Collaborate without boundaries

Day 1

Day 1

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  • A little background:

    I am 35 and my spouse is 38. This is my second marriage and his third. I have three children (16,15 and 12) and he has one child (12) that we have primary custody of and her mother lives 2000 miles away. We have been married 4.5 years, together 5.5 and my stepdaughter calls me Mom. 

    We went to high school together and connected 15+ years later as we were both going through divorces. Through becoming best friends and having along-distance relationship we identified with one another as soul mates. He and I, two guarded individuals, found love and acceptance with one another. God put on my heart that this was the man I would be married to even though I was not looking for a relationship.

    He came to visit me for the first time in April 2011. By July we were engaged and he had uprooted his life and moved to the state he grew up in to be with me. He left his daughter with her mother and a year later she sent her here to be with us. 

    We have always had a great relationship, with lots of openness and romance. When we got married I was in great physical shape and he thought I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever been with. Two years after our marriage I had a car accident that injured my back and I stopped lifting weights (I was a powerlifter). Since that time i have gained nearly 75 pounds and have stopped exercising. 

    About a year ago he brought up that I needed to begin exercising again because I was a "trophy wife" when he married me, and now I had let myself go. He is naturally thin and muscular, plus he has an active job whereas I have a white collar one. As a result he has maintained his body even though he doesn't work out anymore either.  At the time he brought it up I was so hurt. I actually told him if he couldn't accept me then he could get out. We finally moved past it but I resented it and never began to focus on it. He maintained that he wished I'd work out but that he still found me to be beautiful.

    Fast forward to this year. The beginning of 2016 my 15-year old daughter was hospitalized with a suicide attempt. She and he were never close and she began to really push him away. So much so that he could't even talk with her bc she wouldn't connect. She has been hospitalized 2 more times since, the final one ending a week and a half ago. 

    WHen coming home from a visitation with my daughter he told me he really wanted me to start focusing on my health and exercising. Again, I got so angry. As I'm dealing with my child he is worried about my looks! I told him to get out and leave! Go! Get another trophy wife! The following day he apologized and we made up. 

    This past Friday I realized we hadn't had sex in a week. So I asked him why. He said he has just not had a sex drive bc he has been so unhappy with himself, his life, his job.  I said, I am a young woman and need sex. What kind of 38 year old man doesn't have a sex drive!! There has to be another woman! Who is it! He of course said I didn't trust him. I told him I almost packed my bags the following week and took my kids and left him. And that if it doesn't change he will need to leave. He said a few more hurtful things which led to me telling him I am done with him.

    We didn't speak the rest of the night. The next morning I thought everything would blow over. He left to do a job, I took the kids to a festival. I wrote him a letter when leaving telling him that if he would not give on things all I would like is a smooth transition for the kids. And that I loved him and he would always be the love of my life. I thought this would get the idea that I wanted him but I was willing to walk away. When I came home he had read the letter and wanted to discuss. He then called my bluff. He said he would be there through the transition and would start looking for a place. I said, can't we do counseling? He said, it's not going to get better. We butt heads so much and you are not going to work on your health. And I am unhappy with myself. I feel insecure, and that my job was more fulfilling than his so he knew I would be okay. And that his priority is his daughter. I cried. I begged. Please just see a counselor with me! He said he didn't think it would do anything.

    I made him sit down and tell the kids. He didn't want to. After that, the next day, he was angry at me. He said that he uprooted his entire life for me and now he had nothing to show for it. I said, can't we just try? He said no. 

    So that leads us here. We have two bedrooms that are adjoined that we use as a master suite. One room is the bedroom, one is the closet. I told him that he could move into the closet area (the same size as the bedroom) until they could find a place, bc he was adamant. So I moved my things and he moved his. After I came home from trick or treating with the kids he had put a spare bed in his room and had set me up in mine. 

    Through the day yesterday I kept asking God to tell me what to do. To get me through. He told me I needed to look at myself. I heard it so clearly...he then led me here. I interpreted day 1 as me needing to apologize. For the things God revealed to me about myself. That I lack patience. I'm never satisfied. I want everything on MY timeline. I dictate to my spouse about his goals instead of standing quietly by and supporting. And this was the part that stung. It felt like a punch in the gut. He told me that I have let my health go and that my husband agonized over telling me. 

    So I sat in there and reflected. I write- 4 pages total. And I left it for him. I asked him not to "answer" me. That this is about ME working on ME. I wondered if any other people out there acted rotten to their spouse and were able to reconcile? That is not my priority now. But I do not want to lose my husband. He is a good man and I am embarrassed that I have lost so much focus for him. He swears there is not another woman, just that he wants to be happy with himself. He even said I am a wonderful wife but that he doesn't think any thing will ever make him happy. 

     

     

  • Welcome.  Do a dare a day no more no less.  This will be a journey between you and Christ.  Not you and him.  He will be used as a tool to mold you.  Have no expectations of him CV reacting to the dares.  Read the appendix especially the part of leading the heart.  But don't read ahead in the dares.  Try posting next time in the love dare journal section under the community tab.  This section gets overlooked.  

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