids, but will then be overly sweet to me at other times. I am constantly doubting myself because I then think I'm expecting too much out of a person who just will never be overly demonstrative. Which would be fine--if he'd meet me in the middle.

    I'm starting day 1 hoping to be patient. I am at my wit's end. I lashed out at him this morning because we got a call from our financial planner about an issue and once again it's my job to fix it. I just paid our quarterly taxes and we don't have a lot of extra money laying around to do what we need to do for our investments. I'm feeling pulled in a thousand directions and just want someone to tell me it's going to be okay. I cried out to God in a Kroger parking lot asking him to help me. And that's why I'm here. When he gets home tonight I'm going to just be patient. I might have to let tomorrow be day 1 because I don't even know what time he will be home. I'm clinging to a life raft right now.

  • Welcome.  Realize this will be a journey between you and Christ not you and your husband.  Do a dare a day no more no less.  Hence, do day two tomorrow.  Do not have any expectations of him when you do a dare.  In fact he will probably not mention the things you do.  But he will notice.  And things may even get worse, with him thinking, why hasn't she always been this way.  Not fair when he needs to change, but, that's not the point right now.  Do not read ahead in the book other than the appendix, especially about leading the heart.  

    Thank God he is alive with the health issues, he is on his phone playing a game vs what some of our spouses do, and that you are under the same roof.

    If you can, copy and paste this entry in the Love Dare Journal section, click on the Community tab to find it.  If you have any trouble journaling their, come back here and let me know.  That section is read more often and you probably will get other's help there.  Or just journal there about day two.  Or if you prefer, stay in this section.

    I know you are hoping for more than what i said, but try to engulf what I typed.  It is basically what was told to me when I got here.  It is what you need to realize right now.  

    Do the dares as they are intended to be done, without changing them to make them easier, and you will find Christ's peace no matter what he does.  

    Aslo, the other section can time you out fairly quickly, so some people type the entry in a word document and then paste it into this site.

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