Today was day 17 for me. I was really convicted with this lesson. I know I dont know or did not know what true intimacy is. Intimacy to me always equated to sex. So, I know this is am area that i failed in. some of the things in my past I was to shame to share with anyone. I have confided ina few friends but never a mate, or a person who i was involved in a relationship with . I had been dating him for 2 1/2 years and i had never really shared some of my emotional bagage from my past. There was a time when it was in my spirit to share but shame, guilt, pride and fear took hold of me. It wasn't until i was faced with a break up that it begin to suffocate me that i needed to share this information so that he would understand me. However, i bore my soul and put it out n the line. While I was reading this section I often wondered if he had things that he wanted to share with me but was a fraid to share it. I wonder if it would make me react to him diffrently. I know that based on his upbringing it was considered a sign of weakness to share your fears and open yourself up to vulnerability. He and I had a conversation where he labels himself emotionless. Growing up his family didnt show affection they didnt tell each other that they love each other. It wasn't until I had children that i vowed that I would show them love and affection, and make sure that i told them I loved them. I know I am off the subject a little but this is on my heart. I am understanding now after reading this lesson that to truly become one flesh there has to be a merging of persons that is laying all issues, faults, accomplishments, and bearings on the table.
I am beginning to look at this relationship diffrently. Though I love this man . I don't know about us. I can even tell by the way when I receive a text from him that i am questioning this I can say that this journey is teaching me alot. I have known that had he asked me to marry him I couldnt say yes, not because I didnt want to but because I didnt feel I was ready to be a wife. All I knew is that I wanted to be a bible wife. I want a marriage built on the rock. Now I see that I have some growing to do, and the only way to get that type of marriage was to grow in Christ., THis journey is really stretching me and I am having to reflect on my actions and behaviors.
I am all over the place, because my heart is do full right now., I have had numerous conversations in my mind about myself and him and my feelings.
Tonight he and I were talking and he was going to go pick up somethings. Well I kinda put myself in the mix and we ended up speaking for an hour about if he was going and if i was going to get something. Well log story short he decided against going and i kinda felt like it was because I put myself in the mix. Though he told me I had nothing to do with his decision he decided to lay down and go to sleep, I Still cant help but to think it was my fault. I am kinda sad and upset. I feel like I was being pushy because he didnt ask me to go I invited myself. I don't know maybe I overreacted. I told him what i was thinking, but i still feel like I overreacted,
Day 18 Love seeks to Understand
He and I texted each other all day Saturday. We met for dinner . It was very awkward for me we spit the bill, which is not something we ueaully do. I normally have to fight him to pay for his food. That is a perk which i guess falls under girlfriend status. During dinner I was a bit stanoffis. I don't kow how to be just his friend. Things are so up inthe air I just roll with the punches.
I often find myself wondering if i even want to fix the relationship. The more I look at him when we spend time together I find myself wondering if this is the guy I am to sped the rest of my life with. I see him so differently. I do love him. I am just thinking that I am learning a different type of love and often get scared. I also have began watching his actions and listening more to him when he speaks. Our conversation tends to be a little more open. .
In this journey you will notice as Christ molds you, that many things will be different. Love God First and you will love others better.
Day 19 Love Impossible
Today's dare was to look over other dares and reflect on those things that you struggled to complete or were difficult and answer the question. What does this say about you? What do you believe God is saying to you? What is stirring in my heart and what is my response to this? As I reflected I thought back over the last 19 days I found most of the dare were fairly easy. I struggled with day one which was love is patient. The dare was not to speak evil of your mate. When your heart is full of pain, heartache and unforgiveness it his a bit hard not to speak evil or to say negative things regarding your mate. It makes you realize that you trust and believe or you don't trust and believe in God.
I found this day, day 19 to be particularly hard for me to complete. I was able to read the message and grasp the concepts, but the actual dare was hard. I could easily say it was because I was so busy, or had something to do, but the reality is i was avoiding it. I know that in my hear my faith in Jesus is smaller than a mustard seed. I didst want to have to fess up to the fact that I want to do things my way and submission is hard. It is amazing how deceptive the heart is and how we try to hide its deceit only to deceive ourselves. This deception is hindering my relationship with God and my ability to be free and delivered.
That is a big step... To truly understand that. Know do you have an idea of how much in your life you have tried to play God based on your own selfishness?
You cannot change others. But loving Christ first, will teach you to love others better. And with that, you trust in Christ and live for the will of God instead of your own.
I am stuck on Day 20. I don't know if I want to continue with him. We have been together for almost 3 years. Since our split or brake up I have been looking at him different. Wondering if I even want to be with him or better yet marry him. I feel so stuck right now. I love him, but don't know if he is what or this is what I need.
Dont look at it as continuing with him. Look at it as continuing with Christ.
Christ is preparing you for testimony, and teaching you the true meanings of unconditional love, kindness etc... and exposing your selfishness etc.. This way when you find the one Christ blesses you with you will be able to experience that oneness that God intended.
Just curious though. What does day 20 have to do with him? This is a step with Jesus Christ.
Continuing really has nothing to do with the dare. This is a journey with me and Christ. I guess I am afraid. Since begining this dare I have experiencedone hardship after the next. I guess it is fear because my life has taken a turn for bad. I am weighted right now. And it is shear fear that is keeping me bound.
We fear change... So much so, we will go back to the bad past to just be in a position of familiarity.
But Christ has better plans for you. And these hardships you experience are only that because you see them that way. In reality they are blessings. You will see that soon enough. Christ is molding you. And because of our selfishness there is no other way.
How many times have you said to yourself, I wish we could just go back to the way it was?
Wait you will see. The best it has ever been is not compared to what it will be when Christ is with you. I am there and to be honest, if my marriage ever gets to the best it used to be, I will know there is a problem. Because now, everyday is better than the day we got married.
God is so faithful, so fulfilling on His promises. But we must be molded to accept it and follow it properly.
And you can NEVER have the oneness God intended without Christ. You can never have love as it is intended, because Christ is love.
YOu are right. There are plenty times that I look at this relationship and yearn for it to be more like the latter days. Things seem so weird.
Today I read Day 21, with everthing that is going on I have resolved to just give up and give it to Jesus. It seems to just be derailing that is my life is, so much that I don't know which way to go. I decided today to keep a positive outlook and to work on getting closer to GOD, because I can't do it myself. I have created a sheet of dailt scriptures to read and placed them on my bathroom mirror to begin each day focused on GOD. Sean I want so bad to be able to just rely on GOD and to walk faithfully in his word,, and to trust and believe that all things work together for the good for those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose. I really do.
You can... But remember, Christ needs to mold you and that is what this journey is. He is molding you more in His image each day.
And you will see, those burdens you have, when you just lay them at His feet, you are comforted.
And remember, love Christ first to love others better.
Love is faithful.....Despite all that's going on I will keep my mind stayed on him.
Uggggghhhhhh, why does it seemn like when you begin living for God everything begins to fall apart. I need some instruction. I wanna walk in faith but I am so confused I guess that's the best word to use. I wanna live right. I wanna know God, I wanna believe but it is hard. I go to church but everyone has their own doctrine. They say ohhh if you want X then you gotta do . I don't want to use God as a bargaining tool. Help me.
It is because God is now beginning to place His perfect will in your life and He has to remove all of the imperfections that will later on hinder you in your walk! It is better to remove all now so that He can rebuild your foundations completely on His solid rock of truths! Removing the impurities so that He may begin to breathe life into you!
You see humans in general tend to pour themselves into earthly things when God isn’t a part of our life. Things like relationships, careers, families, money, and goals of any kind. But what we don’t understand is that those things are of the world. When God isn’t a part of those plans in our life, they are ever changing along with our feelings and our heart. But God never changes and He never grows weary. When we invest who we are in God, it is then that we begin to find our center and His will starts taking place. Then we find our true purpose. He wants to completely remodel you so that you won’t have to endure that pain of things that don’t last. He cares about you, He doesn’t intend for it to hurt you. “For I see the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and to help you. To give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
Secondly you must learn to always praise God no matter what the circumstances are. Unconditional love, remember? Trust that whatever He is doing is for the best, even though you can’t see it. It’s so easy to get caught up in our own worldly woes, but God sees it from a whole other perspective that we can’t even comprehend! We get angry when we don’t understand. When it seems like everything we invest in is gone. But you know what? They don’t even matter. Even if you don’t feel like it, when you make that choice to commit to Him no matter what He throws your way, He is ecstatic to honor the faith that you are showing to Him. And He loves and understands our ways so much that He is willing to prove His love over and over to us until we can fully comprehend just how awesome His grace is! Isn’t that amazing! ”Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4
I would just like to suggest that you find some people who are strong examples of Christ and surround yourself with them. And maybe a new church? Pray about it. Whatever is in your heart, God will lead you. Because when you try to manipulate God, you just end up on your face. But God honors a pure heart, and pure motives. Equip yourself with Biblical knowledge. It holds beauty and truth and it will help you face any battle with encouragement and courage. His truths will never compromise His word. “Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.” James 1:16-18
One more suggestion, and I’m sure you are doing it, but PRAYER! Prayer is so huge. Take everything to the Lord in prayer and be diligent. The Bible even says to Labor over prayer. Pray about everything but unselfishly. Learn how to pray. Ask God to open your eyes to the areas in your life that you need to let go of. Perhaps they hurt because you are afraid of giving them up. Just pray for the wisdom to understand and the courage to let go. I promise whatever He is doing is not intended for pain. He wants to help you and He understands you on such a huge level! Did you know that God’s heart breaks when ours breaks? ISN”T THAT INCREDIBLE! That a God who is all seeing and all knowing still aches when we are in agony, even though He knows the outcome? How comforting is that? He leads us through the fire, but He never sends us through alone. The only true changes that come to your life start with your heart. And that begins when you let everything go and allow God to make those changes. He will restore anything that is in His will, but you have to allow him. Trust Him, because He is so Kind. “We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship (to become children of God), the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:26-28